Chapter 1 - Amnesia
Several contrasting thoughts showered me like heavy rain.
I was running. Yes.
Running in the corridor, with my only true friend. I was happy.
No!
I was.. running from . I was afraid.
No! No! That wasn’t it!
My steps plopped in the puddles on the ground. What color was the water?
Blue! No, muddy brown! No, no! It was red!
I ran to the table outside, ready to celebrate my birthday. I felt.. miserable.
No! I was excited!
These memories.. they weren’t mine. Whose feelings were these?!
I felt all of them, so vividly I couldn’t tell which belonged to me.
He always protected me. My friend. His green eyes always comforted me. Green? No, they were golden!
These visions were like an old memory which I never had. Like a book that had never been written.
I stopped correcting it. I started feeling it.
I.. No, he was happy. And that made me happy.
The white robes.. They were here too. Run!
No wait, they were.. different. Not the same robes, yet the same stench from underneath them.
I needed to protect him.
The image of my spiked crown in the crimson puddle flashed back to my mind, then everything went silent.
?Remember kids, as long as you keep God in your heart, you will never truly be alone? Said the Sister, calmly.
I woke up to those words, seeing many friendly faces nodding their heads happily.
The smell of lit candles found its way up my nostrils.
It was comforting, really; like a patch on an open wound.
The same orphanage I knew. The same friends and classmates… Yet, I had this eerie feeling that I didn’t belong here.
?Did you sleep bad?? A kid approached me.
Emerald green eyes and blonde hair… Did I know him?
The kid’s head sunk to his shoulder. His wide eyes still patiently looking at me.
Right. I needed to respond.
?I wa-? Huh? What was that sound?
I felt my throat. My hands sunk deeper than I expected they would.
?I was just thinking, sorry.?
Had my voice always sounded so… high pitched?
All of my surroundings felt like some kind of weird dream. Like a fuzzy echo of a distorted memory.
?Now go, children: it is time for lunch? Still kneeling in prayer, her back turned on us, the sister sent us off.
?Come! We have to play after lunch, remember?? The green-eyed child grabbed me by the wrist softly, pulling me towards the door.
His name came back to my mind like a boomerang: he was Leo, my best friend and the only family I had.
A lonely tear crossed my cheek as I realized who he was. My heart felt like it was being squashed.
?Did I hurt you? Soorryyy? Leo asked, patting me on the head like the older brother he always had been.
I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt- head shaking in denial.
We took off running, laughing as the Sisters told us to slow down. No more pain in the chest, just a warm, fuzzy feeling.
The sun, shining brightly through the windows, lit up the corridor in a vivid, yellow-ish hue.
Through the warmth of that summer day, a chill made its way up my spine, locking me in place right in front of the dining room’s door.
My breath sped up, like it was running a marathon.
?Are you okay?? Leo asked, noticing my tension.
The more I looked at the tall wooden door, the more it looked like it was about to bury me under its weight.
But it was still there, safely in place. It wasn’t going to fall on me, no matter how much my mind told me it would.
?…Just a little tummy ache? I answered, holding my stomach that was rumbling.
I glanced anxiously at the ominous door, like a convict looking at the executioner.
Cold sweat dropped down my forehead, wetting my lips in its saltiness.
One look to Leo, then back to the door. It hadn’t moved an inch.
Steps were coming towards me. Two pairs.
My eyes were still fixed to the malicious door, when a drape of candid white cloth entered my peripheral vision.
I flinched, but my body moved too slowly. He grabbed my hand.
?Leo told me you are feeling unwell.? His mouth curled in a smile, but his eyes didn’t seem to follow.
I nodded, looking into the two small fissures his eyes had formed.
?M-Maybe going to the bathroom will solve this? I proposed, with a shaky voice.
?If you say so. Let’s try? He replied.
Entering the bathroom door, the silence of the tiled walls managed to calm me down.
A tap was leaking… I needed to tell the Brothers later.
The… Bro-thers? Yeah… that was what we called them.
My brain felt like it was cooling down.
I was finally able to recollect my thoughts in peace: my name was Elias, and I was sure that this orphanage was no stranger place to me.
I lived here.. didn’t I?
The image of the ominous door still popped in front of my eyes as the memories flowed back, like a paper poster waving in the wind.
Bigger and bigger. Every. Single. Time.
Come on! It was just a door! A big, wooden door. What was all of the tension about?
As I tried harder to remember, an overwhelming sense of pain struck my head, like a needle inserted in my brain.
I bent over the toilet, feeling my stomach rumbling even more violently.
