An echo. A roar. A celebration at his expense…
No… a memory.
Something in the dark, in the empty. Something, he shouldn’t be having.
And yet it was here. To remind. To reaffirm.
To tell him it will be alright.
Because this was the dawn that came after his darkest moment. What… what he hoped she would remember.
That wall, The Wall, erupting as she gained altitude. As she carried Seth up into the air. Carried him away from the pain and suffering he’d endured. Defenders up and down this megalithic line celebrating like the war was over at so very long last. That this was their dawn too. They whistled and cheered as loud as they could, like nothing mattered anymore. Like the monsters were nothing more than a bad yoke broken off of their backs. With one voice booming over all the others.
Aegis moving toward him with all due speed, heart racing beyond its bounds and closing in on hyperventilation. Landing on a see-through platform hung over the froth and sea of black beneath. Letting Seth down… So she could hug her father.
“Aegis that was amazing! You reacted faster than I’ve ever seen!!”
The world was still hollow, but Seth couldn’t help but see. And feel what he was now without. Her father was tall, way too tall, and was practically built like the wall he was defending. His hair almost burnt orange against dark brown, with a short beard to match. Though it was all caked in… in dust. He wore a similar armored bodysuit, grey on grey with only a symbol of sloped walls embossed upon its chest. The girl pulling away from the hug long enough to breathe something other than that too damn big chest.
“Agh! Don’t… Just don’t tell mom you dropped willy-pete on me okay? She’s already going to kill me for agreeing to this.”
The man hugged her in relief again, grin ear to ear and smothering away that anxiety attack waiting to take hold. But she couldn’t escape what she had done, and focused back to Seth as the cheers died down to gradual joy. And restrained honesty at the state of who was before them now.
He was lost, unmoving, emotions so mixed and messed up it hurt to really feel them this way. The swarm, his mother, being saved, the wall, the pit in his gut, the grit on his hands, and all this merriment finding his plight. All wrapped up in muscles too sore to move an inch, a stomach too empty to keep going, and nerves so hollow they may as well be paralyzed. He barely even felt conscious as he took it all in, as a… As a familiar darkness seemed to creep in at the edges of his fraying mind. Blotting and blocking away the tears he couldn‘t shed.
The man relinquished his daughter and stepped up beside him, bulk too much to not feel it move toward. The warmth of his gaze and sympathy threatening to break through the ashen exterior, topple him by sheer wake alone. As he knelt down and put a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s alright son. You’re safe now. You won’t have to…”
Seth turned in slow simple reflex, but gave off a stare that could go on for a thousand miles. The man winced, and a fear flashed into his warm sympathy. But not just because of the broken stare, but because, in the reflection of that sympathy, Seth’s eyes were slit like so many he’d no doubt seen. And faced. And broken before him.
Yet a blink snapped both back to the reality around them. Back to normal hazel irises just feeling the weight of the world upon them. The darkness fading away, letting go and letting him experience this old world in full. As their moment broke and the man readjusted himself, hiding his reaction as best he could.
“Here! Aegis, take him down to the medical tents. And stay with him, he’s going to need some support.”
The girl grimaced, but-
“Okay.”
Aegis gripped his hand tight, tight enough that metal… that Seth felt her heart easing out of its adrenaline soaked pace. As she led him away. Becoming his staunch guide to traverse the enormity of this defense. To keep him from getting lost even more. And yet feeling a relief her part was finally over.
They passed soldiers resting from the fight he followed all the way here, meeting similar stares and hopeful wishes. Whispers about how he got here and where he came from already spreading faster than they walked. So queued up against the raised lip that there was little else to do. Sitting and standing as they pleased, awaiting more calls from the spotters still scanning the ruins below. Against the other side was their replacements and reinforcements, resting even harder before they too were called to action. Some even sleeping, or trying to. They all wielded what looked to be rifles at first with large drum mags, but the shell casings Seth shuffled along through made it clear they were shotguns.
The turrets he had seen before were even more intricate up close. Rotary guns of huge clockwork, fed from behind the wall by long full tubes of shells. There were pulleys and railways going out the back of them. And some still had freshly made turrets peeking up from over the safe side.
