Ashley and I are waiting for J.J. and Kay to come out of the locker room following their victorious performance.

  Ashley has used that time to teach me about basketball statistics.

  She says that Kay finished with a triple double, which I learned means she had double digits in three stats categories. She scored 20 points, had 14 rebounds, and 10 blocks.

  Apparently just one of those being in double digits is good, and all three is insane. Kay really was amazing out there, like my eyes were telling me. Ashley was super impressed, and she has a more trained eye for this kind of thing.

  J.J. didn't play as much, but she had 5 points, 7 assists and 2 steals. I learned an assist is when she passes the ball to a player who scores.

  When I see Kay walking our way with a cute little smile on her face, I can't contain my excitement. I run towards her and tackle-hug her. Of course, my comparatively meager weight isn’t even enough to make her budge. She just catches me with no effort and I say, “Kay, that was amazing ! You were amazing.”

  She laughs and returns my hug. She looks down at me with a big smile, “Thanks, Em. I could hear you cheering the whole time. You were more into it than I expected.”

  I feel a little embarrassed about this, but I shrug it off and we break the hug. When we do, we find J.J. and Ashley watching us with smiles on their faces as they whisper to each other.

  I wonder what they are whispering about? Maybe what they are going to do when they get back to J.J's room.

  After J.J. introduces Ashley to Kara, the two love birds make their escape. They don't have much time together since Ashley leaves tomorrow. I'm glad they are going to make the most of it.

  ….

  I just put on my pajamas and I'm about to get in bed.

  Today was a really good day. I'm pleasantly tired.

  Ashley was cool even if I felt like she was analyzing me the entire time. I guess she’s just like that. I had a lot of fun with her and she's definitely expanded my sports and basketball knowledge, which I needed to be a good friend to Kay and J.J.

  Watching the game with her was fun, and seeing J.J. and Kay play so well was really exciting.

  As I'm washing my face, I'm startled by a knock on my door. Maybe I'm still a little on edge from the attack a few weeks ago, but I also really didn't expect someone to knock on my door this late. It never happens.

  Please don't be Ella. Please don't be Ella.

  I reluctantly look through the peephole and I'm beyond surprised when I see two people who I was very sure would be having sex right about now.

  I open the door and address my friends, “Wh-what are you two doing here?”

  J.J. rolls her eyes, “ Such a warm welcome. Can we come in or not?”

  “Um…sure. Sorry. I was just surprised.”

  I step aside and the two girls shuffle into my room. The three of us are just standing around awkwardly, so I break the silence.

  “What’s this about? It’s not like you to stop by like this, J.J.”

  J.J. looks at her girlfriend, “You're sure about this, Ash?”

  She nods, “100% sure. Just tell her. She wants to hear it.”

  “T-tell me what?”

  J.J. nods at her girlfriend and then locks eyes with me, “Kara’s in love with you.”

  And here it is. The moment I've been dreading. The moment when I have to hurt Kay.

  I clench my hands and my jaw, “Sh-she told you that?”

  J.J. crosses her arms, “No. But she doesn't have to. She adores you. Talks about you constantly . She has a special smile I only ever see when you're around or she talks about you. And it's not just me. Multiple girls on the team have asked me if you two are dating. That's how much she talks about you.”

  I look down and bite my lip, “But you don't know for sure?”

  J.J. scoffs, “No. But come on . It's obvious. You have to have noticed something.”

  I sigh and close my eyes, “Y-yeah. I've been worried about this for a while.”

  J.J. nods, “There have been times I've thought…maybe you feel the same about her. But I've been less sure about you. So I haven't said anything. But, Ash thinks-”

  “What!? Of course I don't feel the sa-”

  Ashley scoffs, cutting me off. She levels a glare at me, “Are you freaking serious right now?”

  J.J. frowns at her girlfriend, “Babe, cool it. Now is not the time for intensity.”

  I glare right back at her, “Yeah. It really isn't. I like you Ashley, but talking to me like that when I'm already upset is really going to bring the bitch out of me. I don't think you'd like it.”

  Ashley meets my glare and for a moment I think she's going to fire back, but J.J. shoots her another pointed look. She sighs and crosses her arms and looks away from me “Sorry. I was just surprised you responded this way.”

  “Why? Kay's my best friend. And like…probably the most important person in the world to me. But it’s not romantic, okay?”

  You just met me today, and you were that sure I had feelings for Kay?”

  She nods, “I was, yeah. Still am, to be honest. Hence the surprise.”

  She's REALLY starting to piss me off. She thinks she knows my feelings better than I do!? From spending like 6 hours with me!?