My mind went silent for a second, leaving me staring at the toilet seat.
The moment I regained my self-consciousness, I was more than relieved from my worries.
My name was Elias. I was probably… Over ten?
I started counting on my fingers, losing track of the numbers every time two hands weren’t enough.
Most importantly, I lived here, in the Saint Tobias Orphanage.
All of the thoughts that had previously crossed my mind vanished, like a dream I wasn’t supposed to have.
I was home. I was safe.
?Elias? Are you okay?? The white-robed man slightly opened the door to peek.
I dried my hand with a paper towel and tossed it in the bin.
?Yes! I’m good, Brother Matthias!? I raised my hand in the air and smiled at him.
My head was feeling much lighter: maybe I really just needed a release, and that was why I was feeling so weird.
The white-robed man brought me to the dining room with the other children, who had just started eating.
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My feet felt hotter. I must’ve been on my knees for quite some time in that bathroom.
Passing through the entrance, which seemed so haunting to me earlier, was a rather easy feat.
The smell of delicious food coming from inside invited me in like an open hand.
Leo smiled at me as I sat beside him.
?Then, I'll let you children eat your lunches? The man that accompanied me waved at us, going to the adults’ table.
?Thanks, Brother Matthias!? I answered, waving back with a smile.
My thoughts became more and more linear as food arrived at our table.
Everything seemed so tasty… I loved the Sisters’ cooking!
Eating, playing, running and napping: that was pretty much everything I could think of. And that was how it was supposed to be.
Leo and I were going to play a new game later that day, and I was dying to know what that game was.
Between a spoonful of mashed potatoes and the other, I glanced at my best friend: what amazing game was in that golden-stranded head of his?
He was waiting for me, kicking his feet under the table and looking almost as impatient as I was.
Just as I was about to clean up my plate, something heavy dropped on the ground.
As the mass of little heads moved, little shaky legs appeared a few meters on my right.
They moved left and right, up and down, then they kicked like a mad horse’s.
Was that some kind of game?
The Sisters quickly made their way through the wall of children, telling everyone to sit in their place, in a worried tone.
Some of the kids gasped, others retracted to let the Sisters through. Disgusted looks across all of their faces.
The shaky legs didn’t seem to stop, despite the Sisters sprinting towards them.
That’s when I saw it: his mouth was foaming.
Sister Judy took out a tissue and put it in his mouth, while steadily holding him to the ground.
His eyes, for what I could see, seemed like those of dead fish. No light. No intent.
The seizures decreased.
“God! Thankfully.” I breathed out.
The body was still pulsating, but most of the tremors were gone, and mine were also starting to calm down. I was o-
Just when I thought it was over, they started again.
“You need out of here” I thought, my feet unconsciously moving towards the exit.
I turned my head to follow where I was going, noticing the crowd behind me.
Everyone was looking at the scene, but hardly anyone seemed worried for him.
Leo stood beside me, the only one who expressed terror and worry.
The Brothers gathered around us and quickly got us out.
?We will take care of your friend. Please go to the courtyard and leave it to us.? Brother Matthias said, as he shut the giant door.
“Friend, huh?” I thought, remembering that child as nothing more than a detail in the background.
I didn’t know his name, but I knew for a fact that he was one of the few kids who barely hung out with anybody in the orphanage.
He had a couple friends, as I recalled, who were almost as invisible as he was.
None of them had ever spoken to me, neither had I interacted with them.
The rays of the sun hit me on the face as I crossed the door to the front yard.
My worry for the fate of that child disappeared, but the same couldn’t be said for Leo.
?We should stay close to the dining room.? He said, looking at said room’s tall windows, now covered by long grey curtains.
?The Brothers and Sisters will take care of him.? I echoed Brother Matthias’ words.
?B-But!? Leo was about to say something when one of the two friends of the sick kid, a gloomy kid with a corvine bun of hair tied on the back of his head, bumped into him.
?S-Sorry..? He mumbled, while still walking straight towards who knows what.
?See? His friend isn’t worried! He will be alright with the Sisters? I said, pointing to the gloomy kid.
?You say so? I'm not-? Replied Leo, looking at the gloomy kid like he wanted to study him.
?Come on! We won’t have any time to play at this rate!? I cried, stomping my feet on the ground.
?Okay, okay. You won, Elias?
Seconding my request, Leo started explaining the new game: it was pretty much like catch but we would be monster hunters, looking around for the monsters hiding and catching them to study them.