The smell of all this gunpowder made it hard to breath. Like he was watching General Advance on parade again, but way too close to his sparkler bedazzled tank. Something garlic wafting up from the burning ruins beyond adding tang. Dirt and sweat and desperation making it thick. Too much to take in, too much to parse. Yet reminding him of what had already befallen him. This memory in flux just as much as it held.
But continuing regardless of which Seth felt it. The pair coming upon the stairs and the full sense of enormity this place had. With a strong dose of vertigo adding itself to the minutia. The pulley and rail dropping down to assembly lines massed and stretching out into the landscape beyond. Thin walled factories and warehouses, tents bunched and rowed out into the horizon. Yelling and ordering, whistles and signals, people massed to man and support this one single barrier…
Between his world and theirs.
Stairs going up from that military industrial sprawl filled with even more replacement troops. In much the same stature and much the same demeanor. Resting against railings and on landings, watching curious and irrespective and/or just holding on to what was had. Aegis leading him down the triple wide and empty flight opposite them, only adding to his overwhelming insignificance. And a sense of guilt that refused to stop counting up a tally.
For as far as he could see, as far as he could feel, as much as he could take in and understand. There were people. Soldiers, workers, medics, even other supers. People who fought and held and died and bleed to keep back… To stop what he held. The scale of this operation horrifying alone, but the cost of it. The death already known becoming astronomical in his head. His promise being buried under its own childish hubris.
But amplified as its workings came to be known, as the one thing missing came into concave relief. Because there was no power here. No lights but glow sticks and torches, no wires or generators or even batteries running this place. Everything done by hand or simple machine. Those pulleys and rails just that. Ropes, run down along, ending at waiting groups of workers and supers ready to pull a new turret into place. Every landing of the opposite stairs stacked with boxes with gears and springs visible within. And the factories much the same as they neared their level.
Seth couldn’t feel anything but the stares that saw him descend. Not a spark or joule as conveyors and teams doled out their production. Cranks were wheeled, presses manually levered, drills backed by massive collections of gear teeth and rubber. Materiel and materials being trucked in by foot and hand. Run in vast convoys in boxes and in stacks. All for the miles and miles as far as he could see. And for all who saw him.
For the full walk they took into its breadth. Led through this landscape of effort and ingenuity he couldn’t understand. Passing soldiers moving back and forth from their shifts, workers hobbling back to loading docks further out, and endless medical wards reeking of antiseptic. And blood.
The walk becoming a blur, overwhelming every sense with dust and guilt, hope and pain. Watching casualties limp out and alongside them, watching fresh faces experience all the same insignificance. And feeling all their eyes on him like they couldn’t understand. Like they didn’t care. Like their pity was enough to stop him from collapsing in on himself seeing what it took. What it had taken to keep his town at bay. To stop that tally from becoming too much to count.
Until they finally it stopped, Aegis stopped. A small wide open tent designated as nonpriority ward. And library. Reams of medical manuals filling shelves to one side, a simple practice taking up the other. And, almost emphatically, it had lights and electricity. What better a cure for crushing insecurity than reading about diseases under a reading light you hadn’t had in months. It was already having an effect, if only just.
Seth sat down on a high top examination table, Aegis helping him up and staying beside. The concern she wore muddled, lamenting being volunteered for this, but still focused on caring as she watched on. Thankful she was as far from the wall as she could be. A doctor on duty looking him over, though hesitated as Seth’s condition became less physical and more psychological, worry clear but pity nonexistent. Too much that he couldn’t do.
“Can… you tell me your name?”
Seth turned slowly up and tried to speak. Tied to say sorry for all of this, for all he… for all that had happened. But nothing came out. He didn’t know whether his voice was still borrowed away or he just couldn’t will himself to do anymore. They sighed, but turned to Aegis.
“Here, take him out back and sit with him. If he’s responsive that’s a good sign, but I’ve got half a division to see before the day is out. I don’t have the kind of time he needs for this. Just… talk to him. Give him some normalcy. And some food and water.”
