Homeless Bunny 29

  Tianyu Yue

  I’d just gotten done making a strawberry cream danish for dessert tonight when Ozpin called, asking me to grab Weiss and meet him in his office. Apparently, Jacques had made good on that threat and sent his wyer.

  So, for the first time since the beginning of the year, I strolled into combat css. My little sister was on stage with Cardin, my “bully.” Their bout fully occupied the students’ attention and facing away from the door as they were, no one saw me come in.

  No one, that is, save Glynda. The way her eyes widened in panic at my arrival made me feel a little bad. It wasn’t as though I derived pleasure in making her suffer… mostly.

  I couldn’t help it. Campione were harbingers of chaos, fate-mandated to be trouble magnets. It wasn’t my fault that things tended to go catastrophically right whenever I was around!

  I leaned back into the wall and watched as Weiss desperately dodged Cardin’s mace. She was better than him, no question. She had better form, greater versatility in her weapon, a far stronger Sembnce, and now, the kind of combat experience that made veteran soldiers curl up in terror, courtesy of yours truly. The only advantages Cardin had over Weiss were weight and brute strength, two things any huntress could work around with ease.

  But she was being pushed back anyway. She was so dead-tired from my training that she couldn’t possibly hope to fight at her best here. In hindsight, with VALN, RWBY, and TAMM so regurly exhausted, I may have infted Cardin’s rank in combat css unintentionally. Last I heard, he was the strongest male student in our year and trailing behind only Amber and Pyrrha in the overall rankings.

  The thought made me giggle like a schoolgirl.

  Then, as Cardin held his mace aloft to end the fight, I saw my chance to intervene. Glynda, who’d been keeping a wary eye on me, looked panicked. She spoke a thousand words with but one gnce.

  “Please no,” she begged.

  “Yes.”

  “Tianyu, no.”

  “Tianyu, yes.”

  “Why are you like this?”

  “I am perfection manifest.”

  “If you mean perfect chaos, then sure. Go away!”

  “Come on, Glyn-Glyn~ Don’t you trust me?”

  “You’re a disaster! A fluffy, bunny-shaped camity! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I’ve had to do because of you?” she raged. She had very expressive eyes. Or I had incredible hearing and heard her raging in the privacy of her suite before. One of the two.

  As, she’d once again be disappointed.

  I saw the moment she gave up. The light of indignant rage in her eyes dimmed, smothered by resigned acceptance. She stepped back as I unched myself forward, fast, but not so fast that I vanished from sight.

  Cardin brought his mace down, but I was there.

  “NOOO!!! Don’t bully my baby sister!” I shouted. My battle cry caught Cardin off guard, making him hesitate for a fraction of a second.

  That was enough time for me to sail in from the doorway, swooping down into the sunken arena like the world’s cutest cruise missile. Arms outstretched, I clotheslined him with all the fir of a pro luchador, dragging him to the ground with the momentum of my flight.

  “What the fuc–Ack!”

  We rolled until I nded on top of him, subtly trapping his arms with my knees. I then sat up, looked out at the students, and spread my arms out wide, like Maximus posing before Macus Aurelius. “Well? Are you not entertained?”

  “Tianyu?” Weiss yelled.

  “Hi, little sister,” I chirped, giving her a sunny smile.

  “Why are you here? This is a spar!”

  “Oh, Ozpin wants us in his office. I came to get you.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Why else? Your cuck-daddy sent his wyer to shut me up.”

  “He did what?”

  The css was silent. Students leaned back from the explosive heiress as we put on a show worthy of prime time TV. If I heard a few lien changing hands, I chose not to comment.

  “I’m going to kill you,” Cardin growled.

  “Aahhh!” I yelped, seemingly just realizing that I was still seated on him.

  I brought my hands together, entwining my fingers in some pseudo-mystical pose. “Hand seals,” the young’uns called it.

  My mana fred. The wu xing seal I used as my “Sembnce” spun into life behind me. Glynda’s eyes widened in panic.

  “Tian–” she tried to say something, but her voice was lost in the gravity of the moment.

  “Moon Bunny Combat Arts–” I intoned solemnly. Then, I was up by the doors again, Weiss carried in my arms like a princess. “Just kidding~ We need to go see Oz now. Later, Glyn-Glyn!”

  I hurried out the door, chuckling like a loon.

  “Wha-How? No, let me go, Tianyu,” Weiss whined.

  “Hmm… Nah.”

  “This is humiliating.”

  “It might give your dad’s wyer an aneurysm if we walk in like this.”

  “That’s another thing! What are we going to do?”

  “Hmm, that depends.”

