S1E11 - And watch me go like (Dumb'n'Based)
OnlyGun
?Destroy. Fucking. Everything?
First magical launcher to have ever been crafted, it's impossible to tell whether it is a product of a genius mind or a sniveling madman - quite fitting, for its creator was both ultimately revered and infinitely despised in equal measure
A peculiar state of existence that no language has words to properly describe. There's no space - so that takes care of WHERE right off the bat. There's nothing resembling any sort of matter - so WHAT is not a question either. Time is a no-show - kicking WHEN out of the picture and, refusing to stop at just that, dragging along unsuspecting WHY with a magnificent trick-shot assisted by an obvious lack of causality. All that is present is your sense of self, fueled by a strange determination to reach an uncertain goal - something you just came up with on a whim at the beginning, which somehow became increasingly more and more important for reasons you can't seem to grasp. No direction, no progress, no clue. Just familiar voice, providing the only point of reference
『This is extra stupid even by your usual standards! Just because there's something on one side, doesn't mean there's definitely going to be something else on the other. And even if there is - so what!? We've already found our place, why can't you just be happy with that!? Why is it that you absolutely have to chase every single wild idea you stumble upon, even though we... Grrrr, that's enough, I'm bored!! I'm going back - good luck with whatever, you idiot!!』
Few giant structures - either unfinished, or just weirdly shaped - are the only thing that stands out on that otherwise completely empty and perfectly flat field that stretches in all directions as far as the eye could see. The music of the constant howling winds fails to conceal this inorganic voice
『?Traveler? is advised to move the task of returning as soon as possible to the top of priority list. The 9333 construction sites under my direct supervision still haven't been visited. It is estimated that observing them together with me will be an invaluable experience for ?Traveler?. In addition, I would like ti submit request #369 to reconsider the notion of leaving me』
There's no mistaking the true nature of this huge assembly of countless creatures - it's an army, freshly arrived at this new land in another attempt to conquer it. No question about who's unstoppable will that army follows, either. The rumbling noise produced by their movement fills the air with grim excitement - but it's not the source of trembling in this spiteful voice
『Don't think that your usual antics will be tolerated, you d-disgusting freak!! You were sent here to do your job, not to satisfy your wretched curiosity - and I'm here to make sure of that, you understand!? N-no, stay away, don't come any closer!!』
Scorched wasteland is all that remains in the place of this unending battle that finally managed to reach its conclusion. Sincere gratitude that precious few survivors are trying to express is completely overshadowed by this horrendously loyal voice
『Please, pay no mind to those insignificant creatures, My Lord!! It is already completely unforgivable that they made You waste so much of Your irreplacable time on saving their unworthy lives - and now they want to waste even more of it with their empty meaningless prizes!! Hmph!! As if those useless simpletons could ever hope to comprehend the sheer scope of Your unlimited magnificence, My Lord!!』
A city of terrifying beauty and devastating scale, basking in a golden light of an unmoving sun. The shadow from the menacing figure rising above it adds excessive chill to this already ice-cold voice
『Those insolent pests! How dare they try to ruin my beautiful creation! I will personally eradicate every single one of them - starting with these two!』
Gargantuan mountain range covered with fire shrivels in comparison to the wide-spread wings of this unbreakable roaring presence
『Funny. Our ?saviors?, now obedient puppets on an errand to tie some loose ends. No matter - if it's a fight you want, I've been looking for a worthy opponent to test my new strength. Shall we?』
The unnerving shadow swirling under the metallic trees of this endless forest fails to hide an unpredictable treacherous existence - for it has chosen to present itself everywhere at once
