Blublublub...

  Fwah~! The water's so nice and warm! I can feel the heat soaking through my whole body, boiling away all the tension in my muscles. I must've fallen asleep in the bath again...

  Sniff sniff.

  Ooh! Smells like Olive's cooking up something nice! Is it breakfast already? Or is it lunch? Dinner maybe? Huh. What time was it again? I’ve lost track... Well, whatever time it is, I'm sure Mom will be in here to kick me out of the bath any minute now.

  Fwah~! I don't want to wake up just yet though! It's so warm and comfy in here. I wonder what—

  Glublublub!

  I feel somebody grab the top of my head and shove my face below the water. Water shoots up my nose, sending me into a spluttering fit and snapping me from my sleepy thoughts.

  "Hey!" I shout, springing to my feet. "Which one of you lanky beanstalks did that?! I'm telling Mom! But not before kissing you on your stupid mouth! With tongue!"

  Jolting wide awake to catch which one of my sisters has been messing with me in my sleep, my eyes immediately meet with the culprit.

  "..."

  A little green creature in a dirty apron and puffy white hat blinks back at me in surprised silence. Eventually coming to its senses, it jumps back in alarm, screeching up at me while waving a big spoon.

  "I don't remember having such an ugly-looking goblin for a sister..."

  The goblin shrieks again and scampers away, disappearing down a dark tunnel while waving its ladle around in the air.

  Huh? Why would a goblin be... Fwah! That's right! I'm not at home! I’m up on the surface! Or, at least, I was. It looks like I've somehow ended up underground again. A nearby light gently illuminates the distinct contours of the rough stone ceiling above me in an otherwise pitch-black room.

  "Yup. Definitely underground."

  From what I can tell, I seem to be sitting in some kind of circular bath. The hot metal at my back and feet as well as the occasional flickering of an open flame licking up over the rim of the bath tell me that it's not a natural hot spring like the one back home. It’s a lot smaller too.

  The last thing I remember was falling asleep underneath that starry night sky and then... and then I was here. Naked in a bath, being peeped on by a dirty little goblin wearing a silly hat in the dark. I must’ve been carried here in my sleep.

  Fwah! So it's like that, is it? The only reason these little green perverts would capture such a dynamite beauty like myself is to satisfy all their lustful goblin desires! As a disgusting male-only species forced to abduct cute women in order to reproduce, it only makes sense that somebody like me would be a target for these creeps!

  I see, I see! Well, I can't really blame them for kidnapping me in that case, can I? It really can't be helped, can it?

  "Fwahaha—! Hm...?"

  Floating around in the bubbling, waist-high water, I spot an oddly shaped silhouette gently bobbing up and down in the darkness.

  I flex all the muscles in my eyeballs, giving me perfect crystal clear night vision. A simple task for somebody who practices regular strength and weight training every day.

  Fwah! It's a foot! The unmistakable shape of five little toes bobbing above the bubbling water as if waving me a gentle greeting. Or farewell.

  Why is there a foot floating in the bath? Grabbing hold of the foot and lifting it above the water, I give it a closer look. Half a foot. It seems like it was hacked away at the heel, leaving only the front half with all the toes. Peeling the nail from the smallest toe and flicking it away, I pop the freshly peeled pinky into my mouth and suck on it.

  Hmm. Human. Male. Still needs a little more time though. You know the meat's done when you can suck the whole toe right off the bone. It's not quite there yet.

  I drop the foot back into the bath water.

  Hm? Why is there a half-cooked half-a-foot in the bath? I guess it's a convenient place to leave your snacks if you like to bathe often, but...

  I start to notice more things floating around me in the water. A finger, a hand, a nose, an elbow. An assortment of various half-cooked body parts bob along in the water. Organs, ears, eyeballs, a belly button. All slowly boiling and bubbling in the bath around me.

  Wait, is this...? Are they... cooking me?

  No, no, no. Why would goblins abduct a cute girl like me just to cook and eat her? That wouldn't make any sense. That can't be right... Right?

  On that thought, three goblins armed with shoddy spears sprint into the room. They screech at me once they see me standing naked in the cooking pot— in the bath, and rush towards me with weapons pointed forward.

  The first goblin to reach the edge of the water immediately thrusts it at me without hesitation. I catch it easily and yank it towards me, pulling both the spear and the goblin into the boiling water. It shrieks and screams in pain as it struggles and splashes helplessly in the scalding stew— bath water. Raising a leg above the water, I slam it down on top of the struggling goblin, pushing it down below the surface.

