The last few events from last night, while perfectly captured in my mind. I wish I could not retain as memories. As a vampire we forget nothing. But also, as a vampire I have the ability to replay days in perfect repeat. My ascension ceremony has no use for this ability. Flipping over and laying my chin on my red silk pillow, I watched the snow fall. The whiteness if it all reminding me of The Victorian. Empathy from The Angel of Death? Why is she nothing like they say she is. There are not many stories about her. We do not begin to cover her vastness until the final year of school and even then, not everyone is accepted into the class.

  However, last night I spoke with her. Touched her, and while I refused to let my fear show. I was terrified. It was only when I back in comfort of my own kind did, I realize my body was on edge. Even ascending, her and Godric seem so far ahead of me. Elloren? Not anymore but we are growing apart in other areas of life. If I kill Clarissa will Elloren truly be upset at a sister, she never knew she had? If I kill Clarissa does that mean I do not love Elloren unconditionally? Have I ever? Was I ever supposed to?

  Rolling over on my back and closing my eyes. I replayed Elloren’s short death. Was it shock or love that I felt? Can I let Elloren go if I had to? If I give her her sister, will it be because I love her enough to defy my own nature or because someone else has called me out on the BS I call love? Hell am I truly capable of love? I am the God of the Underground. Can love bloom in my domain?

  Sitting up faster than required, a thought circling back. I am technically a God. Why does Godric and The Victorian feel so far from me? Godric feels like a God in many ways. In his movements, his ability to move through my senses. Have I not ascended to God level yet? Am I a Demigod? I have never met an Angel before, but I can only assume you feel normal around them until you don’t. Do they all feel like the sun, or it is it just her?

  What did she sacrifice so that I may live? Ires? She saved Ires which led to Ires producing a child and that child producing my mother? Could it be as simple as that? Or as complex as that? Ires never spoke of having a lover or a husband or whatever witches call their baby fathers.

  Levitating above my red stone bed, tracing my family’s blood red tear drops carved in the ceiling. I wonder exactly who did Ires procreate with? Come to think of it, Ires and Godric only seem to be on the same page when it comes to me. By saving Ires that night from Mr. Bluestone, The Victorian created a witch. One that could draw from her power. According to Ires.

  What if The Victorian is a different type of God. She must be as old as The Holy Trinities? Where there is life there is death. “When you are as old as we are. Nothing is considered the future." The Holy Trinities did warn me nothing is new to them, why would anything be new to death itself?

  The Victorian created a witch, and she needed to pay her dues in turn leaving Godric alone? How long as he been alone? How much longer will The Victorian be punished? Why must I call her The Victorian? Falling back down on the bed, with a complete lack of grace. I let my mind glide to the bigger issue.

  Mr. Bluestone.

  Last night I managed to speak with Elloren before Godric became impatient to have me to himself for a few moments. She advised me that she will call today with the details of where we would be spending the break with the Bluestones. Her complete confidence in knowing Gabriel would invite us is impressive but not shocking. Even The Victorian was interested enough in Elloren to spend a great deal of the night in her presence.

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

  Hopefully the same goes for Mr. Bluestone. It’s not as if Elloren has never been close to him before. He is only not been close to me. He has never had a reason to be but now. Shit, what would my reason for tagging along be? Elloren held the excuse of not being surrounded by vampires. Although this time the lie might just be the truth. I held no excuse to want to be around the Bluestones. I find Gabriel charming oui. Attractive? Compared to Godric? No one is..but wait. If I bring Godric, then it could be a couple’s thing.

  The Bluestones would most certainly want to entertain a Victorian. And any chance Godric gets to be Godric, he most certainly will. Brillante.

  Flipping the golden locket my parents gifted me last night, my hand sliding down to my chest. While I healed the second after my father pushed my chest in, helplessness still slithered through my body. God of the Underground unable to break the curse between her creator and herself. Not even with my human soul can I escape the rules of vampirism. If I am unable to defy to the rules, how can I possibly be a God? Godric can stop time despite not being the God of Time. Elloren is a Blackgate despite her not having any Blackgate blood in her body. And what can I do? Summon portals and turn into red bats? Get fucking serious. What could Lelieth do? I was too afraid to ask that in front of my mother. Maybe I can research it before I ask my father to revisit one of his past lives.

  Opening the fridge, two vitals of my father’s blood appeared. Concealment magic from one of the witches in our home. My father was never too careful with his blood. Using my telekinesis, one of the vitals floated to my open hand. Anyone could see this blood is different genetically different than any other species of blood in existence. Even our own. My father’s blood appears black but it’s the darkest of royal purples.

  Downing the vial. I decided to save the other one for later. Once the fridge closes the vital would disappear and only reappears if the blood reacted to my blood, thus triggering the concealment magic to remove itself. There was once upon a time drinking my father’s blood tasted like life itself. Now it just reminds me of wanting to taste Godric’s blood.

  Which reminds me. We fought last night. Checking my phone. No new messages. Leaning against the black countertop, I can hear the hail beginning to fall. The last winter storm of the year. Classes are cancelled for the day, in thanks of the celebrations last night. Celebrations I should still technically be celebrating. But Godric. He..he..he is…ughh!!

  He is just so fucking Godric. Marriage? He asked my father for my hand in marriage. I tell him, I am not introducing him to my parents, and he goes and does that? Why? Why is he in such rush to have me tied to him? If only it was as simple as human marriages. We would only need a piece of paper and shared morals, but nothing actually bonding us together. Vampire marriages are different vastly different. Anyone who has been around my parents long enough can see the effects of such bondage. If she dies, he dies an vice versa. No one is excluded from this. All thanks to Ever, “Mother of Earth.”

  Bonded in life and in death. I am not sure where Gods go when they die or if a God like Godric can truly die. As for me, I am going to hell. Will I love Godric enough to want to stay with him in this dimension and hell? We can sleep with other people sure, but I will not be able to bond romantically with anyone else ever. Is Godric worth that? Forever? I know I said the words, but we were talking about a choice then. In marriage there is no choice. He chooses me now, but will he choose me forever? How can he possibly know that he will when he is forced to? What will I take him from? What is he trying to take me from? What can you really offer someone forever?

  Walking back to my room, I let the red silk sheets embrace me once more. This is nice, a morning with my own thoughts and reflections. A moment where I can be unsure without begin afraid to say it. No mask, no bravo, no confidence. I can merely exist in my own shortcoming, failures, fears of mediocrity. Fears of losing not only Elloren, but fear that the pity I feel for her being lost is the same pity I will wake up to one day and find its gaze in my own reflection.

  Sadly, my alone time is coming to an end because I can hear Elloren’s heartbeat coming towards my room. She is excited, scared, lost. But she has come to me. Maybe just maybe we can get back to the way we were and if not, I must find a way to be okay with it. Accept what is and let go of what it is not.