Chapter 42: Fragile Under the Ice (Part 2) (First Update)

  In the dimly lit room, the girl jumped up and down alone, the loudspeaker of the tape recorder in the corner of the wall playing a piercing music wildly. The wild sound made her forget everything around her, only doing one movement after another tirelessly, jumping, jumping, jumping, without feeling the soreness of her muscles or the creaking of her bones. It was as if she couldn't even see the mirror wall in front of her. What flowed through her field of vision was an open book, under the desk lamp, her thin figure bent over it, leaving line after line of handwriting.

  That was an English diary entry:

  August 22, 2004, sunny

  Always thinking back to childhood, remembering California's sunshine, remembering the sea and beach of San Francisco, remembering the abandoned drain in the backyard and the old paulownia with a swing tied to it at the front door.

  My mother said that in October of the year I was born, there was a strong earthquake in San Francisco. It rushed into the city like a wild horse rushing into a reed forest, causing the entire city to shake and collapse. At that time, I was still young and didn't know about this event. Occasionally, I would hear adults joking: "Born in that year, this child may also have a fierce temper in the future."

  Later in retrospect, their prophecies were not fulfilled, or rather, they were not all fulfilled.

  When I was a kid, I was a bit wild and loved to play. I enjoyed running between the seawater and the beach, getting splashed by waves and soaking my clothes. When I got home, my mom would spank me. Sometimes I'd also explore the sewers, even though I'd often get scared by rats and scream loudly. But that damp, dark space allowed my imagination to run wild, guessing what might be hidden behind the shadows - maybe treasure buried by cowboys years ago, or guns stashed away by gangsters in the 60s, or perhaps a murder scene?

  A person was so excited, yet afraid, but until later in life, never ventured into the darkness to explore. Now thinking back, perhaps from childhood I was destined to be a timid person, appearing fierce on the surface, but actually hiding beneath, just a cautious heart, yearning for many things, yet fearing many things.

  Just like when I first entered the company, I was afraid of the camera and afraid of strangers around me. Now, I'm afraid of rejection!

  He's been gone for many days, and after the barbecue shop celebration that night, he hasn't been seen again, as if they've parted ways forever. In fact, his phone number is still in my phone, and there have been a few times when I've mustered up the courage to call him, but my hand hesitates on the keypad, unable to dial those few short numbers. Occasionally, I've also thought about going to where his film crew is located, wandering around nearby, maybe getting lucky and running into him, then pretending it's a coincidence and greeting him with a "Hi, what are you doing here?"

  But all of this is just thinking, like the boundary between light and darkness in that sewer when I was a kid. Many times I wanted to step over it, but in the end, I hesitated and pulled my foot back, turned around and left...

  I really hate myself for being so afraid all the time, I hate being weak when faced with choices, I hate why can't I be braver.

  I wanted to make a change, so I made an attempt yesterday, but reality ruthlessly rejected my efforts.

  Missing him so much!

  Miss you so much!

  Especially when they despise and humiliate me like this now.

  I think he won't, just like I've always kept, that birthday wish...

  ……

  An Junhe stood at the door, watching the girl sweating profusely, somewhat puzzled, not knowing why she had to train so hard, until two female trainees passed by the dance studio door, saw Zheng Xiuyan inside, and whispered gossip, only then did his doubts clear up.

  "Did you hear? The new girl group our company is preparing seems to have eliminated her."

  "It's already been spread around, and it's said that she even took the initiative to ask the department head to join, humph, relying on her seniority, is this not shameful?"

  "It's been 4 years as a trainee and still stuck in this place, if you don't have the ability then don't force it!"

  "Yeah, yeah! If I were in her shoes and got dumped like that, I'd have the decency to pack up and go home already." The girl's voice rose a notch.

  "Shh, quietly, that boy heard it..." another girl said.

  "What's there to be afraid of? I don't even know him."

  "I want to get to know you, you're really handsome!"

  "The boy is too handsome to be safe..."

  Behind that was some uninteresting nonsense, An Junhe didn't listen anymore and refocused his attention on the dancing figure inside.

  After searching through my memories, I didn't have much contact with Zheng Xiuyan, and naturally, we didn't talk much. In my impression, there are only two scenes of her that left a deep impression on me. The first time was when I first met her, she had her hands in her pockets and was walking in an eight-character step, every time I think about it, I find it funny, before that, it was hard to imagine a girl walking like this.

  The second time was on that rainy day, she trembled with fear in the thunder, with a nasal tone of faint coquetry, and that last sentence with an inexplicable meaning.

  He said that he was a wooden stick who didn't understand the fun of life, and it wasn't wrong. In the past decade or so, he hadn't been in love, studying and family took up most of his time. And in his dreams, there weren't many rich experiences either, he had to work hard for his career, take care of his sister, no spare time to think about those things. Later when he became successful and had free time, but his character had already become cold and unfeeling, it was impossible to let strangers into his heart. Of course, there were also business social events, many, but that was just a transaction of money and flesh.

  So, he didn't quite understand the meaning of Zheng Xiuyan's slightly ambiguous words, and he didn't know what her courageous actions represented. He thought about finding her to talk it over, but she was avoiding him, and after a long time, he forgot about it.

  Generally speaking, his understanding of her was very poor. In his memory, she always had a cold face and looked very strong, but that rainy day told him that it might just be her disguise.

  A somewhat contradictory person - that's the impression in a nutshell.

  But this simple impression, after hearing the conversation of just two girls and seeing her lonely figure in the dance studio, suddenly had a tendency to collapse.

  Gazing silently at the interior, An Junhe outside the door didn't move, while inside, the girl was also in a daze, continuing to repeat mechanical movements.

  In her mind, the scene of writing in her diary was gradually fading away, just like she quietly wrote it down yesterday and silently burned it. When the full text finally turned into a slowly dissipating illusion, her line of sight was blurred by something, and she slowly stopped moving, standing there dazedly.

  In front of the mirror wall, a girl who looked exactly like her was reflected back. Two rows of tears had somehow filled up the girl's eyes and spilled out, sliding down her cheeks and gathering at the bottom of her chin into glittering droplets that reflected the light, trembling with each rapid breath.

  She rubbed her eyes hard, but this action was like opening a floodgate, the more she rubbed, the more it flowed, until even her breathing sounded like low sobbing.

  "Don't cry! Jesscia, don't cry..."

  She was so stubborn, telling herself over and over again that she hated being weak, hated showing weakness. What's the point of paying attention to those people's gossip? They're just jealous, crying because they're envious of others - how stupid is that?

  But I really can't bear it anymore... Every moment, it seems like I hear whispers criticizing me, they hide in the angles she can't see and shoot sarcastic glances at her, like sharp swords, piercing her heart and making her feel deeply hurt.

  Really, can't help it...

  "Uggghhh..."

  The tears that had been suppressed for a long time finally flowed out from the edge of her lips, and the girl in the mirror slowly squatted down. The shadow covered her, and at this moment, the world around her was boundless and cold...

  ;