  The splash of scalding water forces the other two goblins to hesitate their attack and, not giving them an opportunity to, I reach over the rim of the cook— bath, and grab the top of their heads, pulling them towards me and slamming their faces against its outer metal sides. They both screech and scream in pain against the hot metal before quickly losing consciousness from the shock.

  I lift the two unconscious goblins over the rim and pull them down into the boiling water. Lifting myself out of the water and over the rim, I exit the overcrowded tub. Shivering a little at the sudden chill of the underground coldness, I take a proper look at my surroundings with my superior night sight, my muscular eyeballs still in full flex.

  The stone floor and walls are slick with blood, pooling beneath the thick slabs of bloodied meat hanging from the ceiling. Bodies. Over two dozen of them, silently swinging from their metal hooks chained to the ceiling. Human, elf, wolfman... it's impossible to tell in the state they're in but each of them has been stripped, scalped, and most are missing various limbs or appendages.

  In the centre of the room sits a large metal pot, boiling over an open flame. A wooden table with a bloodied carcass atop it rests nearby, a large cleaver buried deep into a dismembered leg.

  "I-I can't believe it..." I stutter in shocked horror at the sight before me. "This is... This is..."

  I swallow back my tongue-tied words and let my inner feelings bubble up to the surface, unable to hold them back any longer.

  "This is just a damn kitchen! They were cooking me!" I complain aloud.

  All this place is missing is an arrogant beanpole named Olive giving me lectures on sneaking snacks before dinnertime and this is basically the exact same look and layout as my kitchen back home! Bloodied bodies, chains, meat hooks and all!

  "Why would goblins...? Dammit, where are my clothes?"

  I continue to complain, muttering to myself as I search around the room for any clothing. Unable to find anything, I make my way to the only exit, a wide tunnel. My ears twitch a little as the garbled and distorted sounds of loud chittering voices echo down the tunnel. Huffing in irritation, I continue to stomp my way through, following the noise.

  Bare feet slapping loudly against the cold stone, I follow the tunnel up. It shows signs of frequent use, with thick trails of blood and occasional scratch marks against the floor and walls. It does lead to the kitchen after all. But where does the other end lead...?

  The chittering echoes become louder as I near the top, the unmistakable cheering and merry-making of a goblin horde becoming clearer with each step. A dim light illuminates the end of the tunnel and the opening to another chamber, casting a shadow of dancing silhouettes against the ceiling and walls.

  I burst loudly through into the next room.

  "Hey!" I scream over all the noise. "Has anyone seen the frilly black dress with the white apron?! It's the one with the short skirt and the cute ribbon on the front!"

  The room suddenly goes silent as hundreds of green heads instantly snap towards me, a thousand little black eyes glaring my way.

  "The panties too!" I shout over the silence, crossing my arms across my bare chest and tapping my foot against the floor. "The ones with the blue and white stripes!"

  A huge cavern stretches out in front of me. Several long tables and benches made from roughly shaped logs line the floor, scattered around at odd angles. Mountains of cooked meats along with crudely carved cups, plates, and bowls litter the surface of each table. Along the sides of the cavern, bright burning torches line every wall, spread across over uneven heights and at odd intervals.

  Aside from the questionable taste in cluttered furniture, the cavern also happens to be filled with a questionable number of goblins to match. A lot of goblins. Hundreds—maybe a thousand of them—filling every seat and inch of floor space. All of them glaring right at me.

  The space suddenly erupts in angry shrieks and shuffling feet. A group of three goblins sitting at the nearest table jump out of their seats and rush toward me, little jagged utensils in their clenched fists.

  I swing my arm around, raking my nails across the space in front of me. Clutching at their throats, the three rushing goblins quickly slow to a stumble. Blood spills from beneath their hands as they stagger slowly past me, tripping over themselves and tumbling back down the dark tunnel into the kitchen below. Three more goblins break off from the crowd and, like the last three, quickly meet the exact same fate at the bottom of the tunnel behind me.

  Stolen novel; please report.

  It's nice to know goblins are always just the same old breed of stupid no matter where you go. What's the deal with the groups of three? At least mix it up a little!

  I breathe a short sigh as I half-heartedly swat the occasional thrown plate or utensil out of the air. The goblins have managed to form a thick wall in front of me yet none of them want to risk getting too close, leaving a wide space between me and the crowd.

