Despite their weariness Lefty and Ol Blu followed the poop monster, letting it lead them through the dark, twisting, sewage filled passages that had once been Perfectum. They probably should have turned back after what happened, but the prospect of a guide was too tempting to resist. Who knew if this creature would still be here if they returned, or if it would remain helpful. They had to take this opportunity while they could, regardless of the risks.

  So, for more than an hour, they walked along in near silence. You might think they covered a lot of ground in that time, but the extreme slowness of their guide ensured that they didn't. The monstrous mass crawled along at a snail's pace, gliding over the muck covered floors with a gentle, lumbering stride… which was probably for the best, given how exhausted Lefty was. His brief battle with the monster had not only left him physically drained, but mentally as well. Oh he had seemed fine at first… but now that he had time to really think about what had happened, he walked along in solemn silence, his eyes troubled as he considered his brush with death.

  Though his adventures had nearly killed him several times already, this experience was different. Usually his body stopped complaining once it was clear he had survived. His muscles may have shouted obscenities when he jumped from The Food Tabernacle, but they calmed down as soon as he landed in the water. His lungs had cursed his name whenever he swam through Lake Allende, but they always forgave him once he came up for air. This time however… they didn’t let it go. They kept reminding him how it had felt, to be stuck under the crushing weight of so much sewage, to be trapped in total darkness, and suffocated until his sight dimmed and his head spun. He tried to move on and focus on the task ahead, but his brain kept taking him back to that helpless moment, making him re-live it again and again. The memory made him shudder and grit his teeth.

  Ol Blu could sense that his friend was contemplating his own mortality, and so he remained quiet as well, content to let the young man sort through his feelings. As awful as it sounds, he was almost relieved to see his friend actually reflecting on his mistakes, and acknowledging the fragility of his own life. The old kicken hoped that, perhaps this time, Lefty would learn some caution. As much as he liked the lad and admired his bravery, it clearly pushed the line into recklessness. That aspect of his personality would get him killed eventually, if he didn’t reign it in a little.

  And so they marched on, lost in their thoughts as they listened to the ambient sewer sounds around them… and also the poop monster. It didn’t speak or anything, but it made a gross wet squishing sound as it moved. This might have been funnier in a different context, but by now Lefty and Ol Blu were beyond laughing at toilet humor.

  Eventually, after several twists and turns, the creature led them to a hallway that was actually dry. Lefty’s Squid Shoes stepped out of the muck and onto a dusty surface for the first time since they had entered Perfectum. Not long after that, the introspective portion of their walk came to an end. It was Ol Blu who spotted it first; something moving in the hallway ahead.

  “Hey.” He said in half whisper, tapping his foot on Lefty's head. “Be on guard lad, I think I saw another monster duck into that doorway up ahead.”

  His words snapped Lefty out of his funk. The young man instinctively reached for the feathers on his back, before remembering that they were useless against the living waste. For a second he clenched his fists in frustration… then took a deep breath and let the tension leave him. If fighting wouldn’t work… then he’d be cautious. He didn’t like this approach, but he was beginning to learn that the things he did like were hazardous to his health. So he slowed down his already slow pace, and began creeping through the tunnel as silently as he could. Ol Blu smiled.

  The doorway in question was on their right, and so Lefty moved to the opposite side of the tunnel, turning so that his back was to the wall. He focused his eyes on the opening as they approached, keeping as much distance between himself and it as possible. As they neared the doorway, he couched slightly, preparing to bolt down the hallway if need be. One hand even came up to rest on top of Ol Blu, holding the kicken to his head like a flimsy hat in the wind. That way he wouldn’t lose his friend again, if he suddenly broke into a sprint.

  When they finally peered inside the opening however, the pair saw something neither of them was expecting. Inside the doorway were the remains of a large furnished room. Tables, shelves, chairs, and even a bed were arranged neatly; and though they were old, crumbling, and covered with sludge like everything else in the sewers, there seemed to have been some attempt to keep them clean and preserved. Stranger still was the room's sole occupant. It was indeed another member of the living waste, but it was nothing like the huge lumbering thing that continued to walk down the tunnel. This one was small and short, only about half Lefty’s height and far less humanoid in shape… even if its actions were far more human.

  Physically it resembled a simple mound of sludge. It lacked a clearly defined head, torso, or even legs. Its only defining feature was a pair of tendril-like arms that sprouted from either side of it. The creature could have easily passed for an inanimate pile of brown muck… if not for the way it was moving. The thing was… cowering behind a table, shivering noticeably as it held an old iron chair up in front of it like an improvised shield. It was trying desperately, and pathetically, to hide.