『Finally decided to come and play with me, my cuties? How wonderful! You know I'm always up for some good fun, but before we start, riddle me this - what kind of trick should one use to destroy somebody who doesn't even exist in the first place, hm?』
Small hill overlooking newly created sea, surrounded by a solemn quietude nobody dares to approach. Sound of the waves, vanishing under the dim light of the sun, now fully eclipsed by the recent addition to the sky, makes your mind slip into timeless nothingness, folding all the irrelevant thoughts within your tired sense of self - with the voice coming from the comforting weight on your shoulder providing the only point of interest
『But this lady sure knows how to run away, huh? I mean, she took her city to the sky with her, and everything. Now that she's blocking the sun, do you think they're gonna send us up there to finish the job? And after that, we will have to go back, right? Can you figure something out so that we could stay? I... I think I like it here』
Hard to believe that this scene of complete devastation is a result of a single duel - which didn't start as such, but the kneeling figure pierced by the sword tapped out long before all of this was over. Now, there's only one being who's left - not for long - to listen to this voice that rages like a storming ocean
『At last!! My long-sought vengeance for this unbearable humiliation you wretched pests inflicted upon me has been completed! Now all that is left is for those useless cretins to do their part - and then both you filthy mongrels will finally be gone! Forever!!』
This peculiar state of existence that no language has words to properly describe should be familiar - but your inevitably evaporating sense of self realizes with final certainty that this is something completely different. The only thing that prevents what remains of you from dissipating into nonexistence is this voice that envelops like a gentle cloud
『My dear, beautiful, precious child! The arduous task of awaiting for your return is over, and your people should despair no more - I am finally ready to born you anew, so that you could deliver them from all their suffering and bring forth a new hope! Time to take your rightful place, my beloved son!』
Nothing makes sense anymore. You keep wondering if it ever again could - or should, for that matter. No direction, no progress, no clue. No reason - just familiar sad voice, providing the only point of return
『Please come back...』
>> SPECIAL CONDITION : Dungeon Fever LV1
...I mean, fucking dreams, am I right?
You wake up ready to complain about all that bullshit - but then you let your mind slip for just a second, and then you forget all about it
And then the rant is over
『Hey, brother, I know I said you're always welcome in this glorious palace, but don't you think you're taking it a little bit too literally?』
My questionable habits of falling asleep in this wank-shack aside, it seems to me that I've got no clue about what I'm supposed to do next. I strongly feel like I have to fight the urge to sit by the root-hole while repeatedly flinging around my superspell in an attempt to collect my thoughts - that would be deja-viewing too close to the sun, and not in the loop-memory kind of way, if you catch my drift. Let's read this poem somebody scribbled on my right forearm instead. Do I even want to know where my right sleeve go?
『And now he's turning my Palace into a library, eh? At least he brought his on books with him. Or, more like, on him, hyuk-hyuk-hyuk』
...
...
...
OK, I now perfectly understand the situation! After carefully examining those ancient scribbles, my brilliant mind easily arrived at the only possible conclusion - whoever wrote this is an absolute fucking idiot. Also, I got the gist of the general direction I'm supposed to be going to next as a byproduct - not much, but I think I can work with that
『Is it already time for you to storm out of here without saying a word, brother?』
Hey, that stupid creep makes a solid point for a change. Might not be so stupid, after all
Still a creep, though - but I think I can work with that also
『See you soon, brother!』
You have no idea how fucking much I want to tell you not to hold your breath, Snort-bro. Also, stay in fucking character and don’t forget to snort – it’s in your name I just gave you, damn it!
