“King Blattodis is an angelic monarch blesszed by the kind and merciful God Nughul. He wears hisz crown and cape to show that he is of royal blood. He hasz sired many children and is a venerated tactical genius. He is often known aszz the szexy king, wisze king, and the szaintly king. He isz the head of the fifth holy army and owner of the ‘Maggot milk dairy farms’.”

  -King Blattodis

  “Did this guy just narrate himself?” Rob said in annoyance as he sat far away from the roach, behind Lodur. He was currently using him as a physical shield.

  “Don’t be such a sour puss Rob, maybe the guy has something called ‘Nyuuro-dai-ver-jens’.” Lodur was still playing with the fly in his hands, only now he did so without the rat gloves. He was able to hold it now without turning it into a dead corpse. He could still do it, but now he has control over which ones he could morph into a dead body. Probably due to some divine shenanigans.

  “What does that word mean?”

  “Dunno, Beelza kept using it when she talks about Knives, so it probably means ‘cool’.”

  “Yeah, I highly doubt that.” Rob cringed as he stared at the six limbed abomination that was currently flexing and clicking it’s mandibles. He honestly wanted to escape this disgusting place even if he had to fight the flesh beasts above ground.

  Blattodis turned his head towards them and bowed with a flourish, now wearing another cape he mysteriously had on hand.

  “Blattodis at your service master Lodur.”

  Lodur was kind of shocked.

  “Master?”

  “Yesz, Great God Nughul, Ruler of all things rotting and dead, has sent me here to assist you in retrieving a relic, szzpecifically the Tongue of domination. It is in possession of a necromantic practitioner who you may know aszz Trisha Berfast. She was supposed to make more followers for Great Nughul, but she started using it for other thingszz.” Blattodis said as he started grooming himself by chewing on his antennae.

  “Woah woah woah, you can’t expect us to retrieve something from her, she has the body the size of an unscalable tower right now. How the hell do you think Lodur could manage to even climb that far with those wimpy arms? No offense Lodur.” Rob complained.

  “Nah your right.”

  “Hehe, fear not for I have been sent with boons!” Blattodis crawled towards Lodur and took out a cup of water? Then he sprayed him with the wet liquid. “Bless Bless Bless”

  Lodur glowed a sickly green, before the light subsided.

  “What just happened?” Lodur patted himself.

  “I was instructed to improve your blessing. While that dastardly God Cethis called it a curse, Great God Nughul instead tried to bestow you a proper blessing. It got a bit stronger when you prayed, as you might’ve noticed when touching things. They don’t instantly turn to corpses anymore. But now that I’ve blessed you, you can have more control. Congratulations! You can make dead plants now too.”

  Blattodis did something with his hands that looked like clapping, but only a clinking sound could be heard.

  “Oh thanks......that’s it?” Lodur was a bit dissapointed at that. He thought it would have been something cooler like ghosts and spectres, but instead he could make dead plants now. Well atleast he didn’t need Robs help to hold his weiner when he pisses anymore.

  “What go you mean that’szz it? You know some people would sacrifice a limb or two to get a blessing like yours.”

  “No no I’m greatful, but we can’t exactly beat up a giant zombie woman and take a tongue from her by making a few wilted plants.” Lodur and Rob were pretty disappointed at that.

  “Well, thanks for that I guess....” Both of the boys turned around and started heading for the stairs while they sighed.

  What a bummer

  “Wait, hold on I promise you that the blessing has more in store for it than what it looks like on the surface.”

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  Lodur and Rob looked at eachother feeling like they’ve just been scammed.

  “Please! I need this, It’s been years since we had a proper follower and it was even longer since we had a church dedicated to our God. We bet everything on Trisha, but she turned out to a disappointment. She stole our artifact and started sapping it’s power instead of making a church like we asked. She was always saying that she’d make one soon, but never really following through.”

  Lodur almost said something to comfort the roach, but Rob held him back and shook his head.

  “I think we should cut our losses man, we can’t beat the giant lady with these boons.” Rob whispered.

  “PLEASE! I’ll give you anything! I have tons of land, miles of capes, and magical artifactszz. I could give you shares of my premium maggot milk. I’d even give you my daughter’s hand in marriage, heck I can even marry you if you want. Just please help us out.” Blattodis pleaded with tears in his eyes. Well they look like tears, but they were a bit too gooey and brown.

  Lodur and Rob’s ears perked up at the word ‘magical artifacts’. They’ve heard stories of swords that could cut anything or a pendant that could summon a dragon before, so they were a bit tempted to hear out the roach man.

  “Well umm no it’s- I don’t want any of that like at all actually, but what did you say about magical artifacts? If the artifact was good enough to help us, I don’t see why we couldn’t beat up the giant lady.” Lodur said.

  “I’m glad you asked!” Blattodis took out a sack made of human skin and unloaded all it’s contents on the floor. He saw a bent stick, a rusted blade, a pretty frilled hat, a rope in the shape of a noose, some suspicious rocks the shape of screaming heads, and a jar of butter, just actual butter. “You can take any 1 thing in my personal collection. Please, I can’t afford to go back without closing this deal or else God is going to demote me. I have a hundred mouths to feed at home, a hundred! So please I really need to get that tongue back.”

  Lodur and Rob perused the artifacts with interest.

  “What do they do?” Rob asked as he held the stick up.