We went around and asked the other kids to join us, then we divided into a smaller group: the hunters, and a larger group: the monsters.
While we were having a blast playing the new game with the others, my eyes met that of the gloomy kid’s several times.
He wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were fixed on Leo, watching his every move.
... What did he want from us?
After a couple rounds of this new game, which we called “Hunters”, Leo asked him to join us, only for the invitation to be declined.
The sun was still up, but it was time for the afternoon prayer.
A Sister came to gather us, and we all went to the chapel to show our devotion to our God.
Opening the door, we were presented with the usual crucifix, made out of several shards of wood, put together in a twisted cross that looked like it was missing several chunks.
That was exactly like it was meant to be. That was the cross of our God.
The missing chunks, the twistedness: it was all intentional.
We gathered on the benches, kneeling to offer our prayers to our God. “May you keep our hearts pure, my God” we sang in unison, almost as if we were one.
The Sister was kneeling in front of the cross, head bent while chanting the prayer.
Looking around, my feelings got mixed: on one side, I felt a deep connection with the others, but that same connection felt ominous, almost as if we were being forced into synchronization.
A hand grabbed my face, turning it towards my right.
Leo's serious gaze was telling me to turn my attention towards the prayer.
No sound out of his mouth, but the message was as clear as day.
At the end of the long chant, we all got up and left simultaneously.
Walking in line, like a group of little soldiers, we passed under the connecting arches of those neverending corridors.
The “recreational room”, where all our activities were led when outside was getting dark, was just in front of us.
All of us swarmed in, dispersing our perfectly symmetrical lines as soon as we entered.
?He’s not here..? Said Leo, approaching me from behind like a shadow.
His eyes shifted left and right, scanning the room to spot that kid.
?.. Should we ask the Brothers?? I suggested, instinctively.
Leo shook his head.
?…No. They said we have to trust them.? His eyes moved to the Brothers like he was trying to read into their minds.
The gloomy kid approached one of them. In a few exchanges, the conversation got heated:
?I told you: your friend is currently being visited!? Shouted one of the Brothers at him.
?Then why can I not see him?!? He screamed back, tears barely holding back.
The room got silent: all of the kids were looking at them arguing.
?Because you would be a distraction. Now go back to playing with your friends? Answered Brother Matthias, calmly.
The angry Brother was still eyeing the gloomy kid, while a scary expression surfaced on his scarred face.
?B-But I really just want to see him? The kid cried.
Leo took a step to intervene, but froze right away, as the massive size of the angry Brother stood up from the chair.
?Kids should be taught to behave!?He shouted, raising his hand to strike.
Brother Matthias blocked him by the wrist.
?Children shouldn’t be taught with the hands, Brother Julius? He said firmly, staring at his companion.
?As much as I hate it, we need to do something about your temper too. You will spend the night in the Chamber of silence, and will skip dinner.? He told the kid, with his normal, calm voice.
?B-But I just wanted to see my friend!? He shouted, like he was protesting against some injustice.
?I know, but good kids must know when to stop insisting? Brother Matthias answered, taking the child from the wrist and bringing him to the chamber.
Everyone in the room got back to their normal activities, as if nothing really happened.
“Serves him right” someone mumbled in the crowd. Other kids hummed.
Leo, however, sat down on the floor, holding his head against the palm of his hand, like he was deep in his thoughts.
?We are going to bring him something to eat, later? He whispered to me, implying he needed my help.
I nodded, although I felt like going against Brother Matthias’ decision was wrong… and dangerous.
Dinner time came, and Brother Matthias brought us to the dining room.
I looked around, but no one seemed to join us.
Even after all that time, the kid that fainted hadn’t come back. He needed to rest, perhaps?
That day, we had cutlet and veggies for dinner. The light smell of frying oil coming out of the kitchen was making my belly roar in anticipation.
Leo turned to me, whispering in my ear:
?I cut part of mine and you cut part of yours, then we use a handkerchief to wrap it and bring it outside.?
The handkerchiefs were made out of paper, so no one would’ve noticed if one or two were missing.
I proceeded to cut mine at about half. Looking over at his plate, I saw Leo packing a huge piece of his cutlet.
?Are you sure?? I asked, knowing he would be hungry after eating so little.
?Yeah, I’m not hungry anyway.? He said, looking at the small piece left in his plate.
The boiled vegetables served with the cutlet were too soft to pack, and would have inevitably mushed together with the paper, making a mess out of the packaging.
I thought I'd just leave them out, but Leo had a different opinion:
?Stuff this piece of bread with the veggies, if you can.? He whispered, handing me the piece of bread.