  “On what?”

  “Do you like being my little sister?”

  “Well…”

  “It’s a yes or no question, Weiss.”

  “Yes…” she muttered, face flushed red. Too cute. My little sister was too cute.

  “And you agree that your father is a horrible influence, both on your family and society at rge?”

  “Yes? You’re starting to sound like Bke. Or Ilia.”

  “Good. Now, everyone knows Jacques is a shit person. It just so happens that most people turn a blind eye because he has a monopoly on dust sales.”

  “What of it? Tianyu, are you pnning on starting your own corporation?” she asked, the discussion having made her forget about the way she was being cradled in my arms.

  “Pft, me? Can you imagine me running anything?” I asked seriously.

  “Hehe, I guess not.”

  “I mean, even back in the Lunar Pace, I left the day-to-day admin stuff to Chang’e. In an ideal world, the only executive decision I’d want to make is what’s on the menu for any given meal.”

  “You really have a one-track mind, Tianyu.”

  “I’m an idiot,” I agreed easily. “You don’t get to become a Campione by being a reasonable person.”

  “I still don’t know what that means.”

  “Anyway, my point being, Jacques has a lot of influence because he has a lot of money. Sure, it’s more nuanced than that, but that’s the gist of it, yeah? So, I’ve decided to take him down a few pegs by attacking his monopoly on dust. That’s the source of his power and without it, people won’t feel the need to put up with his asinine behavior.”

  “And when did you decide that?”

  “When he tried to make demands of a Campione. Sure, I consider myself the most reasonable of my siblings, but even bunnies have our pride,” I said seriously. “And since you, his daughter, agreed that he’s a shit person, I can carry on with my pn guilt-free.”

  “Dare I ask?”

  “Nah, it’ll be funnier if you don’t.”

  “I’m gd our family drama amuses you, brother-dearest,” Weiss deadpanned as we crossed the courtyard towards the the central tower.

  We’d nearly arrived. Of course, I saw zero need to take the elevator. What was I? Normal?

  As my gender-fluid older sister-and-sometimes-brother taught me, a grand entrance was vital. She didn’t make her superhero alter ego a man just to preserve her secret identity; she decided on “John Pluto Smith” because JPS was her ideal image of a superhero. He was tall, bombastic, and inspired hope wherever he went. People looked at his broad back and billowing cape and felt that he could shoulder the weight of the world.

  She was so dedicated to her bit that she used a divine Authority to transfigure herself into a man during her “hero hours.” And, when we stepped into the Netherworld, the mask of JPS materialized on her person, through which her alter ego could speak to her. She quite literally had a second personality because she so dearly loved being a hero.

  I wasn’t crazy enough to have a voice in my head, but I did get where she was coming from. Out of respect for my beloved sister and fellow American Campione, and totally not because I enjoyed fucking with Weiss, I stood outside the tower, staring up at Ozpin’s office.

  “Tianyu? What’re you waiting for? Please don’t tell me you’re going to jump to Professor Ozpin’s office,” Weiss said.

  “No, of course not,” I cried in mock offense. “That wouldn’t send the right message.”

  “Oh, good, you’ve said something reasonable.”

  “Listen well, Weiss. If you go to meet your enemy, you must present yourself in a way that leaves no doubt as to your ability. A great many battles are won or lost within the first few moments.”

  “Yes, first impressions are important, which is why you should let me go so we can walk up there with dignity,” she stressed. She stared at me with the cutest pout.

  “I have a better idea.”

  “Tianyu, no.”

  “You haven’t even heard my idea yet.”

  “Fine, what?”

  “We ride up there.”

  “In an elevator?” she asked tentatively, afraid of the punchline.

  “In a fuck-massive sky-snake!” I replied exuberantly. How could I disappoint my dear sister? I reached out with the arm that cradled her neck and conjured a conch in my hand.

  Though it looked utterly mundane, no mage would mistake it for anything less than the divine artifact it was. It was the mark of priesthood, an object of both ceremonial and cultural significance.

  Specifically, it belonged to the only serpent deity I (sorta) got along with. I killed him when he descended of course, but he reformed in the Netherworld several decades ter and we managed to patch things up for the most part.

  I pressed it to my lips and blew. A shrill, pure note rang through the school. It was at once ear-rending yet pure, bringing with it a sense of quiet reverence. Even the birds stopped singing, as if to hear the anthem of their lord and master.

  My fingers danced deftly along the conch. The shrill, harsh note transitioned into something more soothing. It was the sound of a grand festival, the coming of divine providence and rain, which in many ancient civilizations, was the greatest divine providence of all.