  Lefty and Blu looked on with a combination of confusion and pity. The young human's stance relaxed as he realized: this sludge monster was far more afraid of him, than he was of it.

  “Its scared of us.” said Lefty, stating the obvious.

  “Should we… try and talk to it? Let it know we come in peace?” Ol Blu asked.

  Lefty thought for a moment, a brief shiver running down his spine “No...” He replied.

  “Let it be scared.”

  Ol Blu frowned at his friend’s words… but said nothing. They turned their back on the frightened creature, leaving it behind as they continued following their guide down the hallway.

  It wasn't long after that that the two of them encountered a third monster. This one was roughly Lefty's size, and much more humanoid in appearance. It had a lump which vaguely resembled a head, two floppy arms on either side of its body, and even walked upright on two legs. Or rather, it hobbled on one leg, while dragging an unmoving stump behind it, like an old man with an injured ankle. It was limping along slowly and casually… until it became aware of them. As soon as it spotted the adventurers it too reacted with fear, frantically limping away as quickly as it could. It wasn’t fast by any means, but it still managed to outrun their guide. It turned down a long side tunnel that ran perpendicular to the one they were traveling, and disappeared from sight.

  When Lefty and Blu passed that tunnel a moment later, there was no sign of the limping creature. Instead they spotted a fourth monster, an eerily tall and abnormally thin creature which glared at them from down the hall. Though its face was eyeless and expressionless, something about its stance conveyed anger rather than outright fear. For a few seconds Lefty glared back at the thing, clenching his fists as he sized it up. Though the monster was taller than him, it was far too slender to absorb much of anything. Its entire torso was only as thick as Lefty’s thigh, and it didn’t appear to have any legs at all, its lower body more like a pillar. He might have been able to fight it… but fortunately he didn’t need to. The monster kept its distance, and after a few more unnerving seconds, it turned and slid away in the opposite direction.

  Over the next twenty moments Ol Blu spotted four more sludge creatures of various shapes and sizes. The living waste were oddly dissimilar, having little in common with each other aside from their gooey amorphous flesh. In fact, the only thing they seemed to share was their complete distrust of outsiders, which manifested as outright terror in most cases. Perhaps the strangest thing of all though, was their guide's reaction to all this, or rather it's lack of reaction. The giant monster leading them didn't acknowledge any of its kind as they passed; didn't so much as slow down or even turn its headless shoulders in their direction. The creature simply continued to move towards its goal without regard.

  Likewise, none of the other monsters attempted to communicate with it. At first Ol Blu theorized that perhaps it was their guide that other sludge creatures feared; after all it did seem to be the largest of their kind. But the more reactions he saw, the more obvious it became that wasn't the case. They thought nothing of the lumbering behemoth. It was only once they spotted Lefty behind it that they fled.

  All this strangeness came to a head when their guide finally stopped. It had brought them to an old wooden door that was severely rotted but somehow still standing. Not only was this the first in-tact door they had seen since entering the sewers, but through its cracked frame, a pale blue light could be seen. As if to preempt their obvious question, the creature lifted its arm once more, pointing at the decrepit entryway, indicating that this was their destination.

  Lefty hesitated briefly, looking around to make sure there were no other sludge monsters in the long tunnels behind them, before shrugging, and opening the door.

  The old wood creaked loudly as it moved, startling the room's occupants, and causing one of them to drop a beaker. The sound of shattering glass, in turn, startled Lefty and Ol Blu, who paused in the doorway.

  For a moment… everyone simply stared at each other, too surprised to say or do anything. For the creatures in the room, the nature of this surprise was obvious; they clearly weren't expecting any visitors down here. For Lefty and Ol Blu though, the shock was multitudinous.

  For starters there was the room itself; it was cleaner and more fully furnished than anything they had seen yet. In addition to several shelves and bookcases the place was decked out for the practice of every kind of magic. There was a counter top full of cooking supplies, which held jars of some fermented foodstuff. A small distillery sat in one corner, its pipes dripping with condensation from an unknown brew. There was a table full of beakers and flasks for doing chemistry. And of course a bed, this one made of metal wire wrapped around a rusty frame. All of this was illuminated by a large dream crafted globelight, which sat in the center of the room and gave off a cool blue hue.

