I feel her warmth across my skin, a tender, gentle touch dignified and elegant, a touch of a woman, bonded by coincidence and alcohol lead us into a hook up. The sounds of pleasure come out of her mouth as she enjoys my body.

  I don’t get it, how can you enjoy having sex with an inferior being like me? Aren’t I disgusting?

  It doesn’t seem like they see me in any particular way. I am still human to them, on an equal footing. Hard to believe they still are able to see me as so.

  My eyes don’t leave the sight of her eyes even in such intense moments that are occurring around me, my heart isn’t beating quickly either, I am an object facing a reality.

  Her perfume is intoxicating and the air brings me disgust since I have to smell my own stench. I didn’t necessarily reek, wearing perfume and deodorant might even make my odour to be pleasant for her but it disgusted me, having to use such things to make myself seem better and deceive others through such masking isn’t something I like to do.

  Her erotic sounds are something I ignored since I couldn’t stop looking at the wall behind, moldy and filthy from all the one night stands before us, with it’s lack of maintenance and care that a human wouldn’t give it, the room definitely seemed disgusting, but for me, it still seemed more superior compared to the being that I am becoming.

  While filling my head with such things, with such thoughts, I was losing track of the sound of an inanimate exchange between a body and someone else’s whole being. Through the act of closing my eyes I hoped it wouldn’t end for her, but it would stop me from thinking about it.

  Maybe if I don’t recognize it I will be able to forget about it and lose myself away from her presence.

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  I don’t know much any more, I lost myself in a sound quite literally impossible for me to describe at the moment without making it seem fantastic and impossible.

  I didn’t notice when she had finished using my body, I didn’t notice when I stopped giving her my body without the soul inside of it, I guess that is a one night stand, a hook up, a carnal raw desire created out of lust that has driven us both to act accordingly.

  The encounter was brief in my mind as I blanked out through most of the sex, letting her lead my body according to her tastes. But even if for me was brief, for her it was quite the amount of hours.

  When I opened my eyes it didn’t take me long to realize a few hours had passed and she was getting ready to leave, using my shirt she was covering her naked body loosely, maybe even just pretending to cover herself to make things more meaningful for us, we both knew, this was a one sided thing that didn’t include me, but only my body.

  “Do you smoke?” she asked while pulling out a pack of cigarettes from her bag, her nails lost some polish through the sheets and they seem scratched.

  “I don’t.” I thought I said it out loud for her to hear, but in the end, I only sat in silence shaking my head from side to side slowly.

  “Why don’t you try it, you seem like you would need a puff or two.”

  “I don’t think I would want to put a temporary pleasure forced onto me by chemicals just to be more miserable afterwards.” I replied, but I don’t know how my expression seemed like in her eyes.

  “Then what was this time between us for you?”

  “Someone else’s escape, and failure of mine” was my reply. I am sure that was for me, but now I wonder if I lied saying I failed to escape, I probably never wanted to escape my misery in the first place. And the comment on her escape, it was quite rude, I can’t know what she thinks, I didn’t consider it at the moment, and I won't be able to understand now either.

  "My escape and not yours." she replied. "From what would we try to escape?"

  I look unconsciously with my eyes towards her body, my eyes blank and unmoving as I think over her words. "From our stiffness." I finally reply. "Not everyone has fears, not everyone has responsibility, not everyone has a person to run away from, we would only escape from whatever makes us stiff and unmoving."

  She looks over at me and thinks at my words. "Then what makes you stiff?" she asks imprudently.

  I stay silent for a bit not sure what to say. "I think, my own existence makes me stiff."

  "Then are you gonna change yourself?"

  "Yes." was my last word.

  I couldn't do anything but make a small bow towards her as my good bye.

  The first thing I did after coming out of the motel was going in the back of an alley, hidden in it’s shadows so I would be able to puke.

  It was not a headache caused by alcohol, but a disgust of having contaminated a woman with these filthy, unworthy hands of mine.

  It feels awful. I want to forget this feeling quickly.