She winced but understood with a sigh of her own. There were more broken people with more important duties. And she already understood what was wrong with him. Aegis accepted a water bottle from the medic while helping Seth up and out of the tent. To the less crowded alley behind it.
She plopped him down on some boxes stacked out back before grabbing two energy bars out of her pockets, offering one with the water and a concerned smile. Seth slowly looked at the offering, smooshed and generic of branding, but hunger drove his movements on as he took the bar over the water. It was peanut butter and banana, but he would have taken it even if it was grape or some other nonsense. He tore it open like a starved animal and ripped into it. Scarfed down chunks without a care for how dry it was. How salty it was, how the granola little more than gravel, how the filling stuck in his teeth…
But it was good. It was too good.
They sat in silence for a time both munching to themselves, though Seth could feel the side eye she gave him. So slowed down before he started choking. Taking gulps from the water bottle and swishing away the desert that was his mouth. And yet drooped his head, still fighting back dried up tears, as various service personnel flowed by. Aegis breathing in every few bites she took, to get control of herself too. Her eyes closed and not adding to the weight of everyone who saw them. And yet didn’t see a subtle hand reach back slightly, siphoning some electricity from wires run behind them. The hunger was one thing, but he was really missing having any sort of strength.
Gradually the world muted out more manageable, soothed to something close to ease. Even full breaths and slow acceptable din. Yet still Aegis hemmed next to him with a little disquiet, probably thinking of what she could even do to help. The hustle and bustle of this analog fortress drowning out the Garkah, but Seth was starting to feel them again. Though he was still left with nothing but himself. With his own guilt beginning to bleed between both expanses. Until Aegis finally broke that silence.
“So… do you... at least remember your name?”
He was still out of it but a little surprised prickled him, allowed her sincerity in as he turned to nod in confirmation. Head still down and fatigue still weighing, but needing to at least be present. For her sake as well, as she perked up at the motion.
“Okay, sweet. So we’re getting somewhere. M-my name is Dana… by the way. But… Well no one really cares to even remember that so they just call me Aegis all the time. Do you-”
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
A passing pair of wounded soldiers interrupted her and gawked absentmindedly. Washing away sincerity with pity and astonishment.
“Is that him?”
“Yeah, a survivor from Brighton.”
Seth retreated into the shade of his borrowed cap, deeper into his dust caked scarf. Aegis leered at them to get them moving on. It was hard enough as it was. A shadow crossed the ground with little notice and the soldiers took the hint. Aegis sighed and tried again.
“Do you… Do you remember how to speak, or… or is it just too hard?”
Seth furrowed from under that shadowing brim, but didn't really know how to answer. All he could do was turn up to her, somewhat more energetic than before, and shrug.
“Y-you don’t know?! Ugguh!”
Aegis slumped in defeat but thought for a bit, concern melting with the slightest of upticks. A shadow crept in from the alleyway between tents behind her, but went unnoticed.
“Maybe… I can give you something interesting to talk about? Like a secret.”
Seth perked up slightly, but looked at her more puzzled than intrigued.
“Well it’s how people get me to talk, they trade secrets. Here, I’ll tell you a something, but you have to tell me something just as good. Okay?”
Seth was hesitant, knew what was coming, but slowly nodded anyway. Like this memory was forceful, demanding he remember.
“Sweet. So you know that shield I put up?”
The shadow in the alley tensed, but didn’t intervene.
“It works like a… a filter. It stops things that want to hurt me, or things that could hurt me. So… stuff like breathable air and light pass right through, but stuff like rocks, or shrapnel, just bounce off. For people it gets a little more complicated. My dad always says it’s something about ill will or possibilities. I could never get a clear answer from him. But it always sounded like if… you don’t want to or won’t ever want to hurt me, you could just pass right on through like it wasn’t even there. Like, only good people could ever ignore it. Heh, though sometimes I catch my dad out with them so it’s probably more than that.”