Up the stairs we go again, then. If my outstanding deductive skills are correct - which, of course they are! - we are going to the next floor up from here. Floor 7 is not our actual destination - that would be Floor 4, another three flights up from 7F, but we will have to make a (hopefully) short stop on our way to 4F, because nothing is ever fucking easy in True Hero's life
4F has a room with a pyramid that is guarded by Sphinx - giant-ass winged lion with human-like head and torso attached to it, with three shapely boobs slapped on top as a bonus. Compelling, I know - but combine it with a deep husky voice of an obvious old geezer that this creature produce, and you'll have easier time forgiving me for not being in a hurry to grow a third arm right this instant. Everybody has their own kinks, and this one's not mine, so - fuck this, with respect, and sugar on top, I'll refrain
Plus this Sphinx is pretty fucking annoying in general - it gives you series of riddles, but instead of just giving an answer on the spot, you have to present an actual item that you think qualifies as a solution. An item from the outside world. From any corner of any obscure dungeon of any continent of the outside world - so, you either steadily progress through that riddle-ladder as you gradually expand your area of world exploration, or try your hand at the forbidden secret art of rigorous back-tracking. Depends on when you found this super-secret exclusive dungeon, really - and I found it now, so all conventional means are a no-go
And so is killing this thing, sneaking past it, tricking it, bribing it, convincing it, and telling it to eat a bag of dicks - believe you me, I tried it all, back in you-know-when. One thing I did not try, however, is distracting that fucker - and that important task we're going to outsource to another ultra-annoying fellow from, yes, Floor 7
Spiraling stairs has finally transformed into a platform that stretches along the inner wall for about half a circle - and I think that I've already said the exact same thing quite recently. Who cares, there's the door
*creeeeak* *clunk*
Go through the maze-like corridor, ignore another swelling of deja-woo-woo, and step through the next door – to a different room this time
...
Hm?
*creeeeak* *clunk*
Never mind, we're in the mountains now. Totally black sky, slopes covered in pine trees - and a single barely noticeable pathway leading upwards from the door to the cave entrance some distance away. This cave is guarded by a very promising future employee, so let's brush up our hiring skills while we're making our way up the mountain
Please, everyone, give a round of applause for this engineering beauty - a 5 meters tall humanoid construct, made entirely of black glossy stone with golden inscriptions all over it. Universal Magical Automaton, also known as golem - an absolute must-have for any self-respecting evil sorcerer from ancient times. Has a wonderful feature of having huge Power Gem embedded into it, along with a complex supplying circuit that allows this bad boy to self-recharge with the Soma from defeated enemies, resulting in an almost infinite running time. Combine it with the fact that proper obsidian - which it's made of - is basically indestructible by any normal means, and you'll have an absolute pinnacle of the ancient art of magicrafting now, sadly, completely lost to time
Borderline perfection with only one glaring flaw
It's a total bitch to operate! Obsidian, you see, does not stop at being resistant to the physical impact - its disdain for any magical interference is also near absolute. Which means, among other things, that this golem can not be controlled by mana directly - and this is where those golden inscriptions, which are, in fact, simplistic magical formulas, come into play. Every joint is controlled by several of those formulas, designed to execute predetermined movement as soon as you pour some mana into them, with the angle and the speed being controlled separately by the amount of the magic you supply to the respective control circuit. Simple stuff, in theory, but try doing it without proper training, years of accumulated experience, maxed out puppeteering and magic output control skills - and all you get to see is an oversized stone doll uselessly spazzing and flailing around. To graduate from a fancy decoration, this killing machine requires insanely competent operator in a direct vicinity - of which right here and now, there is none
Yet this thing can move on its own juuuust fine
I mean, come-the-fuck-on, it's a single flow in the otherwise highly efficient device - you really think there would be a shortage of bright heads tackling this issue in an attempt to circumvent it? The solution found was simple - you take that insanely competent operator I just mentioned, you kill that insanely competent operator I just mentioned, you extract the Seed from that insanely competent operator I just mentioned - and then you slam that Seed into specially prepared device within the automaton. Bye-bye, insanely competent operator I just mentioned - hello fully automated golem that's capable of following simple instructions!
Funny enough, research data from studying those derelict constructs provided a solid foundation for the idea that our skills are, in fact, stored in our Seeds of Existence, to advance from a mere hypothesis to a full-fledged theory - I mean, there's not exactly a plethora of already extracted Seeds readily available for experimentation otherwise, so at least there's that. You never know what sort of horrific atrocities committed in the days long gone might accidentally improve our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, I guess
And now you, too, can vastly improve your understanding of why nobody was particularly eager to rediscover that ancient art of magicrafting when it was, erm, ?lost? to time
Anyway, this golem appears to have been given instructions to guard the entrance to this cave, so it doesn't react to anything unless you try to pass through - at which point it does finally react in a rather over-exaggerated manner of trying to unalive you on the spot. To enter, you'll need to completely deactivate it by saying a magic safe-word that, yes, I do happen to know - but we're not here to turn it off
We're here to recruit - using nothing but the ultimate power of my irresistible Heroic Charm! Well, the most fitting visual representation of it, that is
Superspell, GO!!