  She's lucky she built up some goodwill today. And that she's J.J.’s girlfriend. Or I'd probably be screaming at her right now.

  I mostly keep my anger under control when I tersely respond, “Why?!”

  She looks at J.J., who gestures for her to continue.

  “Well…Jaz was telling me she thought there might be something between you two, but you were both dragging your feet for some reason. Like you were scared to tell the other because you might get rejected. She wanted me to watch you and see what I thought.”

  The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

  I KNEW she was watching me.

  I glare at J.J. who throws her hands up defensively, “Come on! I'm not completely crazy. You just said that you think Kara likes you.”

  I sigh, “I guess.” I look at Ashley, “It still doesn't feel great to know that the whole time we were hanging out today you were just observing me and pumping me for information.”

  Ashley's confident obstinance fades for a moment as she frowns and slumps her shoulders, “Yeah…that doesn't sound so good, does it? You're right. I did really like hanging out with you, though. I promise. That’s part of why I wanted to tell you about Kara. Because I like you so much. We…thought we would be helping you two out if we gave you the push you needed.”

  I see how guilty Ashley feels and soften my tone, “It's fine. Your heart was in the right place. I guess. I still don't know how just watching me today would be enough to come to this conclusion.”

  J.J. says, “Maybe you're wrong, Ash. But you may as well tell her what you told me. Just lay it all out there.”

  Ashley nods and locks eyes with me, “Listen - I've been to a lot of athletic events in my life. I've seen lots of people cheer.” She smiles, “And the way you were cheering…it's how significant others do it. Not how friends do it.”

  I shake my head at her in disbelief, “ That's your big sign that I'm in love with my best friend?”

  “Well that and how you smile any time you talk about her. And how you know everything about her body. Down to some pretty small details. And how you ran up and hugged her after the game.”

  I sigh in frustration and look at each of them in turn, “You both know I'm not gay, right?”

  J.J. shrugs, “I mean…I know you had a boyfriend. But I hadn't seen anything definitive about whether you liked girls. Then, a few days ago you said you never slept with your boyfriend, so-”

  I raise my voice, “Isn't the fact I had a boyfriend pretty damn definitive?”

  J.J. looks to her girlfriend and asks for help with her eyes.

  Ashley nods to her and then says, “Not really. I had a boyfriend once. And I am 1000% gay.”

  I blink several times, stunned by her statement, “Huh? Why did you date a guy then?”

  “Because…I hadn't figured myself out yet. He was this guy I was friends with for a long time. Really sweet, and funny. And he asked me out.” She shrugs, “I thought, ‘Well, this is what girls do, right? Date guys they like being around.’ So, that's what I did.”

  This…

  “Uh…huh. And h-how did that go?”

  “It was…kind of nice. We dated for like 6 months. It was fun having this person around who liked me so much. And I liked being with him. He’s a good guy. He was fun. But I started to realize something was missing. I didn't really like the physical stuff.”

  Sounds…

  “And I never wanted to go further than kissing. I never felt comfortable about the idea. Heck, even kissing felt kind of forced.”

  So familiar…

  She grins at her girlfriend, who smiles back, “Then, I developed a pretty big crush on the star point guard on the basketball team. Spending time with her gave me this rush of good feelings I never felt with him. This…warm, pleasant, happy feeling. And suddenly, everything fell into place.”

  Suddenly, everything falls into place.

  My legs get weak so I sit down on my bed, dumbfounded by what I just heard. And how it resonated with me.

  “-ily?”

  “Huh?”

  J.J. waves her hand in front of my face and asks, “Are you okay? You're pale. And you were like…spacing out.”

  I run my hands through my hair, “Um…yeah. I think I'm okay. But…I think I just realized that um…maybe I am gay?”

  J.J. gives me a bemused grin, “Uh…what? Weren’t you just yelling at us about how straight you are?”

  I put my hand on my forehead. I feel clammy. Makes sense that I'm pale too. I turn towards Ashley, “Um…yeah, but just…everything you said. About your boyfriend. It's exactly how I was with my boyfriend.”

  Ashley doesn't look very surprised. She sits down next to me with a satisfied grin, “Oh, I see. ”

  Ugh. Maybe she DOES know my feelings better than I do.

  I nod and start to wring my hands together, “A-and there's more. The way you felt about J.J., the feeling you described. It's how I feel about Kay. I thought it was just like…because we're childhood friends, but-”

  Ashley surprises me with a hug, “I knew it!”

  I laugh awkwardly as I return her hug, “I don't get it though. Shouldn't I have like…known I was gay before now? Don't people just know?”