  Eventually, an excited murmur starts to build towards the back of the crowd. It quickly spreads its way across the sea of goblins and then grows in volume, rapidly building into a loud chant.

  “Gumgum! Gumgum! Gumgum!”

  The goblins all begin to chant in unison, stomping their feet and banging their fists against the tables in an unrhythmic mess of unsynchronized noise.

  "Gumgum! Gumgum!" I can't help but get swept up in all the excitement, so naturally, I begin chanting with them. "Gumgum! Gum..."

  I trail off mid-chant as I feel something approaching. Even above all the stomping and cheering, the unmistakable heavy footsteps of something much bigger and stronger than a puny goblin sends vibrations through the floor, causing my muscles to gently flutter in quiet anticipation.

  I walk towards the source of the vibrations, the crowd of goblins parting to let me deeper into the cavern. The chants grow louder as I near the middle. Above the crowds, I spy the silhouette of a tall, hulking figure slowly moving toward me in the distance. Suddenly, it jumps. The garbled cheers reach a crescendo as it flies over the sea of goblins and lands directly in front of me with a heavy boom, shaking the entire cavern and leaving a small crater underfoot. A red mist hangs in the air from the few goblins unlucky enough to get caught in the landing, disappearing into a sudden haze of blood.

  Clearing the blood mist with a single swipe of a huge arm, the giant green figure glowers down at me, arms crossed in front of his bare chest. All four of his arms.

  "Fwah!" I look up at the creature with surprise. "A hobgoblin! And a big one too!"

  Not only is it a big hobgoblin, it's the biggest hobgoblin I've ever seen, standing several heads taller than me.

  The hobgoblin snarls and spits at my feet.

  "Gumgum not goblin hob," it says, pointing to a crown of teeth and bones sitting atop its bald head. "Gumgum goblin king!"

  King? I've never heard of a goblin king before. I didn't even know they had kings. Although, I guess I've never heard of a goblin with four arms before either.

  Alongside the crown, the dishevelled mess of bloodied scalps stitched together to form a cloak draped over his shoulders does make him look quite kingly, I suppose. He’s also the only one in the room wearing pants. It’s a crude mesh of dirty leather and rusted metal blades welded together, but pants are pants. Most goblins opted for the classic loincloth after all, and I prefer the breeziness of skirts. Although, right now I’m not wearing anything at all...

  The goblin king Gumgum puffs out his chest, cracking his knuckles together.

  "Gumgum kill!" he spits. He points a finger at me and draws a line across his neck with a thumb, still cracking his upper knuckles together threateningly. "Gumgum eat!"

  The goblin crowd cheers loudly at his declaration of violence.

  Fwah...? Hold on a moment...

  "Pepper not understand! Why eat?! Goblin is pervert! Goblin kidnap pretty ladies! Pepper is pretty lady! Why goblin eat pretty lady?! Not make sense!" Pointing a finger right back at the goblin king, I shout back at him while mimicking his primitive manner of speech.

  "Not pretty lady!” he snaps back angrily. “All goblin think you are man!"

  ...

  "... Fweh?"

  The room goes quiet and I look around to catch a few goblins silently nodding in agreement. Others awkwardly avoid my gaze and look away apologetically. A few of the latecomers pushing themselves to the front of the crowd to view the spectacle even gasp in surprise as they point to my exposed nethers, as if genuinely surprised to find nothing there.

  "H-how can Pepper be man?! Sexy cute! Dynamite body! D-cup!"

  My voice falters a little as I protest the goblin king’s words. There’s no way these goblins could’ve mistaken me for a man. Pepper Black is a woman who absolutely oozes pure feminine sex appeal! This must be some kind of sneaky goblin mind trick at play in order to throw me off my game.

  "Not D-cup! Only muscle! Hard like stone! Not soft like cloud! Look like body of man! Maybe B-cup at best if Gumgum being generous!"

  ...

  Ah. It's just as I thought. The world doesn't need goblins in it after all.

  I guess it can’t be helped... I’ve got time for a quick genocide, right?

  “Alright, you’re all jerky! Every single one of you is jerky!”

  To the cheers of the goblin crowd, I lunge at Gumgum and he does the same. As we meet, I catch his punch with my free hand while he catches mine with one of his. Locked into a grappling match where brute strength is king, I’d usually have the upper hand here if it wasn't for the goblin king's literal upper hands.