As she giggled Seth reeled in confusion, both by her description and her brashness. Why would she tell him that? Isn’t it like a weakness or whatever? But he knew if she was telling this it was to get him in debt to her, so he had to tell her something.
As if he didn’t have enough debt already.
Aegis pouted at his hesitation and exacerbated confusion.
“So… What have you got?”
Seth was stopped in thought, of what to even say, what he could even say. But he had to tell her something. Or maybe just… show her something. He grunted, but knew what would be even trade. If a bit too much. Though… he felt he could trust her.
Trust all of them with this.
He hesitated for a second, but pulled his hat off, showing the shaggy brown hair on his head that had begun to turn white at the root. Turning his hat around, he stared at the Brighton logo on it. Remembering what he had promised to do. To be a hero, to heal the damage done, to atone for the people who had already suffered enough. And resolved that it was better that someone at least knew. That some truth was better than a whole lie. So he turned it to show it to Aegis, pointing at the logo, trying to get her to focus on it.
“Something about Brighton. Something about… your home? You… don’t have to…”
The shadow inched closer, as if to catch even the slightest sound. As Seth shook his head to stop the growing worry.
“Not your home? Then wh-”
He put a hand up to stop her, pointing again then crossing out Brighton to reaffirm that point.
“Brighton’s… not your hometown?”
He nodded.
“Then what was?”
Seth dropped his head, the truth weighing it down as he pointed passed her, toward The Wall.
“The… town out there?”
Seth shook his head and pointed at the cap, as if it were the town itself, and pointed to a spot beyond it.
“Farther than Brighton?”
Seth nodded.
“But the only place farther than that is…”
Aegis stopped, the shadow tensed, and Seth left her to pick up those horrid pieces. She knew something about Frigateville, that much was clear. But what, he didn’t know. It was her turn to hesitate now, to deal with some of the weight stacking up on his back. But… but her gaze didn’t shift from the sympathy it conveyed.
“So… you walked all the way from… there, huh?”
Seth nodded, worry throttling his heart up but thankful she was keeping quiet. Taking that burden on herself, lightening the load just that little bit. Giving Seth that small piece of relief in the admission so quickly revealed.
“That’s ugh… sheesh that’s far.”
If maybe a little strained.
The shadow behind her retreated, but footsteps rounded the tent to come through more official, as if directed to them. Before Aegis could ask another question, a woman with medium blond and blue streaked hair opened the flap next to them. She wore a similar armored bodysuit to Aegis and her father, but had some kind of stylized picture of the Earth on her chest. It focused on the upper atmosphere, with an image of ascending lines going up to and all the way past it. And as Aegis turned toward her, she immediately flinched.
“MOM!?”
Surprised, but also scared at how she was about to react. The woman crossed her arms in a stern knowing blueish glare, the news of her saving Seth and getting shelled obviously spreading like wildfire. But quickly she released that motherly glare, shot down to Aegis before she could react.
And hugged her like she was in competition with her father.
“Oh Aegis I was so worried! The whole sector is talking about what you did and… I couldn’t be prouder! My little girl’s first save!”
Aegis was left stunned as the woman rocked back and forth with glee.
“S-so you’re not mad?”
Till the woman roared back up in a flash, never letting go to her daughter’s regret.
“OF COURSE I’M MAD!!! Your father sent you into a monster infested no man’s land and dropped white phosphorus on you!! WHY WOULDN’T I BE MAD!?!”
Aegis recoiled from the matriarchal lambasting, but brushed off her mother’s grip.
“Don’t… hhu…Don’t put all the blame on dad, I agreed to it! I was the only one who could go out there!”
The woman hugged her again before she could get away, a more tender moment and a deeper hug than before.
“I’m just glad you’re alright… We can talk about blame another time.”
But it wasn’t without some tension. She released the hug and turned to Seth.
“So, this is the boy you saved? A little worse for ware, but he seems pretty good for walking all the way here from Brighton.”
Seth caught a hint of her lie in the too cheerful look, but had little ability to call it out, especially when Aegis interjected.
“Y-yeah, I was just trying to help him get the confidence to speak again. He’s… we’ve been through a lot.”