  Ashley breaks the hug and shakes her head with a smile on her face.

  J.J. shrugs, “Everyone's different. I've known since I was like…5. Other people need an awakening, like Ashley did. Some people don't figure it out until they are in their 30s. Like my mom.”

  “Y-your…mom!?”

  She laughs, “Yep. She's gay too.”

  “So…you're adopted?”

  J.J chuckles, “No. That's my point. My mom was married to my dad for 2 years and that's how I was born. But she's gay and didn’t realize it until later. Dating a nice librarian right now.”

  All of this new information about people realizing they are gay as adults throws me for a loop.

  “I'm…so confused right now. Why…why don't people know sooner?”

  Ashley replies, “It's a society thing, I think. We're told the norms so we try to be…” She uses finger quotes, “...’normal’ and don't consider the other options. But normal isn't the only option. In fact, for some of us it's the wrong option.”

  J.J. nods, “So…you think you just realized that you do like Kara?”

  I mull it over for a second, “I'm…still not 100% sure. This is all so…sudden. I feel like I’m in shock more than anything. I need to think about it some more.”

  J.J. nods, “Of course. We'll um…get out of your hair.”

  Ashley nods and takes her girlfriend's hand as she stands up. They stop just before opening the door and Ashley says, “Good luck. And um…let us know if we can help.”

  I nod, “Thank you both for using some of your limited time together on this. Sorry for yelling.”

  They both laugh and Ashley says, “It's fine. I was definitely too aggressive.”

  J.J. laughs, “It's something you two have in common. Getting a little too spicy sometimes. Must be all the spicy food you eat.” She gives me a caring smile, “See you later, okay?”

  Already starting to get lost in thought, I give her an absent-minded nod.

  After they leave, I lie down on my bed and put my hands over my face. My mind is reeling.

  It's so weird how I was so sure I WASN'T gay 20 minutes ago, and now I'm…not sure at all. It’s like some door I kept locked in my brain suddenly got thrown open .

  I think back on guys in high school.

  There weren't really any I was interested in. Stuff with Derek never felt right either, but I thought it was just because we weren't right for eachother. Not because I didn't like guys.

  I roll on my side and sigh.

  There really aren't any other guys I ever seriously thought I liked other than Derek. And I've never understood girls who are obsessed with male celebrities either. I thought it was just because I wasn't as vapid as them, but maybe…

  I roll on my other side and sigh again.

  It's not like I ever liked a girl or had a crush on one either though, right?

  I think hard, sifting through my memories for something I may have overlooked because I was trying too hard to be ‘normal' as Ashley put it.

  I don't really come up with anything. It's not like I ever had a female friend I had a crush on or anything.

  But to be honest, I was never the most social girl. I didn't make very many close friends in school other than Derek. I was really embarrassed about my mom's drinking, so I kept people at an arm's length so they would never want to come over to my house. I was so wrapped up in all my family stuff that dating or liking someone was the furthest thing from my mind until he asked me out.

  I only got close with Derek because he was kind of like me. A cynical loner who didn't like his family situation. He and I spent almost all our time just driving around goofing off so we didn't have to go home.

  I roll on my back and sigh.

  Basically, I'm incredibly inexperienced when it comes to romance. So I'm unsure what all these feelings mean.

  I start to focus my thoughts on Kay, and how I feel about her. With this new door open in my mind, maybe I'll notice something.

  She is the most important person in the world to me. And I'm happiest when I'm with her.

  I also think she's super pretty. And the fact I always find myself captivated by her body might be…something.

  I close my eyes and think about each of those times where I was fascinated with her body.

  I picture her bare back and her long, bare, muscular legs in the changing room on our shopping trip.

  And how safe her strong arms make me feel.

  Then I think about her midriff, which I took a peek at every morning when I was staying with her.

  As I take this little trip through memory lane, I feel my face flush and my heart pound.

  Yeah, that…REALLY might be something.

  And there's the fact I'm more comfortable holding her hand or snuggling her than I ever was with Derek.

  And I end up snuggling her any time we sleep together.

  And I REALLY like sleeping with her.

  And I get jealous when J.J. hogs her.

  I open my eyes, laugh and say, “Yeah, okay,” to myself.

  The evidence is pretty damning now that I'm laying it all out there.

  I think I didn't see it because we've been friends so long. And I thought all the special closeness I felt for her was because of that. And like, maybe that's a factor.

  “But…I like her. A lot.” I say quietly.

  I just said the words out loud. That somehow makes my feelings even more tangible.

  Well, I don't think I have to worry about hurting her any more.