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  Of course the room itself, while unexpected, wasn't all that shocking. What really stunned Lefty and Blu, was the disturbing sludge creature staring at them from across that room. It was the most human-like of all the living waste they had seen; and somehow, that made it even more unsettling than the others. Where they had all been squishy amorphous blobs, this one was angular and stiff. Less like a mound of filth, and was like a skeleton covered in it. Its arms were rail thin, and yet they appeared far more sturdy than any of the other creatures. It even had complex hands, with four distinct fingers and a thumb.

  Adding to its unsettling nature was the fact that it wore clothing. It was only a simple gray robe, as old and as dirty as one might expect from something down in this ruined city, but it, along with the organized nature of the room itself, reinforced the fact that they were dealing with a creature of substantial intelligence. This might have been a reassuring quality… if there was any indication that it was friendly… but the hostile way in which it stared at them made it clear that was not the case.

  And that was perhaps the most disturbing thing of all, for it did actually stare at them, glaring with horrible unblinking eyes. Every other sludge monster they encountered had lacked that particular quality, which is not surprising given that the sewers were pitch black. But this one had very human looking eyes. Or rather, it had eyeballs, for there were no lids nor brows. Instead, its skull-like head just hosted two, angry, bloodshot orbs, which starred forward, unmoving and unblinking.

  While Lefty and Ol Blu were still frozen with a combination of shock and revulsion, the sludge with eyes leapt into action, moving with the grace of an old man; still fairly slow, but much faster than any of the other muck monsters. It hurried over to one of the nearby shelves, where it began to frantically search for something, knocking over several objects with its shaking hands before finally grabbing what looked like… a woodwind instrument. It consisted of more than two dozen bronze pipes of different sizes, fused together like a multi-layered pan flute. With a sickening wet plop it promptly shoved the pipes into its face, in the spot where a mouth would normally be. This only made it appear angrier, the instrument forming a metal grimace underneath its bloodshot eyes. As it turned to face Lefty the monster's chest expanded, as if it was taking a deep breath, and then with one hand on the pipes, it began to blow air through them.

  The sound that came out was nearly impossible to describe. It was like someone trying to talk through a series of flutes which were being blown into a puddle of mudd. The pipes themselves had a musical quality to them; they were clearly playing notes… but the sound that came out was not musical in the slightest. It was a cacophony of discordant tones, like several inexperienced musicians all playing at once…. while trying to mimic human speech with their instruments. What the creature actually tried to say was beyond comprehension. Its “voice”, if it can even be called that, came out as a wet unintelligible mess that would have sounded funny… if the scene wasn't so utterly bizarre and unnerving.

  The sludge with eyes gave two distinct blows on its face pipes as it looked frantically between Lefty and Blu… who just stood dumbfounded in the doorway. Lefty raised his hand to make… some kind of gesture. What exactly I'm not sure, but this slight movement provoked the creature into action. It stepped back suddenly and grabbed another object from the shelf, an old and heavily rusted dagger, which it thrust out in front of itself with an unsteady hand. With the blade pointed threateningly at Lefty from across the room, it blew into the pipes again, repeating the same two sounds as before, but slightly less garbled.

  At the sight of a weapon, Lefty instinctively reached for the feather on his back, his stance widening as he prepared for a fight.

  “Lefty wait!” Ol Blu shouted… and to his surprise the lad listened. He might have loved fighting, but he was still covered in crap from his last attempt. He was open to alternatives, though his hand still hovered anxiously near the handle of his weapon.

  “I think it… said something... in the old tongue. It sounded like… stay… back?... I don't think it wants to fight lad. I think it’s just afraid of us, like all the others.” Ol Blu said.

  “Well if it doesn’t want to fight, tell it to put the knife away!” Lefty snapped back, obviously nervous about having a weapon pointed at him.

  Ol Blu did as he was asked, more or less, speaking to the frightened creature slowly and calmly in the language of the ancient humans. He told the skeletal thing that they didn't mean it any harm, that they were simply adventurers, and that the living waste had nothing to fear from them.

  The creature responded with three bursts of wet whistling sounds that Ol Blu could barely understand. “What. Happened. Guardian?” The thing asked, not lowering its dagger as it spoke.

  “Guardian? You mean the big creature? It's right outside the door. W-We didn't harm it. It's the one that led us here.” Ol Blu explained in the old tongue, gesturing behind them with its wing while Lefty stood there nervously, unable to understand their conversation.

  The sludge with eyes turned toward the doorway, letting out three more labored words.

  “Guardian. Kill. Kicken.”

