I would need time to process what has happened, if not for the fact I’m merely reflecting on my past self. But something is missing and I need to dig deeper. More parallel processing will be needed, this time my present and past.

  …

  Demi’s head craned beside Balor’s ear. “Hey. Balor. I don’t think she’s into you, might wanna try your psychopath rizz on someone else.” He prodded, flashing Balor a shit eating grin. Startled, Balor’s arm swung around like a spring trap, only to miss Demi completely. “What the,” Balor held his breath for a moment, before the back of Demi’s hand lightly slapped the side of his face. “Come on. We’re getting the fuck out of here. And Lynn, if Claive doesn’t come back to us by tomorrow I’m coming to shoot you in your fat fucking face, sound good?” Demi threatened with an idle nod, before he waved his hand up in the air, and let it fall towards the door. The scourge filed out past him, the door swinging open for them one by one, all of them holding the door for the other as they walked out. Demi was the last one out, and he stood there holding the door for me. “Why are you-” I began, though Demi cut me off. “Don’t be stupid man, just come on. You’re with us now.” He assured me. I walked out the door, one heavy step after another. It lands shut with a digital chime.

  “So, Tedd.” Demi began. I heard a swingy tune in my head, or was it playing outside? The swinging bass like a pendulum, the ambient electronic buzz, the trill of the piano, is this music? Where is it coming from? It makes me feel alive! “I think it’s about time you tell us why we’re alive right now. We all saw what happened at the warehouse.” He asked me with slight hesitation. I could feel the wariness in his voice. He went from seeing me as some lost animal, to a threat, from just one event. I don’t want them to see me as someone who would hurt them. “I don’t know a lot about it myself, Demi. I promise I would tell you if I knew more.”

  “I get a feeling you do, Tedd. Because Balor here told me a couple things. That power of yours, you can use it at will.” Demi pushed. And before I could speak he kept on. “We don’t know what it is, he doesn’t know what it is, you don’t know what it is.. and it killed an entire team of Killjoy operatives, and disintegrated a building.” He said sternly.

  I felt something rising in me that made my blood run hot, and I stopped walking. “Stop right there, Demi. Listen to me.”

  Demi stopped on command and turned to look at me, arms folded sternly over his chest. “I’m listening.”

  I spoke in the words of the one who raised me. “I will only tell you this once. And this goes for you too, Balor. And any of you who think for one reason or another, I am lying or withholding information from you. Do not doubt or question anything I say from this point onward. You are dealing with a supernatural entity. You can die if you step even a millimetre out of line.” I instructed, doing my best to mimic that teacher's voice of his. But I didn’t measure up.

  I took a long, deep breath. “I will be honest and transparent about my power and what it can do, and anything I know about it. But all I know is I can move things around, and… do things.” I stutter.

  Demi’s gaze toward me as I spoke was so sinister I genuinely thought every word I spoke brought me closer to death. “Aight then. Don’t be fucking stupid with it and we’re square. I appreciate the honesty dude, I honestly thought you were about to lose it on me.” Demi replied nonchalantly, then turned and kept walking. And the rest followed, even Balor.

  …

  Of course I know nothing about it. I altered my own memories during the last period. There is no going back from that. Transparent? Really? A message to my former self, how are you going to be transparent with your power if you don’t even understand your own mind?

  …

  “Tedd are you dancing?” Shula observed, barely holding in a giggle. I hadn’t noticed but my arms were swinging in little circles while I walked, and my body was teetering around. “Well- No, I- I don’t, I-” Shula placed a hand over my mouth and started laughing out loud. We stopped walking, and I kept moving without even realising. “That’s gotta be the weirdest dance I’ve ever seen. What’s it called, Iron man?” Demi teases, standing in front of me and leaning down with his usual mocking stature. “I um..”

  Balor cuts in, raising his finger up between us. “Let’s call it the blender.”

  “Yeah, the blender.” Demi agreed, chuckling and turning away from me. But I needed to grab his attention again, so I spoke up. “But those people inside that building. They feel weird, like their nervous systems are all moving slower, their cognitive ability is lagging behind based on their movements, it’s not human.” The scourge proceeded to look at me like I was insane. None of them had words for me except for Balor. “Let me be blunt Tedd, what the fuck are you talkin’ about?” Balor instigated. “That strange compound flowing through their veins. Is that- Ethanol alcohol?” I ask hesitantly. It was odd to say the least, that’s not a naturally occurring substance in the human body. And I don’t see any reason why it would be beneficial to introduce from an external source-

  “Tedd, that’s Zev’s. People go there to unwind, and alcohol’s pretty damn good for that.” Balor explained, barely holding in his laugh. He placed a hand on my shoulder, “Kid’s never been to a bar before. Know what- we’ve had a rough day today, let’s head in. Drinks are on me everybody!” He called out with his grand smile, and led me into the bar with a push on my back. As the glass doors slide open, I’m assaulted by a head-pounding noise. Machinegun drums, bass like bombs dropping on the floor, and the melodic scream of a chopped up song of ones and zeroes. It feels like my ears are going to bleed. I wish I could just see the world from outside this head of mine.