The woman remained soft, but Seth knew she knew this wasn’t the whole story. Yet she didn’t call it out either. Some understanding in the blind already made. This family knew, but was trusting him.
“Well just remember he’s your charge now, so take good care of him, okay? It’s a-”
“A hero’s duty to safeguard everyone, I know mom.”
The woman smiled down at her. She pulled back and walked into the middle of the thoroughfare.
“I’m just so proud of you… Your father on the other hand.”
Without warning she-
“RAMPART!!!”
Blasted off and streaked back toward the wall in a rippling blue wake, leaving the pair alone and wiping away dirt kicked in their faces. Blinking and coughing away it all before-
“heh”
Before Seth started to giggle the situation apart. Followed closely by Aegis as the reality set in. A moment of levity finally breaking through. A shared sense trying to stay for as long as they could like this. Her family was too much to be forced to stay out here. Yet they made it seem so chipper and bright by just smiling on. Seth finally felt it for the first time in so very long. Smiling as this good memory bled. As the real began to lay claim. As a dream had became a dream failing.
She asked more easy questions, what was his favorite food, what did he do for fun, what was… his favorite superhero. Seth hadn’t, couldn’t answer them all, just offering up grunts or more gestures. Fighting the reminders of what he saw, allowing this distance from it to help. A grin still slight on his face.
But all this had a limit, an end. The medic came back through with time again to examine him. And authority to get him to some place better than this overflowing camp. A sadness at having to leave. An unwillingness. Watching Aegis’ face slide down from the joy they had. Going back to resignation and duty. Like it didn’t matter. Like she didn’t want to be here anyway…
‘Why didn’t she remember me?’
No… No that wasn’t right.
But Seth was so tired he couldn’t fight it. Merely watching it replay in rem, and in focus. Watch it show, and twist.
‘Why…?’
The memory found the rails again, but the tests were blurred. Questions ill remembered, a needle prick almost numb, left over hunger and fatigue being wafted away. He probably wouldn’t have understood the diagnosis, but that was…
‘why…’
Something still lingering in this foggy recursive recollection, being pulled at. A remembered sleep oncoming but his subconscious refusing to ignore that time was passing with every blink. The ward fading to shadowed figures and bright lights. Noise and odd feelings. Static and strain against… against his mind from within and without.
Weight was shifting and voices were trying their best to assure. But it was… like nothing else mattered. The memory should have kept going, leading to the orphanage and what his life would become. But it lingered, stayed replaying that small want to stay. That… this disjointed feeling of betrayal.
‘w-why…”
He didn’t know, Seth didn’t know. It wasn’t right but it felt like it was.
She just forgot.
‘Why?”
It was hard on all of them.
“Why?”
She didn’t want to-
“Why???”
Because she never cared in the firs-
‘No!!’
Time had blinked, emotions ringing in the echo. Seth found himself kicked back to the real world. Reeling from memory and past not fading out as it had…
As it should.
Returning to true feeling and heavy existence. Returned by simple uncaring processes, like the need to blink. A sensation he had long wished to never feel again, and yet was forced to as his senses rebooted. As he remembered more than he wished he did.
Dried out eyes tenderly blinking, helmet still on and light flooded in from its burned out slits. He felt himself sitting down, propped up on a stone seat and yet crumpled limp. He made out the barrier that blocked the protected bench, the tousled and tracked in sand from Maya’s walls, the reflecting and grating glints against the clear plastic, the shapes moving around and away from it. He forced his eyes close, fought to come back in full. Fought back thoughts he didn’t want to keep hold of. Questions that didn’t need answers.
He heard the sounds of music and cheering, of announcements and pageantry reverberating through him. He heard Para still playing up his role and burdening him further. He focused, strained, tried to shake his head to clear the mental fuzz that was clouding him. Only to look up in time to see it. See what was leaving him behind.