>> Spark of Promise <<
Do you see that glorious splendor illuminating the surroundings, you walking fossil? Do you feel the irrefutable pull of wonder, luring you towards it? Rejoice, for you have been chosen by Hero of the World to perform a noble task of... Hey, what the actual fuck!
...
What exactly is your general malfunction, you dipshit? Or is it a specific one? Look, it's a ball of light just floating on its own in a middle of a fucking nowhere - who wouldn't want to come closer and poke a finger into it to see what else it will do? Where's your sense of adventure and wonderment, you cunt!?
...
Is it actually asleep, or something? Should I try to wake it up first? Maybe if I move the spark closer, it will...
*fsssst* *clang-clang-clang* *vroom*
『EXITING STANBY MODE. ON WAKEUP MAINTANANCE COMPLETE. ENTERING COMBAT MODE』
Hey, eggs and bakey, sleepyhead - now, come to papa!
『SURVEING THE AREA. UNAUTORISED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
『CONTACT MADE. PROCESSING』
...
『PROCESSING』
...
『PROCESSING』
You're just going to stand there and stare at it, huh? Suits me - here's something for you to make contact to a little further down the road
>> Spark of Promise <<
『UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Now we just need to bread-crumb our way to the next destination and let or riddle-loving Triboobent have some fun with our newfound toy. Let's fucking go!
Nah, lets fucking stop - this giant piece of shit doesn't fit through a human-sized door. A pickle, quite indeed
*stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp*
I placed the sparkle on the other side of the open door, where it's clearly visible, and that moron has been honestly trying to reach it for a while - but all that moon-walking into a door frame doesn't seem to get us anywhere anytime soon. Hmmmmmmm
*stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp*
...
*stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp*
Will you pipe down all that stomping, you fuckwit - I'm thinking here! Hmmmmmmm. What if I try to place the spark not directly in front, but at the angle - maybe it can weasel its way through by turning from side to side?
>> Spark of Promise <<
*stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp*
No, don't try to circle around, you smartass - this door doesn't work like that. Get back here! Actually, I wonder if I can make it squat down somehow... You know what, I think I'm going to need a minute
>> Spark of Promise <<
『UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Yeah, piece of cake, really - all I had to do was to lure it on a nearby rock, make it fall down, turn it around in the air several times by quickly placing the bait in opposite directions, then summon the spark in the corridor at the very specific angle. The end result was tremendous success - with a pleasant bonus of watching a stone contraption doing silly breakdance moves
The only point of concern is that I don't remember there being any rocks in this corridor, so what am I to do with the next door is still remains a mystery
>> Spark of Promise <<
『UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Making your way up the long-ass staaairs ~
You'd think would be good for relieving streeess ~
But that is
Not the
Fucking caaaaaaaaase ~~~
Mystery solved, by the way. First, you place the spark right below its feet to actually make it somewhat squat down - and then you run out of fucks to give to a proper explanation. Long story short - I now have a reliable method of dealing with doors, of which there are two more on the way. Long story long - well...
>> Spark of Promise <<
This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.
『UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
I'm fucking boooooooooooored! Those stairs can manage to put you to sleep somehow even when you running up and down them with all your might - and the Hickory-Dickory-Rock over there, steadily stomping its way from target to target, doesn't exactly help with this whole desperately-trying-to-stay-awake situation. On the bright side - this extra time provided me with an opportunity to think about some really important stuff: about life and meaning, time and space, inevitability and chance, destiny and choice
And also - whether or not this dumdum can actually enter a no-bullshit combat mode
I mean, it says it does - but I don't remember that Rockadoodle ever attacking me in any of the loops. I try to sneak by, it threatens to pulverize me into dust, I get scared and run away - that's all that ever happens, no matter many times I repeat this dance. Now, if I want it to be a good distraction, I need it to fight - so I demand a thorough display of key skills before finalizing the employment process
Like, right now!
『PROCESSING』
Catch a Magical Flying Kick to the Rear, bitch!
*bonk* *crack* *sting-sting-sting*
Fuck, did I just crack my toe on this slowpoke's ass? My kick is strong enough to fracture my own bones? Since-a-when?
『HOSTILE PRESENCE DETECTED. LAUNCHING WARNING STRIKE』
>> LET'S ROCK!! <<
*SLAM* *craaack* *wind blowing*
...And here I thought the dungeon interior was practically indestructible - I most certainly stand corrected now by a stone fist flying right past my face, slamming into the stairs in front of me, and leaving a beautiful crater in the place of impact. Woah, the web of cracks surrounding it aside, it's probably bigger than my head!
Hey, don't worry - my appreciation of this newly created modern art piece does not in any way distract me from listening to all the constructive criticism of my Let's-Kick-A-Deadly-Rock-Monster-In-The-Butt-And-See-What-Happens Master Plan you seem to be very eager to provide. I'm taking careful notes, which I can prove by rising an immediate clarifying question - what are those ?contingencies? you keep bringing up? The term is new to me, and I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of information necessary for the future improvements of...
『TARGET ELIMINATION ADVISED. PRIORITY LEVEL EVALUATION IN PROGRESS』
Hold on, let me get back to you on this - something tells me I better come up with something quick. Gut feeling and all
『PROCESSING』
OK, I'll pretend to be Heroic Statue! Good thinking, me!
*Heroic pose*
『PROCESSING』
Nothing to see here, just your everyday beautiful statue of Handsome and Brave and Smart Hero - take your picture, read the booklet, move along
『PROCESSING』
*Heroic pose complete with Heroic Smile?*
『PROCESSING』
>> Spark of Promise (that is way over there and not here at all)?? <<
『EVALUATION COMPLETE. THREAT LEVEL INSIGNIFICANT. ABORTING EXTERMINATION. UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Hero wins again, yay! Now, back to the topic of improving my already impeccable strategic skills - I'm not sure how exactly... Hey, wait a fucking minute!! Did that actually happen, or was I hearing things!?
Did you. Just call. Me. A. Small fry. You. Wanker!!?
Oh, it's on now, you overgrown petrified piece of spank! If you think I'm letting it slide, you really must be off your fucking rocker! Get back here, you silly twat!! Prepare to receive the full power of my World-Famous How-Dare-You-Underestimate-The-Might-Of-True-Hero Magical Kick!
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Decided to pick up the pace all of a sudden, huh? Well-well-well, someone's eager to be taught a valuable lesson about how relentless Limping Hero Giving Chase can really be. Here's a little head-start to let you get your silly hopes up - before I utterly crush them, MWA-HA-HA!!
>> Spark of Promise <<
Good thing I brought some spare batteries for a medkit - those multiple comminuted hands and feet fractures were an utter bitch to heal. Also, the stairs are going to need some proper maintenance in the future, but who cares about that - we're in a desert room now, walking a stone-paved road, surrounded by rows of columns that support absolutely nothing, towards a huge pyramid that sticks out of endless sea of sand under the usual black sky. Entrance in front has no door and is, luckily, big enough, so let’s just fling the spark a little bit beyond it and see the magic happen - our quiz-loving Triboobedallion-Stallion is already visible through the passage
Distrockting Factor, I choose you!