  When the st note echoed, I spoke. “Heed my call, ye feathered serpent. Watcher of mankind, guardian of the priesthood, hear the song of the temple and come, Sovereign of the West Wind!”

  “Tianyu? What the hell did you do?”

  “Just wait, I just called a friend… No, that’s not right. Servant? My bitch? Yes, I called my bitch.”

  “One of these days, you’ll start talking sens–”

  Then came the west wind.

  It was not the roar of a hurricane or the sonic boom of fighter jets. Nor was there the pressure of divine presence that brought mortals to their knees. Queso always did prefer being a free spirit in a pantheon of homicidal psychopaths. It was probably why we got along; we both had to put up with unreasonable siblings.

  His presence came with the soothing wind, a breeze that calmed restless hearts and reminded all of better days. It had a way of silencing my sister’s protests.

  A deep shadow covered us as he nded. He was a humongous, winged serpent, at least thrice as long as Beacon’s central tower. His scales shone with the colors of the rainbow, though with a prominent lean towards the verdant shades. A crest of feathers ran down his spine in every color and shade, some that likely didn’t exist elsewhere in the mortal pne.

  Then there were his eyes. They shone like rainbow opals, gorgeous beyond compare. Beyond a merely beautiful beast, his intelligence could not be denied, nor could his divinity. It settled around us like a shroud, the whispers of the wind singing his hymns.

  “Queso, it’s good to see you again, old friend,” I said. “Weiss, meet Quetzalcoatl, the god of the west wind, the sun, and a bunch of other things. He’s my subordinate god. He also goes by Queso. Queso, meet Weiss, my adopted little sister.”

  “You started calling me that because you couldn’t pronounce my name for the longest time,” he hummed. It was a sibint hiss, at once bestial and melodic. He leaned forward, almost touching Weiss’ forehead with his snout. His forked tongue flickered out and gently caressed her face, faster than she could react. “Well met, little one. And might I say, you smell delicious.”

  “Ah… Umm… Thank you…” Weiss stammered. She leaned into my shoulder and whispered, “Tianyu, what do I do? That doesn’t sound like a good thing here!”

  “She does smell nice,” I replied happily. “It’s her perfume. I think it’d go better with a little saffron, sage, and rosemary. You know, really complement her natural scent.”

  “Yes, I can see it. She is already such a scrumptious thing. But as always, you are the master in such matters.”

  “Tianyu! Why are you giving the giant snake advice on making me taste better?” Weiss cried.

  “Hmm? I thought we were talking about perfumes, dearest sister.”

  “They’re all herbs!”

  “And also perfumes. Mixed with a bit of sandalwood, you can get a really deep, sophisticated scent from sage and rosemary oils,” I expined patiently.

  “Hahaha, perhaps we should stop teasing the little one? She looks rather uncomfortable.”

  “You started it.”

  “So I did,” he hissed, a distinctly amused lilt to his voice. “Fear not, little one. I prefer my meals to be more… filling.”

  “Joy,” Weiss muttered, sarcasm rearing its head now that she knew I wasn’t about to feed her to my pet nope-rope.

  I held her up with an eager smile. “She’s cute though, right? My little sister is adorable.”

  “So she is. Did you call me just to brag about her?”

  “Well, kinda? Her dad is a huge asshole. You know, the kind of mortal that thinks just because he made lots of money from his company, he can do whatever he wants.”

  “I know the type,” Queso hissed. In Aztec society, there was the king and nobles, followed by the priesthood. Then came the warriors, merchants, and peasants. The idea that an upjumped merchant would order around a Campione, a god-king in my own right, was baffling to him. “In Tenochtitn, we used to fy them alive and take out their still-beating hearts.”

  “Yeah, well, I can’t do that. I mean, I could, but that’s not how I roll; you know that.”

  “So I do.”

  “Anyway, he sent one of his cronies here to try to browbeat me into abandoning my little sister.”

  “Oh? Didn’t you butcher that mortal organization that wanted to kidnap your apprentice chef once?”

  “Yup, Laura. The Facility wanted to kidnap my chef to turn her into a weapon again so I need to send a message. And as Annie says, sometimes presentation is the name of the game.”

  “I do make for an impressive sight, don’t I?” he preened. “As you wish. I am your subordinate god after all. Hop on.”

  “Thanks, Queso. I have some snacks for you ter.”

  “Done. One pants-shitting terror coming right up.”