  …

  Forgive me for the interruption. By this point, it’s come to my attention that my story is being perceived by another conscience, possibly multiple. So I can talk to you now.

  Consider this me saying hi, from a couple years in the future. If you stay with me and I truly do make it out alive, I promise you, I will make you proud. I will not disappoint you. I will not let you down. I will blow you away.

  …

  My mind was interrupted by the clacking of Ava’s snowy white heels, and her small hands slamming onto the only empty table in the bar aside from a lone drone speaking to another, she was inscribing his words on a small page. “Cade, what the fuck are you doing alone?” she demanded with such sternness I found myself frozen, and she wasn’t even speaking to me. The inscriber drone- with the pen, was rushing away from the table, clutching her notepad tightly in one hand, other hand on her mouth. Was she laughing? One green stripe on each shoulder, a Level 1 service worker. Her uniform was cut off below the chest, revealing pale grey skin down to her hips. “Didn’t think I’d catch you ogling at a waitress, Gearbox.” came Balor’s voice from behind me as he walked past, marching over to Ava before she could say another word. He placed a hand on her shoulder, “Ava. Care to introduce-”

  A snap rang out as the back of Ava’s hand cracked across Balor’s face, whipping his head to the side. A nasty red mark in the shape of her knuckles formed on his face, and a string of her curses overpowered the head throbbing music filling the room. Her clacking heels chased down the drone, and her nails dug into her back as she grabs onto her shirt. A terrified choke came from her as her collar pressed into her neck, lurching her backwards and the jealous rage stayed bitter in Ava’s curled brows and grinding teeth.

  “You so much as look at my man again, I’ll fucking tie you down, rip off your discount nails and feed them down your fucking throat!” Ava hissed in the poor drone’s face. She reeled her arms up in response, scrambling to push Ava off her with terrified shock crinkling up that beautiful face of hers.

  Ava didn’t let up. She swung her free hand into the drone’s stomach and sent her gasping for breath, then switched her grip from her shirt to her hair, nails digging into her scalp and nearly drawing blood as she dragged the choking and wheezing drone across the floor with swagger, hips swinging with grace despite her acts of violence.

  She stopped upon the nearest table of five, whose drinking and laughing was interrupted by Ava swinging her entire body as she smashes the waitress’s face into a plate of french fries. “You bitch, you listen when I’m fucking talking to you!” She wrenched her head up then slammed it back down into the shattered porcelain, then again, then again, until the ketchup was mixed with her blood. “He is MINE. You touch him, you speak to him, you look at him, you fucking talk to him, YOU DIE!” She roared next to her ear, pressing her face harder into the table. She was about to keep going. She would have, too, if it weren’t for a drone’s set of tired arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her gently from the unconscious, bleeding drone.

  “Hey, Ava. I’m sorry. She was just taking my order. I didn’t mean to make her smile like that.” Said the drone, his grip around her round waist loosening along with his meager confidence.

  “Sorry? You’re sorry for making me do this, Cade? Why the fuck make me do it in the first place then?” Ava trembled. “I.. I hurt her. I wouldn’t have had to do this if you weren’t trying to make another girl smile. Even you said it. I’m the one who’s face you want to bring a smile to, because to you I’m the most precious thing in your world, so why!?” She clambered, tears welling up on her pale skin under her soft pink eyes. “Look, it’s really not as bad as you think it is. You’re overreacting, when is the last time you slept without your starry active?” The drone- Cade asked with a gentle patience woven into his voice.

  Ava grabbed his sleeve in response and pulled it all the way up, then held Cade’s arm out for us to see. Covered in scars of many shapes and sizes, and his arm had so many ports and receivers on it I had to wonder where his blood flows. “Like you have room to talk.. You’re fucking wired all the way through. Fucking look at this you guys,”

  How long ago did the music stop?

  No more machine gun drums and ear piercing treble. Only the rapid pumping of alcohol through blood, and the disgruntled breathing of the many drones staring at us. One of them muttered under their breath, but loud enough to be heard. “You crazy wired bitch.”

  His mockery was joined by another. “She’s asking to get executed. Doing shit like that in here,”

  “Exactly. I’m already posting it myself.”