I proceeded to put some of my vegetables in there and put the other half of the bread on top, sealing that unusual sandwich.
Just as I was about to open the paper packaging, I spotted Brother Matthias coming towards us.
The thought of letting him find us out before things got too dangerous crossed my mind more than once in those seconds.
Leo was a nice person, but that kid surely wasn’t going to die for not eating dinner once. My best friend’s confidence in me, though, was surely going to be damaged.
“Is that what you want? Do you want to betray him again?” A voice whispered to my mind.
I instinctively lifted my shirt, and hid the whole meal underneath it.
A few seconds later, he reached us:
?Are you feeling okay now, Elias?? He asked, pulling down the white hood of the robe to reveal his short, white hair.
?Y-Yes, thank you.? I answered, trying not to make it obvious that I was hiding something.
?Are you sure?? He insisted, looking at me with his blue eyes.
?I'm sure.?
?He probably ate too much this morning, Brother.? Intervened Leo, giving me time to calm my shaking hands.
?Yeah, you are probably right... Well, just wanted to check on you. I’ll go back to my meal now? He smiled at us and left.
I finally breathed out and finished packing the food I had hidden.
Leo put a hand on my shoulder and thanked me for covering it all up.
The adults rang the bell, inviting us to go to our rooms and get ready for bed.
?After the night guard leaves, we need to hurry and bring the food to the chamber of silence.? Leo said, anxiously looking at the clock.
I took out a book to distract myself with.
The clock seemed like it had slowed down.
?TiME to sLEep, chilDREN! Lights OFF? Shouted the night guard, with his distinctive mix of high and low tones that imitated burps.
What could his face had been like?
We had theorised with the other kids that he was old and chubby, but none of us could ever confirm it.
He patrolled the corridors, passing twice in front of each door before heading to his spot at the entrance. The next morning, he’d just disappear.
The sound of something being dragged on the floor intensified, followed by slow, heavy steps.
He knocked twice on our door, which meant he knew we were in bed and ready to venture in our dreams.
Soon enough, the knocking stopped.
Leo and I went to the door, pressing our ears against the wood to make out what was happening outside.
The sound of footsteps made it clear that the night guard had gone to its spot: It was time to sneak out.
The door of our room opened with a creaking sound- much louder than it should’ve been, like every sound was at night.
We made sure to walk as soundlessly as cats, and slowly made our way towards the chamber of silence.
We all knew where it was, but it was the first time we’d actually seen it being used.
When we got there, we had to face a new problem: the only opening there was was too high for either of us to reach.
?On my shoulders.? Leo whispered.
I hesitated: was it really alright to do this? What if we got caught? Would they punish us for sneaking some food?
?Come on!? He urged me.
I took all the courage I had, and climbed on his shoulders, reaching the small opening that was meant to watch over the prisoner of the chamber.
The iron door was cold to the touch, but I endured the unpleasant feeling and lifted the plate covering the opening, sending the food down to the floor.
?I didn’t expect you, of all people, to come? Said a voice from inside.
The gloomy kid locked eyes with me.
?Huh? What do you mean?? I replied, staring at the two amethysts he had for eyes.
?Well, to be fair, I didn’t expect someone to come, at all.?
He opened the paper packaging and took out the food we brought him.
?I heard someone else: is Leo with you?? He asked, while stuffing the cutlet in the unusual sandwich.
?You remember my name?? Leo asked, breathing heavily from the fatigue keeping all my weight on his shoulders was causing.
?Of course I do: you asked me to play with all of you many times.? He replied, taking pauses in between the words to take bites of the sandwich.
I got off of Leo’s shoulders, and we both sat in front of the iron door. The fear of getting caught was getting much stronger as seconds passed.
?We should head back.? I suggested. After all, our job was done.
?Yeah, you are right.? Leo stood up, cleaning his pants from the dust caught from the floor.
As we were about to leave, the kid called to us.
?Wait. Why did you disobey the Brother?? He asked.
I stood silent. It wasn’t me who chose to help him.
To be fair, I also thought of telling on them. I had no right to answer.
?It’s not right.. I just felt what they did wasn’t right. ? Leo answered, in a serious tone.
?As expected of you. I’m Maxwell, but you both can call me Max.? He said, then slid the paper wrapping underneath the door.
?Take this with you. Can’t have this on me tomorrow. Goodnight.?
We quietly got back to our room, shutting the creaking door behind us with our sweaty palms.
Sitting on my bed, I could finally draw some breath.