A hardlight display half projected over the arena. A flickering holographic jumbotron showing the faces and names of all the trainees. No, all the heroes… but one. A shower of faux fireworks spraying and sputtering from its edges. Massed and spectacular congratulations to those who passed and graduated. And adding weight to all that Seth had. Forcing him back down, to see the others cheering and being hailed from a stage wheeled into the center of this devastated arena. Forcing him to see Para praise them with overly ecstatic pride.
The world started to fade again, his senses failing as the hell he was going through crescendoed in celebration. He felt himself slip as the proceedings flew by before him, perceptive advantage crashing hard. Everyone cleared the stage, filed out one final time toward the now shutterless exit. The stands cleared of spectators and family, flash feelings of leering eyes coming from all angles as the cleanup began. The dinky back up stage put away, what was left of the hardlight array shut down. The lights dimming as the last in attendance filed out as well. Yet Seth wasn’t alone, he saw blurs of a few heroes checking in on him, milling about and pondering over his situation. Looking at him… and seeing what he feared. But also he saw, felt Mediknight keep the worst offenders at bay. Healing warmth lost on fried nerves. On damage he could repair.
He blinked and it all returned to the normal pace of life, to more shadows resolving in the dim of the arena. To Aegis and Erdwut standing in front of him. He still couldn’t move, not enough to matter. They both rushed in mannerism and what they carelessly showed. Erdwut staying back with clear disdain, mixed with whatever was hidden under all that stoicism. If not a lapse into that small respect from before it all broke down. Aegis, though, could not hide her concern. Kneeling down trying to catch eye line as best she could. Empathy just not enough to-
“Listen. It's going to be okay.”
Her voice was an echo in Seth’s ears, everything burned out and aching. Not wanting to hear, but catching every syllable. She hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, still wary of past heat but still determined to make things right.
“We all know Para did this to break you down. Has some wild grudge he can’t get over. You scared him, but heroes are supposed to be better than… this. Not to mention he lied to the team… Most of them. But we’ve talked this over, explained a few things, and decided to take it up with HQ. They can go over his head, get you admitted despite what he says. You fought on a level way above everyone else today. Even Hothead can’t argue with that.”
It wasn’t enough…
But it was so very nice. The concern on her face deepening as she pulled closer.
“But… But you need to hold out! Everything is going to be okay. Just… please don’t-”
Erdwut looked over his shoulder at the exit, clearly looking to something before turning back.
“It’s time to go. We still have our own duties to uphold. You need to be present.”
She had more important things…
Yet glared back at him. Seth felt a tight grip on his shoulder even through the metal as she turned back in restraint. As she looked back up into those empty eyes one more time, before getting up and following Erdwut out.
She doesn’t care…
They walked through everything once torn and tossed like it never mattered, toward one of the side doors that led to the periphery. Outside light flooding in and silhouetting a figure holding the door open. Seth’s focus fought to return, for enough to keep Aegis from disappearing into the grey and glare. As her own disdain passed that figure into focus.
Pa...ra...
All that faded burn and broken weight dropped to clarity like an atomic razor, senses flooding back as a surge ignited that depressive void. He could see every detail through the oversaturated backdrop, in spite of the distance, in spite of deep fried being, in spite of all fallen on top of and burying him deep. He saw that smug face turn toward, a face that could drive a jester mad, an air that oozed a pride in the pain and suffering he put him through. As he walked back into the light of the periphery, into the sounds of the reception put on in the foyer. Smiling the whole time, practically laughing at him for everything he had done to get here. And how little he would be forced away from this place with.
None of them care…
The door closed and sank the whole arena back into the dim darkness it rested in. Into emptiness that burned like fuel on a pyre.
Care… about what he did…
A single spot denying its true darkness. One single light straightening up off its burdening weight. Illuminating the whole of that pitiful bench in something compounding in on itself.
Make him pay…
A crackling filling the quiet discordant. The stone of the wall cracking apart. A char radiant, electricity burning in jagged patterns.
Show them…
The bench creaking beneath, burning the same but straining under weight that wasn’t there before. All the while, all the same, all because it was all that could be.
What… you… are…
That left eye burned its bloody red fire.
HERE
THE MIXTAPE IN QUESTION.