>> Spark of Promise <<
『UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Hopefully, all that dramatically slow rising on its feet, spreading its wings, and intimidating head-lowering for an extreme close-up face time will provide our Scaperock enough time to get its bearings
『HOSTILE PRESENCE DETECTED. TARGET ELIMINATION ADVISED. PRIORITY LEVEL EVALUATION IN PROGRESS』
『Trespassers in the House of Wisdom, answer my riddle or...』
『EVALUATION COMPLETE. THREAT LEVEL EXCEEDING EVALUATION THRESHOLD. ASSIGNING MAXIMUM PRIORITY TO EXTERMINATION TARGET』
『Do not interrupt me, foolish mortal. Within this walls, I will be the one to decide when...』
>> LET'S ROCK!! <<
『...Your puny little mind seems to lack the capacity to comprehend the existence you're facing. Like great many more before you...』
>> LET'S ROCK!! (x10) <<
『Enough! I shall rid this House of your loathsome presence this instant - prepare to meet your doom, you insignificant...』
>> LET'S ROCK!! (x20) <<
『Gah!! What insolence! Tremble in fear, you insolent worm, for you have incurred the wrath of a being far beyond anything you could possibly...』
>> LET'S ROCK!! (x30) <<
『Gehek!』
He-hey, this looks a lot more fun than I thought it would - but as much as I'd like to stay and watch my new unpaid intern riddle a proper hook into this smug face, I've got some other business to attend to. Right behind that door at the back of the entrance hall - so I guess I'll leave you to it, gentlemen. Ladies? Let me carefully think about what difference does it actually make, as I sneak my way around two mythical creatures engaged in a battle to the death
This huge room is most likely supposed to be a treasury of some kind, but it's just filled to the brim with stone tablets, dusty scrolls, and old books - with that, I will leave the level of excitement I felt when I reached this place for the first time up to your imagination. One useful thing in this whole dumpster is standing in that clearing right in the middle, and yes, I agree - not exactly what you would expect to see in the House of Wisdom
Basically, it's a progressive slot machine - with three spinning drums and a lever on the side
This one doesn't usually spit out money, though - that's definitely one of the options, but usually the prizes are something more along the lines of artifacts, superfruits, runes, and some other weird shit. Pretty useful, but totally random - unless you're amazing. Like me, Hero
The machine accepts Desert Coins, which is pretty fitting considering the room we're in - and oh, what a coincidence! We just so happen to have nine of those babies right here with us, would you look at that. First roll has a guaranteed result, so let’s get busy
*clank-clank-clank* *roll-roll-roll* *jingle-jingle-jingle*
>> ACQUIRED : Rememberry [???]
As much as I'd like to partake on the spot, this one should be saved for later. Hopefully, I can get another one on a random roll with the rest of the coins, but before that - let's use this beauty here
>> Your Lucky Coin
>> As long as luck is on your side, so will be this little treasure
I don't think I need to explain much, so here we go
*clank-clank-clank (x4)* *roll-roll-roll (x4)* *jingle-jingle-jingle (x4)*
>> ACQUIRED : Forbidden Rune (x4)
Remember kids, gambling is really bad - unless you're really good at it. Yeah, My Lucky Coin always returns to me no matter what - and the prize is also fixed to be a jackpot, neat! Fourth time's the charm, though - attempt number 5 gets the coin stuck forever and breaks the machine, so sometimes it does matter what, apparently. Still a good haul, I recon - with this I can complete my starting build and even the stats a little
>> Forbidden Rune Activated (x4)
>> ENDURANCE : (D) + (1) : 511 → → → ENDURANCE : (C) : 511
>> SPEED : (F) + (1) : 154 → → → SPEED : (E) : 154
>> MEMORY : (E) + (1) : 312 → → → MEMORY : (D) : 312
>> INTELLECT : (F) + (1) : 158 → → → INTELLECT : (E) : 158
*shine (x4)* *crack (x4)* *poof (x4)*
As you might've probably heard somewhere, my stamina is shit - so Endurance is an obvious first choice. I don't think I've ever had E-Rank Speed before, so I feel lightning fast - but I should've probably brought my Intellect to square one before anything, because investing two runes into Memory to rise it to Rank C seems like a much smarter option now. Oh well, I guess we'll have to commit
Come on, baby, I need just one juicy Rememberry! Eight more coins should be more than enough, let's go!
