Chapter ??: The Cook's Quest
[Marcus]
Level 37 Ship's Cook
Current Status: Flour covered
Current Objective: Prepare breakfast
Marcus felt the familiar tingle of his [Danger Sense] skill activating as he measured flour for the morning's bread. The skill had saved his life numerous times during his thirty-seven years at sea, warning him of everything from pirates to spoiled fish.
Today, it was practically screaming.
[Threat detected: Moderate to Catastrophic depending on sugar intake]
"Two days," he muttered, his [Dough Whispering] skill automatically adjusting the flour-to-water ratio to compensate for the humidity. "Two days until Port Sallow, and she's probably going to blow us all up before we get there." The source of his skill activation was currently sprawled across his galley table, snoring into what appeared to be alchemical notes. White hair stuck out in all directions like a frightened sea urchin.
[Thristle]
Level ?? Alchemical Disaster
Current Status: Sleep-Deprived
Options:
1. Gently wake the sleeping alchemist [Succes Rate: 40%]
2. Loudly bang pots together [Succes Rate: 100%, Relationship: -3, Disaster Probability: 75%]
3. Ignore and work around [Disaster Probability: 37%]
"Oi," Marcus attempted, keeping his voice reasonably civil. The Jumpy One continued snoring, completely oblivious. A vial of green liquid rolled dangerously closer to the edge.
Options:
1. Increase volume but maintain politeness [Succes Rate: 65%]
2. Employ wooden spoon as poking weapon [Succes Rate: 85%]
3. Slam a cookbook nearby [Succes Rate: 100%, Relationship: -3, Disaster Probability: 75%]
"Oi!" Marcus prodded the sleeping form with his trusty wooden spoon +2 (seasoned oak, grants +2 to all cooking checks). "This isn't a bedroom, it's a place of culinary respect."
The Jumpy One shot upright with such violence that papers went flying like a flock of startled seagulls. Several knocked into vials, creating a small domino effect of clinking glass. His [Danger Sense] skill triggered, automatically causing him to step back three steps. Green eyes blinked owlishly, momentarily unfocused before recognition dawned.
"Marcus! Perfect timing!" Not even awake for three seconds and already reaching for dangerous-looking vials. "I've been working on a concentration stabilizer that might help with your bread rising issue!"
Marcus rolls an Insight check. He recognizes this "help" for the danger it truly is.
Options:
1. Accept assistance [Relationship: +1,Succes Rate: 90%, Disaster Probability: 75%]
2. Politely decline [Relationship: -1]
3. Hide all breakable kitchen equipment immediately [Relationship: -2]
3. Flee immediately [Relationship: -2, Disaster Probability: 90%]
"My bread rises just fine without alchemical assistance, thank you very much," Marcus replied
"But this one's completely stable," The Jumpy One insisted, uncorking something that smelled like a cross between overripe cheese and low tide. "I tested it on those muffins yesterday and they were fine!"
The Jumpy One rolls a Deception check.
"Those were meant to be dinner rolls." Marcus replied.
Awkward silence fills the room.
[Danger Sense] Roll for initiative...
The galley door swung open with the precision that always sent sailors scrambling to look busy. Even inanimate objects seemed to straighten themselves when Not-maid entered a room.
[Seraphina Dustrose] Level ?? Battle Maid
Special Equipment: Knife +3 (concealed), Apron of Perfect Pressing +4
Current Status with Thristle: It's Complicated
Her uniform remained impossibly pristine despite the rolling sea, not a wrinkle daring to form beneath her terrifying gaze. How she maintained that level of starch in the collar during a sea voyage might have been the eighth wonder of the world.
Marcus rolls a Will save vs. Intimidation. Success! His years at sea have hardened him against intimidation.
"There you are," she addressed The Jumpy One with a tone that mixed relief and annoyance in equal measure. "I've been looking everywhere."
Marcus rolls Insight. Subtext Translation: I was worried about you but would rather eat rusty nails than admit it.
Marcus's eyebrows rose slightly as he observed the subtle softening around Not-maid eyes when she looked at The Jumpy One. The cook had seen that exact expression on sailors approaching home port after months at sea – a particular blend of relief, joy, and carefully restrained longing.
"Seraphina!" The Jumpy One brightened. Her [Charisma] stat temporarily increasing by +5 despite her disheveled appearance. Then immediately tried to hide whatever noxious concoction was now bubbling ominously on the table. "I was just... consultation with Marcus about... food science?"
