Macies List of Life Advice
- Do not put milk in toasters - they will not make milk bread and set on fire if you turn them on
- Arson is illegal (apparently setting a house on fire to celebrate is not responsible)
- You shouldn't like enrgish - it bad
- Going around cutting peoples hair will get you suspended from school
- You are not allowed to keep scissors in your sleeves
- You are also not allowed to throw them at people (in case they get offended)
- Bringing a katana to school and sharpening it in Maths is not a good idea - they tend to stare
- If your brother breaks his arm you are not to throw boxes of bandages at him (he is injured and you are not a doctor, even if you wear a white lab coat)
- Running head first into a concrete wall will not get you to Narnia, or Hogwarts (you have to run into the red brick one they have all lied to you)
- Children's books do not have murder or blood (do not ask the librarian for them, even if it's for your cousin. She will think you are strange)
- However much you want to stab someone in the eye, it is not polite, you have to ask first
- No matter how much you need someone's legs for a ritual sacrifice they will not give it to you (unless you forcefully take them, but that's rude)
- Slamming your face onto your keyboard and rolling around on it could turn on grayscale (along with 10 different applications and possibly a virus)
- Hair is not for eating, it is for setting on fire
- You must not scream at people who are normal (they tend to get scared)
- Save sleep for the sane, they need it
- DEATH (when you die you're dead)
- If you die harder, you're more dead
- Tables make great C4 barriers
- C4 and bed frames are a great idea
- Flammable gases are flammable (I know from experience, trust me)
- Flammable objects are also flammable
- Laughing when someone says funeral is not a good idea
- Saying yum while looking at heads on pikes is also not a good idea
- Faceplant. Need I say more?
- Don’t ask genies for raspberry crowns.
- When in doubt, dig a hole in your backyard and stand in it and pretend to be a carrot, like so:
- Shouting “the earth's crust is 50 percent oxygen” and then proceeding to get onto the floor and start sniffing the floor will not get your homework done
- Walking on top of a random person then claiming you are 70% jesus will get you arrested
- Your teachers are not kidnapping you
- The fire alarm is not rude, even if they're being loud
- The tsunami is not your bathtub and does not have your bathtub
- Satan gets an allergic reaction when you throw pink puppies at him
- Vegans are paper towels, but then so am I
- Macie no means Macie yes (Macie, no)
- If you make a bad pun and someone says to get out, this apparently does not mean it's time to leave school. Nor does it mean jump out the window
- When your sister kidnaps your iPad, you are to politely ask them to return it. Not climb a tree and break into her room through the window while your brother plays mission impossible music
- Tables can be cut apart with a kitchen knife if you use it to play drums
- Tables are rude
- Chasing your brother around with a baseball bat will get you told off. Chasing him around with a kitchen knife will get you arrested
- Bobbin pins are not for sticking in eyebrows
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