  For a moment Ol Blu was perplexed, thinking that perhaps he had misheard the creature, until suddenly the door behind them creaked open wider. Their guide from before was trying to slowly push its way into the room, reaching its large hand towards Lefty's head, where Ol Blu was sitting.

  This, of course, startled Lefty greatly, who spun around and pulled out his feathers, backing away from the large monster as he tried to keep both it and the dagger wielding sludge in his sights.

  “What's going on Blu?!” Lefty shouted.

  “It was a command...” The kicken said, thinking out loud.

  “What?!” Asked Lefty.

  “Guardian! Stop!” Ol Blu shouted in the old tongue… and to his surprise, the large sludge monster halted in the doorway, freezing in place with its hand still reaching towards Lefty.

  “..It's an automaton... it just does whatever it's told!” Ol Blu said excitedly.

  “Well, tell it to kill that guy then.” Lefty said, wiggling the feather that he had pointed towards the sludge with eyes.

  Ol Blu sighed audibly at the suggestion, but before he could say anything to Lefty, the skeletal creature began to blow into its pipes once more. It managed to get out the word “guardian” before Ol Blu began speaking over it, talking loudly and authoritatively in the old tongue.

  “Guardian! Return at once to where you found us! Go as quickly as you can, and do not stop for any reason! Until this task is completed do not take any new commands or let other commands supersede this one!”

  …

  For half a moment everyone in the room stood still, watching the large lumbering creature to see what it would do. The sludge with eyes, sensing no movement, leaned back to speak again… but before it could, the guardian began to withdraw through the doorway.

  As it lumbered away, the skeletal creature went into a frenzy, desperately playing word after word on its makeshift mouth, shrieking at the automaton in a vain attempt to regain control of the situation.

  “No! Stop! Wait! Negate! Ignore! Kill! Help! Stay!” As it shouted, its words grew more messy and frantic until the strange whistling vocalizations became unintelligible noise once more. Finally the waste with eyes sunk to its knees in defeat. The chorus of muddy flute sounds ceased entirely, replaced by ragged weezing, as the creature beat the floor with its first in frustration.

  …

  “What just happened?!” Lefty blurted out in utter confusion.

  Ol Blu was about to explain, when a loud burbling from across the room suddenly stole everyone's attention. Lefty and his friend realized, for the first time, that there was another poop monster in the room with them.

  They could be excused for having overlooked it initially, for it appeared to be nothing more than a pile of sludge. In sharp contrast to its companion, this creature was the least humanoid thing they had seen. It resembled a couch more than any living thing, with no head or limbs to speak of. It was simply a large mass of filth laying in a corner of the room. There was no reason to suspect it was alive… until it started making noises.

  The noises in question were a kind of loud gurgling which came forth in heaving, hearty bursts. It resembled a sound that all sentient creatures made, something that anyone would recognize, given a moment to listen.

  “Is... is that thing laughing?” Lefty asked as he turned to face the monster in the corner; keeping one feather on the creature with eyes while he pointed the other towards this new potential threat.

  “...Yeah. I think it is laughing...” Responded the kicken.

  The sound grew louder and more pronounced, turning from a chuckle into a deep belly laugh, punctuated by the kind of rude farting noises that you'd expect from a fat pile of laughing fecal matter.

  “Quiet! Fool!” breathed the sludge with eyes from the floor, its whistling speech sounding as exasperated and defeated as it could sound given its nature. The thing in the corner only bellowed louder though, seeming to mock its companion's defeat.

  Slowly, like a tired old man, the sludge with eyes rose to its feet, knees shaking as it leaned against a table for support. It glared at Lefty with its eerie unblinking orbs, the dagger still clenched tightly in its hand. It looked the young man up and down. Its eyes were stationary, but its head movements made it clear exactly what it was doing. It studied Lefty's weapons, analyzing the pair of wide serrated blades… before comparing them to the short rusty dagger it held. With a defeated sigh the monster tossed its dagger onto the floor and dropped its hands in defeat.

  Though the creature had discarded its weapon, Lefty still held his tightly, not trusting anyone at this point. For a second the skeletal sludge rolled its head as if trying to decide something. Then, with eyes looking up at Ol Blu, it brought one of its hands back up to the pipes and carefully breathed out four words in the old tongue.

  “What. Do. You. Want.”

  The kicken sighed in relief. The living waste had capitulated. There would be no fight. Things could continue diplomatically.

  Lefty sighed in frustration, his hands straining with the effort of keeping his weapons held aloft… he still had no idea what was going on.