The Jumpy One rolls Deception. Critical Failure.
Options:
1. Expose the deception immediately [Relationship with The Jumpy One: -3, Relationship with Not-maid: -1]
2. Maintain silent, judgmental eye contact [Relationship with The Jumpy One: -1]
3. Focus on kneading dough while eavesdropping
Not-maid's eyes flicked to the green substance now eating through Marcus's second-best serving spoon. One perfectly shaped eyebrow rose approximately three millimeters – her equivalent of screaming in horror.
The Not-maid rolls Self-Control. Successful.
"Indeed," she replied with impressive restraint. "Perhaps you could continue your... consultation... after reviewing the port approach documents?"
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
Marcus busied himself with kneading dough, activating his [Invisible Cook] passive skill that caused people to forget his presence during conversations.
"Port approach?" The Jumpy One's voice rose half an octave. "We're not due at Port Sallow for two more days, at least!"
"The ship has increased speed by taking advantage of favorable currents," Not-maid replied.
[Danger Sense] Roll for initiative…
[Danger Sense] Roll for Perception check...
[Danger Sense] Roll for Will save…
[Danger Sense] Roll for initiative…
A sound like wet cloth being dragged across stone announced the arrival of the third member of this particular catastrophe triumvirate. Through the galley door oozed The Blue Menace, its gelatinous form somehow conveying eagerness despite lacking any recognizable facial features.
[Vesper]
[Level ???: Slime - Anomalous]
[THREAT ASSESSMENT: VARIABLE - DEPENDENT ON MOOD AND HONEY LEVELS]
[Special Equipment: Slime-self, Varius trinkets, Marcus stolen ladle]
The massive slime flowed into the room with the confidence of a creature who believed itself completely normal, despite being several hundred pounds of semi-transparent goo housing what appeared to be a bear skull, various metal scraps, and what Marcus recognized as his missing copper ladle.
"Vesper!" The Jumpy One called out with evident relief. "Perfect timing! We need to prepare for Port Sallow. It's tomorrow, apparently, which means we need to—"
The Blue Menace rippled its surface in a way that somehow conveyed complete disinterest in whatever panic was brewing. Instead, it oozed directly toward Marcus, forming what could only be described as a politely inquiring tendril.
Options:
1. Provide honey immediately [Relationship: The Blue Menace +3, Kitchen Resources -1]
2. Enforce breakfast rules [Relationship: The Blue Menace -1, Authority +2]
3. Negotiate for return of kitchen implements [Relationship: The Blue Menace +0, Kitchen Resources +1]
"No," Marcus said firmly, pointing his flour-covered rolling pin at the quivering mass. "No honey until after proper breakfast. We've discussed this."
The Blue Menace rolls Charisma.
The slime rippled in what was unmistakably a sigh, then formed another tendril that pointed with surprising precision at the bubbling disaster on the table, then back at The Jumpy One, then made a sweeping motion that Marcus interpreted as 'Clean this up.'
"I was handling it!" The Jumpy One protested.
The Jumpy One rolls Persuasion. Critical Failure!
The Blue Menace must choose an action:
1. Respect Thristle's claimed competence [Disaster Probability: 98%]
2. Neutralize the chemical disaster [Chemistry Skill Check Required]
3. Attempt honey theft [Stealth Check Required]
The Blue Menace's surface patterns suggested profound skepticism. It flowed toward the spilled chemicals, careful tendrils separating volatile components before they could react further. With methodical precision, it neutralized the smoking mixture, absorbed the hazardous remnants, and even wiped down the table surface.
"Thank you, Vesper," Not-maid nodded with approval. "At least someone understands proper protocols."
Relationship Update: Not-maid → The Blue Menace +2
The slime rippled in what almost looked like a bow, then extended a tendril toward Marcus's honey pot with unmistakable expectation.
The Blue Menace rolls Persuasion.
Options for Marcus:
1. Maintain boundaries despite good behavior [Relationship: The Blue Menace -2, Relationship: The Jumpy One -1]
2. Reward responsibility with honey [Relationship: The Blue Menace +2]
3. Offer alternative treat instead [Relationship: The Blue Menace +1]
Marcus found himself handing over a honey-coated spoon before he'd fully processed the request. "At least one of you has manners," he muttered, watching as the gelatinous creature delicately absorbed the treat without spilling a drop.