  “That stick has the ability to control all forms of urine and fecal matter. So long as it is considered waste, if you touch the stick with it you can control all pee and poop you desire. Provided it’s in contact of course.”

  Rob dropped the stick and rubbed his hands on his skirt. “Ew ew ew ew ew”

  “What does this do?” Lodur said as he held up the rusted blade.

  “Ah! That is the Blightborne, an eternally rusting and unbreakable blade that could deliver sickness to anyone cut by it.”

  Hmm it sounds amazing, unfortunately it seems useless in defeating a giant zombie lady.

  Lodur put it down and held up another artifact, a hat made from silk with flower motifs. “How about this?”

  “That is the hat of the Witch of the Rotwood forest, it has the ability to decay anything the wearer touches, be it rock, metal, wood, or flesh.”

  Cool, but I don’t want to accidentally rot my friends. Also, pretty useless when the enemy is already rotting.

  “What about this noose thing?” Rob said as he picked it up.

  “That is the Noose of Transcendence, it is living noose that kills it’s user, but gives them the ability to possess their own body. It was once used by the legendary sorcerer Orvod, before he was szzlain in a holy war. Also I advise that you don’t touch it too much.

  Rob heard this and felt the rope already wrap around his neck. He grabbed the rope and pulled it away from him, before tossing it to the ground. “Yeah, Lodur let’s not take the rope.”

  Lodur furrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah, I think we shouldn’t touch the rope at all.”

  Lodur moved on to another artifact, the rocks with human heads. “What about these rocks, what do they do?”

  Blattodis held one of the rocks up. “Aah, these are Damnation stones, stones made from boiling the souls of the wretched and locking them in a vesszzel to be used again. Stick this bad boy in a dead body and you’ll get a friend you can share secrets to at night or help you do chores when you’re busy. I advise you be careful when using it though, since the souls inside have their own memories and personalities. I think they all used to be human.....probably.”

  Lodur’s eyes lit up. He always wanted a friend to share secrets to at night. He also wants to have one in the shape of a kitty cat. He could probably make a body with fluffy white hair.

  Rob saw the last jar of butter and made a puzzled look. “Hey, you said it’s all magical artifacts right, so what does this one do?”

  “Ooh that’s a faszzcinating one. That is butter made from Godworm milk. It is said to give a random blessing or curse to whoever consumes it. The last person I sold it to just exploded and the one before that got mind control powers.”

  Rob perked at this. The inner gambler in him shone at the prospect of achieving a free blessing. Sure they could get a random curse too, but that’s just life.

  Rob and Lodur huddled up in a corner to discuss which one to pick.

  “Rob I really want the Damnation Stones, it seems cool, plus I think I can make bigger animals now. Who knows if one of them could fell the zombie lady.”

  “Nah, the butter seems better. We kinda need something that could beat up that lady, and what better way than with a random blessing.”

  “But the Stones....I think we should take a chance on the stones.”

  “Fine, I think I can get us both what we want. Just follow my lead.”

  Both of them went up to the roach man and said it without an ounce of doubt.

  “We want the stones and the butter.”

  “Hold on! We agreed on only 1. I can’t give you both, that would bankrupt me.”

  “Lodur let’s go.” The boys turned around without looking back.

  “W-wait! I could give you half the stones and half the butter, how does that sound? Please, I can’t go back without the tongue.”

  “We want the stick too. Also no halfsies, we want the whole thing.” Lodur said.

  “Please, I’ll be broke if I do that!”

  “Take it or leave it.” Rob said with a smug grin.

  “C’mon, that’s daylight robbery. Atleast give me something in exchange. I’m a struggling businessman!”

  Blattodis’ stomach rumbled as he hadn’t eaten any proper food for days. He’s been scrounging up food from garbage after he was scammed by a cape salesman. He was poor, but he wasn’t going to look poor.

  Lodur heard the rumbling and decided to take pity on the man. He took out the cheese ball from his pocket and gave the roach man the whole thing.

  “What’s that?” Blattodis asked.

  “Cheese, the best food that any human can ever make. I heard it’s made from aged milk, but I don’t know the process.”

  Blattodis sniffed it as he had never seen cheese before. The intoxicating aroma filled the air as even Rob and the multitude of dog sized flies salivated at the object. Blattodis held it in his hand as if cradling a newborn roach nymph and took a bite. Suddenly he was transported into a universe of flavor where paradise existed in a creamy cheesy embrace. He rolled his tongue. Are those maggots? They were maggots! Somehow, the inclusion of such things made the ball of cheese softer and creamier as time went by.

  “Um Blattodis, are you okay?” Lodur asked when the guy was shaking on one leg and drooling on the side of his mouth. He looked like he was having an aneurysm.

  “Okay? I’m better than okay! You said this was made with milk right? If I can replicate this, I’ll be the richest person back home.” Who knew that in his time of desperation that he would find a hidden gold mine.

  “Hey!” Rob snatched the ball of cheese from the roach man’s hand.

  “If you want the cheese, give us the whole sack of artifacts.”

  “Okay! Okay, juszzt give me the ball!” The ball of cheese was worth more than ten times the amount of artifacts that were in the bag. It was the key to him making a dynasty of prosperity.

  “DEAL!” After discussing more about the mission given by Nughul, the boys and the roach nodded and went on their merry way.

  “Cheese~ Cheese~ Ahahaha I’m gonna be rich!”

  The two left the shrine with a sack of relics and a new mission. It was time to bring down a giant zombie lady.