  X

  Jonathan Sterling

  “You see, Headmaster Ozpin, this nonsense has gone on long enough. You are sndering the good name of one of Remnant’s finest, an upstanding man who contributes far more to society than that animal you’re sheltering,” I said. I didn’t care that he was the Headmaster of Beacon. He was but a man in the end, a man dependent on SDC dust.

  “Am I, Mr. Sterling? I don’t recall making any comments concerning Mr. Schnee,” the silver-haired man said. He sat sipping at his coffee, as if none of this concerned him. He hadn’t even offered me any!

  “Your silence and failure to punish this Tianyu character is a statement in itself.”

  “Is it? It sounded like a rather sincere plea to his mother. Have you seen it?”

  “Have I-Yes! It’s a travesty!”

  “Well, I’ve called both Tianyu and Weiss so you can speak with them yourself.”

  “I intend to. And should his prank go any further, Mr. Schnee has given me orders to pursue this to the full extent of the w.”

  “You do that,” he said with another leisurely sip. He was an infuriating man to deal with, completely aloof from it all.

  He paused as a gentle breeze flowed through the office. The windows weren’t open, which must mean the air conditioning was acting up. Then again, what else could I expect of a man who couldn’t even keep his own students in order?

  He stood and walked to the edge of the office. I had to give him that much, the office had a marvelous view, a panoramic vista of the castle and Emerald Forest below.

  I tried again. “Headmaster Ozpin, please see sense here. I don’t want to ruin a student’s life for an overblown prank, however insulting and ill-considered it was. If you could get him to retract his statement, maybe suspend him for a semester, there need be no further consequences, surely.”

  “You are mistaken, Mr. Sterling. You are under the false assumption that I am capable of disciplining him at all.”

  “You’re the headmaster!”

  “So I am.”

  “What are you–”

  “▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!!!!!”

  The office grew dark as the panoramic windows I’d admired mere moments ago fell under the shadow of a titanic beast. My jaw dropped as it rose, and rose, and rose, and rose.

  A snake, I betedly realized. There was a snake. A flying snake that shone with every color of the rainbow.

  “G-G-Grimm,” I stammered.

  “That is no grimm, Mr. Sterling,” Ozpin said nonchantly, still sipping his coffee. “As you can see, that serpent cks the bck scales and mask of a creature of darkness. In fact, I would go as far as to say that judging by its prismatic scales and tranquil breeze, it is quite the opposite.”

  “W-What is that?”

  “I do not know. I’ve never met it before. If I had to guess, that would be Tianyu’s summon. You are aware, aren’t you? The Schnee family Sembnce has a rather distinctive ability.”

  “Th-That’s impossible,” I said, but the words rang hollow in my ears.

  The feathered serpent turned and spiraled in a dispy of acrobatics that demanded to be admired. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, pure artistry of dance that seemed transcendent in its splendor.

  Then, as it drew near, I saw two figures on its head. One was the rabbit faunus that had caused so much trouble. He was even more beautiful in person, as though the gods crafted a perfect human then spped on rabbit ears just to spite us mortals. He sat nguidly on the serpent’s head, like a majestic king on his throne. In his arms, carried like a princess, was the Schnee family heiress.

  The serpent approached but the gss did not break. Instead, Tianyu did something that made the gss ripple, phasing both students into the office. He set Weiss onto her feet and leveled me with a piercing stare that made me lose my breath.

  He had eyes like dazzling rubies. But rather than marvel at their beauty, I felt paralyzed, like the proverbial rabbit before a cobra. He said nothing and already, I felt like prey.

  “Well, Mr. Sterling,” the bastard coffee-addict said, still utterly unfazed by it all. “You are free to give Tianyu a stern talking-to. I’m sure you can get through to him.”

  Author’s Note

  The original quest is dead (pending rewrite), but was an amalgam of different settings. I think I had Campione, Marvel (scaled down a great deal), BHA, Shokugeki no Soma, and The Boys. Tianyu’s first companion was Laura Kinney, X-23.

  As for Tianyu’s Authorities, it was my intention to make it a running joke that he faces every serpent deity. Usually, it’d be because Heretic Gods go mad with their descent to the mortal pne and they all want to eat the bunny.

  By this point, a century ter, he’s got them all: Maxa’xak, Aboriginal Rainbow Serpent, Apophis/Apep, Leviathan, Jormungandr, and of course, Queso. The only one he doesn’t have is Yamata no Orochi, not because they don’t hate each other, they do, but because Orochi is in Susanoo’s sake bottle if you remember chapter one of this story.

  Queso, as the only one of those gods who isn’t an irredeemable asshole, is now Tianyu’s subordinate god. Tianyu is exactly the kind of Campione who’d summon a subordinate god just to make a fashion statement.

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