  “Lemme share that too,”

  Ava’s breathing became louder, as she stared daggers back at everyone looking her way like a cornered animal. Among the drones, the hearth’s gaze was most intense. The hearth stood at the back end of the now silent room, disco lights no longer spinning, so his short, side swept deep red hair and silver eyes were striking as they stared at us. All of us, not just Ava. He adjusted his collar, and swept his hand down the smooth black sleeveless leather encasing his top, with a rose pattern embossed into it. His voice clear and smooth like fine champagne, “This isn’t a good look on the Scourge. You know the rules, if you have a fight take it outside, and never lay your hands on my staff. Who’s taking responsibility?” He demands, placing down a pearly glass mug he finished shining, still warm from the soapy sink water.

  Balor raised his hand as he stepped in front of Ava with her handmark still red on his face. “I will. I’m the one who brought us in, after all.” He spoke up. His voice faded into a concerned groan as he looked down at the waitress. “Miss, are you awake?” He asked her cautiously, placing his fingertips on her back.

  A quiet sob came from the table as the waitress stood, blood dripping from her chin, eyes shut, her whole body trembling. “Easy now,” Balor warned, as he took her in his arms. “Head to the back, doctors will be waiting for you. This isn’t your fault, and Ava will be dealt with accordingly.” Balor stated bitterly.

  “..What will be dealt with accordingly?” Came Shula’s quiet panic, cracking like kindling before the bonfire. She raised her voice as she asked again, “What just happened?”

  Stolen story; please report.

  Shula pushed through to see the waitress, face bloody, cut open from shattered porcelain. She didn’t have anything else to say. She took the poor drone’s hand and rushed her to the back, while glancing with silent rage behind her sister. She mouthed something to her that I couldn’t make out, but Ava understood just fine. Ava stormed out of the bar without another word. It’s rainy though.

  Balor’s jittering hand clenched into a fist behind his back, half bitten off nails digging into his palm. His patience is being tested isn’t it? And here I thought he was-

  “Zev. I apologise for this, truly. I can promise you we won’t be bringing her around again.” He spoke kindly, breaking the silence just before the tension in the room reached its breaking point.

  The hearth, Zev, leaned over the counter. “Right then.”

  Balor raised a finger, “Aand, drinks for everyone here are ALL on me for the rest of the night! Enjoy it while it lasts folks, this is a one-time.” He invited with a grin, turning around and projecting his voice through every corner of the bar.

  The disgruntled murmurs quickly shift to a round of applause as the head throbbing music resumes back to full volume, and I realise I’ve been standing still, living their lives. I could have said something, done something there, but I didn’t. Why didn’t I? I just let someone get hurt. But last time I did something, I killed people. I’m not human. I don’t get to interact with them as if I’m one of them.

  …

  I expected this period to be a moment of further reflection, but it hasn’t panned out that way. Ava getting violent was out of the ordinary too. As far as I know, she is the passive one and Shula is the aggressive one. It’s out of character to say the least. I’ll keep my mouth shut and watch for a bit, and I won’t alter any more memories from this point forward. Something is going on that I don’t know about, and that’s odd because I know everything. These are my memories after all.

  …

  “Hey Tedd, you alright after all that?” Balor asked me, hand once again on my shoulder. Does he not understand how much I viscerally hate it when he touches me?

  I smile in response for a few seconds, tilting my head over to face him. But the longer I look at him, and feel his condescending hand on me, the more it just pisses me off. My face decays into a frown. “Balor. Seriously? You let her slap you and then do that?” I accuse.

  Balor looked to Demi and Kiara before answering me. “..what was I supposed to do? Throw her into the floor, pull out my gun and shoot her? Her boyfriend is right there, and he pulled her back before she killed someone. And I de-escalated the situation as best as possible.” He explained irately, gradually leaning into my face, before he paused and snickered at me. “You’re really gonna come at me here, Gearbox?”

  I raised my voice and pressed my head against his, “My name is Tedd. Don’t call me gearbox.”

  “Or what?” Balor responds quietly, pressing his index finger to my chest and pushing me away. “You’ll come up to me and talk shit to my face in front of my friends? Because were we on the street right now, you’d be picking your teeth off the ground for saying that shit.” He reminded me. But what gives him the right to say that? Or any of them? I don’t see magnetic plates on any of them, I don’t see wires routed through their heart and brain. I don’t see the visors on their heads, limiting their view of the world around them to their imagination.