The Jumpy One gaped. "You're taking his side? After he stole your copper pot yesterday?"
Marcus rolls Will save…
"Returned it this morning, polished to a shine," Marcus confirmed, nodding to where the pot now hung, gleaming suspiciously bright on its hook. "Unlike some, who still owe me three wooden spoons and a ceramic mixing bowl from that 'guaranteed non-reactive' cleaning solution last week."
[The Jumpy One takes 5 Emotional Damage]
The Blue Menace's surface rippled with patterns that looked suspiciously like smugness.
Marcus rolls Hidden Insight. Critical Success!
Marcus suddenly realizes The Blue Menace has been attempting to bring The Jumpy One and Not-maid together romantically through various subtle manipulations.
"Betrayed by my own slime," The Jumpy One muttered, stuffing papers back into a worn satchel. "And now Port Sallow tomorrow...."
Options for The Blue Menace:
1. Ignore romantic tension [Mission Success Probability: +5%]
2. Create "accidental" physical contact [Matchmaking +3, Dexterity Check Required]
3. Dramatic intervention [Relationship Progress +5, Subtlety -10, Mission Success -15%]
The Blue Menace extended a tendril that bumped Not-maid fractionally closer to The Jumpy One while simultaneously poking The Jumpy One.
Both targets roll Awareness. Double Critical Failure!
Neither of them seemed to notice, still locked in their usual dance of professional distance punctuated by moments of almost-intimacy that never quite bridged the gap.
"Right, right. Plans. Protocols." The Jumpy One was practically vibrating with nervous energy [Status Effect: Anxiety +75%]. "Because I'm so good at those."
The Blue Menace's surface rippled in what looked suspiciously like exasperation. It flowed between them, somehow managing to nudge them even closer together while pretending to examine the remaining papers on the table.
"Perhaps we should review the approach in my quarters," Not-maid suggested, her tone perfectly professional despite the flush still visible along her neckline. "Where we won't disturb Marcus's important work."
[Potential Romantic Encounter Chance: 15%]
Options for The Jumpy One:
1. Recognize invitation subtext [Relationship Progress +10, Requires Perception roll]
2. Focus exclusively on mission [Relationship Progress -5, Mission Success +10%]
3. Panic about Port Sallow [Anxiety +25%, Relationship Progress -10]
The Jumpy One, apparently oblivious to both the blush and the thinly-veiled opportunity, was already backing toward the door. "Good idea! I need to check my formulas anyway. Making sure nothing explodes before we reach port."
Romantic Encounter Chance: Reduced to 2%, The Blue Menace Status Effect: Frustration +50%
The Blue Menace's surface darkened slightly - the slime equivalent of an eye-roll, Marcus assumed. It formed a tendril that gave Not-maid a gentle push toward The Jumpy One, its surface patterns somehow conveying both encouragement and 'just get on with it already.'
The Not-maid's composure cracked just enough to reveal a flash of genuine emotion - frustration, longing, and resigned acceptance all mingled in a single unguarded moment. Then the perfect mask slid back into place.
"We should proceed promptly," she stated, her voice carrying none of the emotion that had briefly surfaced. "There are numerous preparations required before our arrival."
Marcus rolls Wisdom check: Critical Success! He achieves perfect clarity about the situation.
As the strange trio departed - The Jumpy One still clutching scattered papers and muttering about boring documentation [Anxiety: 95%], Not-maid maintaining perfect posture despite the ship's roll [Composure: 98%], and The Blue Menace flowing behind them with what looked suspiciously like parental exasperation [Fatigue: 75%] - Marcus shook his head slowly.
Options for Marcus:
1. Return to breakfast preparation [Quest Progress +5%]
2. Consider ways to help the romantic situation [New Side Quest Available]
3. Prepare for Port Sallow [Survival +15%]
"World's gone properly mad," he concluded, returning to his kneading with renewed vigor, "when the giant blob of sentient pudding is the most reasonable one on board, and the only one with enough sense to see what's happening right in front of everyone's noses."
[Quest Updated: Survive Morning Kitchen Chaos!]
[Reward: Continued existence, +1 Insight, +2 Patience]
[Achievement Unlocked: Witness "The Blue Menace's Matchmaking Attempt #27"]
[New Quest Available: Prepare for Port Sallow Approach]
[APRIL FOOLS SIMULATION COMPLETE]
[RETURNING TO NORMAL NARRATIVE MODE…]