  With his upper arms still free, Gumgum swings his fists down on top of my head, beating down on me over and over again without pause. Each impact sends shockwaves cracking through the air, rattling my body with every heavy swing.

  I never understood what my sisters meant whenever they call me a ‘muscle-brain’. It sounds like a compliment but it feels like they’re making fun of me. But I guess I was wrong. I mean, how can having a muscular brain be a bad thing, right? Now I know for certain. What my beloved sisters have been trying to tell me all along is...

  “Fwahaha! Pepper Black is a woman whose brain is buff enough to withstand any attack!”

  Grabbing hold of Gumgum’s lower hands, I yank them down hard, pulling the goblin king toward me. An audible crack cuts through the jeering of the goblin crowd and I feel the crunching of bone as the top of my head meets with his chin.

  Gumgum immediately stops his onslaught of punches, roaring in pain as he takes a step back, clutching at the dangling chunk of meat that used to be his lower jaw.

  “Gumgum Curse... Gumgum... strongest...” he gurgles, barely managing to stammer out the words from between his half-remaining teeth and the tongue flapping uselessly over empty air.

  A ‘Curse’, huh? Ah, I get it now. The goblin king Gumgum isn’t some kind of special, elite breed of goblin after all. He’s just a regular hobgoblin. A regular hobgoblin who got a bit cocky because he happened to be born with two extra arms. A Curse. I guess having a Curse like that would make him the strongest. The strongest goblin, that is. After all, this so-called goblin ‘king’ isn’t the only one born with a Curse...

  Donning a smug grin on my face— I throw up.

  Feeling something hard forming in my stomach, I try and force it out but it catches in my throat. I wince a little as I reach inside, gripping the stuck object with my fingers as I try to pull it out.

  Fweh? Isn’t this one a little too big? Like, really really too big?! It’s not coming out! What the hell is it? I was trying to show off a little but I think I might’ve made a mistake...

  Seeing an opportunity to attack, Gumgum roars, lunging at me one last time. Reaching in with both hands, I grab the outer edges of the unknown object and yank it the rest of the way out of my mouth, swinging it down on the goblin king's head in the same motion. A deafening crack echoes across the cavern as he collapses to his knees and crumples to the floor, blood pooling out from his ears.

  “Bleh... Splinter.” I cough, plucking out the small wooden shard lodged in the back of my throat. “Ouch.”

  Well, that sucked! I didn’t expect to throw up something that big! If I didn’t diligently train my throat and stomach muscles every day, that thing would’ve torn me in half from the inside out! What the hell was it anyway? If it left splinters it was probably made out of wood...

  I look over the thick wooden object in my hands as I stand it up against the floor.

  Fwah! It’s a door! A wooden door! A wooden door, handle and all, had forced its way up from my stomach, out of my mouth, and slammed against the goblin king’s skull. This is the first time I’ve thrown up something this big. Bigger than myself! Unlike the spoon from yesterday, I don’t think I’ll be sending this one back in again. No thank you!

  “G-Gu..." A pained gargle rises from a pool of blood near my feet.

  Hm? Oh! Gumgum’s still alive. My bad.

  I lift a leg into the air and slam my foot down on the back of Gumgum’s head. Hard. It instantly bursts into a puddle of pink paste, oozing out from between my toes.

  “Goblin ‘king’, huh?” I scoff at the dead Gumgum. At the end of the day, a goblin is still just a goblin. The only thing that made this goblin special was the fact that he was a little taller than the other goblins, as well as having a pretty strong Curse.

  In this world where rare individuals are sometimes born with bizarre supernatural abilities—Curses, as they’re commonly known—being born with four arms seems like a pretty badass one. Being able to throw up random objects from who-knows-where seems kinda lame in comparison, to be honest.

  Realizing that their leader has been taken out, the other goblins shriek in anger. In an instant, they all begin to charge—hundreds of shrieking goblins wildly lunging toward me—violently tearing and clambering over one another to be the first to get to me.

  Did killing their leader enrage them that much? Or do they figure whoever kills me is the one who gets to be the new leader? Either way, I’m turning every single one of these dirty gremlins into jerky!

  “Fwahahaha! So eager to be inside such a beautiful woman, are we? How very goblin-like!” I grip the door with both hands and lift it over my shoulder, ready to swing. “Don’t worry! There’s enough room for all of you in Pepper’s belly! Come!”