  “Or I’m gonna set you straight- all of you. Because I just watched every single one of you let that happen.” I piped up with righteous naivety, standing up tall in front of Balor. I was still an inch below him. But his face softened, not a spot of rage despite my provocation. “Look, Tedd. I know you’re confused and angry. This must be really overwhelming for you.” He patronised me, placing his fucking hand on my shoulder again. I wanted to swat it off so badly, but I shrunk into my head because he was right. I’m overwhelmed, and-

  “We can talk about it later, alright..? Feel free to sit down, we’re gonna be on the dance floor, but you don’t have to join if you don’t feel comfortable.” Balor’s words echoed, as if he said them to me five minutes ago. My body was hunched as if sitting down. They were already long gone now, weren’t they? Their bodies were jumping, swaying, and twirling while I sat still like an inhuman statue. They were all enjoying themselves, while I was fighting off a strange urge to cry. If I had to describe the emotion, it’s a certain self-loathing confusion that I feel every time I see people talking it interacting with each other. Come to think of it, I wasn’t aware of that feeling until now, was I? I’m probably overthinking it in that case.

  “Two hours pass fast when you’re bored, don’t they.” Mumbled Cade, black hair woven between his fingers which gripped his sweating forehead. A nearly empty glass containing ethanol alcohol and mango extract rolled around in circles in front of him, his fingers guiding the bottom around. “Are you tired or something? You haven’t had anything to drink.” Cade slurred, breath reeking of alcohol as he engaged me further. But what is the difference between engaging me and a brick wall? I’m not human like the rest, a conversation with me is beyond useless. I cannot contribute anything of relevance to their lives, their minds, so far disconnected from my own.

  …

  Hello. I am the Owl. I think, I SPEAK, I FEEL, I CRY, I EAT, AND I BLEED, AND I CRY, AND I THINK, AND I THINK, AND I CRY, AND I FEEL, AND I FEEL, AND THINK, AND THINK,

  and I know. I’m human, just like you. Just different, just like you. Just different, just like everyone. Just like everyone. Just like no one. Just different, but not different like you, different like me.

  …

  “Fucking jackass, if you’re with them you must be way too important to talk to me, huh. If you’re so above me, how come your whole body is shaking like you’re so fucking scared of me you can’t even answer a question?” Cade pressed further, tearing out a few strands of his black hair and slamming his fist into the table.

  I lift my heavy head and face him with the visor bolted into my skull. “I don’t get tired. My daily maintenance ensures I never need to eat or sleep-” I shut up quickly, as something clicked. I don’t have maintentance anymore. And since I’m human, that means that without food and sleep, my body and mind will naturally reduce in their efficiency. I correct myself, my voice cracking from holding my breath. “Actually, yes I am tired. And yes, I haven’t drank anything.” I corrected myself, and let out a sigh as I resumed breathing normally, and my sitting posture slacked down to its natural slouch.

  “Oh shit, my bad dude.” Cade blurted, jumping back in his seat as he watched me suddenly stop shaking and straighten myself out, and stare directly at him. “You just reminded me of someone, so I lost it,”

  “Reminded you of who?” I inquired, straightening myself once again and staring intently at him.

  Cade’s eyes twitch again, and his body jerks back. Flinching, right? “That girl who beat the shit out of the waitress. Ava Frithia. Also my supposed girlfriend, but like I’ve only known her for 8 days and we’re just hooking up.” He prattled on, saying things I don’t really understand nor care about- aside from her name and the fact the two have a relation to one another.

  I shake my head idly and interrupt him with another question. “You’re the one I should have been mad at then. Why didn’t you-”

  He swiftly pulls down the neck of his hoodie, revealing several scars in the shape of human teeth. He then lifted his hoodie up from the bottom, revealing long white scars along his stomach, and some thin red scab tissue. He then pulled up his sleeves, one after another, revealing bruising which thinly wrapped around his wrists. “Because I can’t say no to her.”

  My eyes widen in shock and confusion. A small part of me felt a heat resonating from my groin, as I envisoned her causing this to him, as I envisioned him letting her- I shook my head violently. This isn’t an arousing situation. He doesn’t want this. The heat from my groin is only growing, and I find myself entranced by his scars, especially the recent wounds that were still red, and the bruises. I kept a cool composure, appearing angered- confused, and no, I should be. This shouldn’t be an appearance, it should be genuine- I should be disgusted by this.

  “Dude?” Cade questioned, his voice shaking ever so lightly.

  “Why can’t you say no?” I asked genuinely.

  “Because,” Cade sighed, then clenched his fist tightly. “I let her wire me. She’s in my head. She has full control over my mind. If I wanna say no, she can just change me. Make me want it, like it, say yes. If I wanna be a certain way in public she doesn’t like? She can change me. Just like,” Cade snapped, “That.”

  “How? Are you saying she- put wires in you? Piercing your skin with the conductors of an incomplete conscience that is not your own,” I began, glimmers of hope shining through my monotonous manner as I thought maybe, just maybe, he’s like me?

  Cade laughed at me in pity. “No. Worse, I already had wires in me. I just gave her the fucking keys. I uploaded a copy of my conscience to her starry,”

  “What is a starry? I heard you mention it earlier when you pulled her away from that drone, I mean that waitress.”

  Cade narrowed his eyes at me when I said ‘drone’, then leaned into the table. “You know about wires, right? It’s the STARYX brand mindcloud implant, full frontal lobe, visual cortex, and cerebral cortex as well. Its features are geared towards cog art, but-”

  “Stop.” I halted him. “I have no idea what you’re saying. Can you start from the beginning? Or at least point me in the right direction?”

  “You know, if you had an implant too this would be a lot easier.. I find it hard to believe you don’t.” Cade accused me. “You’re geared up head to toe, and that visor… not to mention Ferrum’s logo is visible to anyone with basic cog wires under your collarbone there.”

  “Cade,” I raise my voice.

  “Turn around, dude. I have an idea.” Cade insisted.

  …

  I am human. I promise. Deca Machina, why is this so frightening? This no longer feels like a memory. This emotion feels so intense. Apprehension. Curiousity. As if I’ve randomly stumbled upon a major point of relevance in my life. I thought this period would be one of self reflection, and would have no relevance to Full Conscience.

  …

  I obey Cade and turn around in my seat, revealing to him the back of my neck.

  A startled and excited gasp escaped him. “H-H-Holy… Holy mother of god! That’s a motherfucking Brighton implant! Do you know how rare those are? No, how did you get it? I’ve only heard rumors! The most potent wire around, so goddamn sought after because it’s a full-nervous implant, but isn’t even connected to the mindcloud servers- Using a portion of your brain as a control centre, it can access the entire fucking network, but rejects inbound traffic like Ava rejects men with good intentions!”

  My head is really spinning now. Brighton. Dr. Xavier Brighton, my handler. Any information regarding his works is classified, how would the public know about this…?

  “Jesus you really don’t know.. what, did someone sedate you and sneak a Brighton implant in you without even telling you what that shit does? You do realize, you’re probably the only one in all of Deca Machina who is completely immune to the system controlling all of us?” He was envious of me, wasn’t he? Because I can’t be controlled, or something. I don’t think he understands though. I can be controlled. I’m aware of when it’s happening and all, but that only adds to the pain when I’m watching myself be strung along like a puppet. I’m not immune. I’m everyone’s robot to program. A public experiment.

  “Cade. I know who Dr. Xavier Brighton is. I grew up with him and he is the one who pierced my skin with his wires, encased me in the metal I wear.” I reiterate. Now I haven’t told him this before, but it feels like I’ve said it a million times.

  He shook his head. “There is so much you need to know, dude. I can’t put it into words.” He mumbled, clearly on cloud nine as he marvels at the X mark on my visor and the back of my neck. He began reaching for my neck and rolling up his sleeve. I jerked around, pushing my seat out with my feet, staring at him in a standoff. His arm still stretched out, holding a black magntic bead attached to a wire pulled out from one of the ports on his arm.

  I spoke sternly, “What is that, and what were you about to do to me.”

  “Sorry.” He lurched across the table, grabbing onto my hair and turning my head so my neck was facing him, before he pressed the bead into a port below my neck. What is this feeling? It’s so strange.

  …

  Fuck. Fuck, fuck FUCK, FUCK! I’ve lost connection to my memories! I know I’m not dead, I know I’m not dead yet. I don’t see any memories beyond this point though. I could very well be dead.

  Am I dead? This is not how my life goes, not at all. This event wasn’t even supposed to happen. This is the part where I fight Balor and then reveal him for the antagonistic and deceptive piece of shit he is. Not get zapped out of consciousness by some random guy. This guy doesn’t even hold relevance to my life, he’s-

  I’m dead aren’t I? My Active Restraint System has a feature built in which is capable of placing me into a state of near death. As I mentioned earlier. But without the life support systems in the sky, how am I supposed to come back? Seeing as I’ve seen my entire life play out once already, I know my body doesn’t have a natural life support system like I thought in the past. That was them.

  And right now I don’t have a life support system, and the off switch to my BRAIN was just flipped by a random guy at a bar.

  I didn’t expect this to be how my story ends.

  Thanks for joining me. Looks like I didn’t survive after all. What the hell.

  I can’t put into words how goddamn bitter I am that after all this effort, I still couldn’t make it through…

  Goodbye.

  …