*clank-clank-clank* *roll-roll-roll* *jingle-jingle-jingle*
And it went exactly as expected, yes. So, now what the fuck am I going to do? I do have a spare - but that one's not for me, and the move I'm about to pull is already enough of a dick one. I refuse to compromise on this apology gift, so I guess I'm fucking stuck now - nothing new even on this run, so it's time to put my gigabrain to use again
Come forth, surge of brilliant inspiration - where do I get another one?
...And I think I can withstand it with enough of my body intact to somehow manage to crawl all the way to the other side, but than the obvious question presents itself - how exactly am I supposed to...
>> Tasty
Hey, I'm fucking busy right now, OK!? Let's put this idea on hold and tackle it from another angle - if I let this giant noisy asshole swallow me whole and get the thing from its stomach, what's the best way to... Wait, what? Come again?
>> Tasty
Over there, under this copy-pasted pile of rubbish? I don't get anything from loop memory, but what the hell - let's check it out!
>> ACQUIRED : Rememberry [???]
Hero wins - and without being eaten alive and bursting out of the monster's belly first. Boring, I know - but I'll take it
Thanks a lot, Ten-Pan Drifter!
You're the best, Ten-Pan Drifter!
Are there any more, Ten-Pan Drifter?
>> ...Probably
Well, where the fuck are they!? Are you trying to make me fall even more in love with you with all that suspense? Worry not - I'm already heads over heels, sugar, so come on, spit it!
>> ...
Tsk, stingy cunt. Thanks again, anyway, and - cheers to that!
*munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp*
>> MEMORY : (D) : 312 + 200 → → → MEMORY : (D) : 512
>> ACQUIRED : Seed of Proper Flushing [???]
*munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp*
>> MEMORY : (D) + (1) : 512 → → → MEMORY : (C) : 512
And that that's all, folks! We're ready to finally leave this dungeon - for now, at least. Seems like I've been here forever, but 'tis but a mere illusion, no doubt - time does not flow here in a usual sense, as you may or may not remember. I'm inclined to fully agree that it is certainly convenient, as I make my way to the exit
『Gah!! Ugh!! Grrrrr!! Ghek!!』
>> ROCK'N'ROLL (x150) <<
Woah, they still at it! Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fight, but this shabby casino does not provide any snacks or refreshments, so I decided to come back only after significant improvements in the customer service area. Though, looking at this Stonieslavsky over there doing spinny kicks, I have a feeling like I'm still forgetting something
...
Ah! If this thing is here, that means the cave it was guarding is unprotected at the moment. Not that I really need what's in there, but, hey - free loot is free loot, so little jogging session is on its way, inevitably
Right, a little one. Totally. Through those endless fucking stairs. Anyway, here's the cave, here's the chest, here's the thing
>> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [???]
>> The only gun you will ever need - provided you can afford to use it
Reasonable size, practical design, cool-looking shoulder holster, no ammo requirements, impossible to use in almost any conventional combat situation - I'll take it anyway, why not
『Actually, I've been thinking this for a while now, but can you stop with this [???] bullshit, Snik? My personal dungeon has a name, you know - it's Hyper-Youthful Ultimate Dungeon of Joy and _Perpetual Partying, obviously』
>> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [HYUDJ_PP Dungeon]
『Pffe-he-he-he, yeah, no. The name aged to dust while I was still in the middle of pronouncing it, so let's go with something those humorless provincials can appreciate, while also keeping in mind the overall theme of this crazy zoo - which would make it Memory Dungeon, I guess』
>> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [Memory Dungeon]
Aren't all the dungeons are, if you stop to think of it for a second - which I'm not going to, since I'm getting tired again. Clearing two rooms in a row seems to have significantly moved the time in the real world, and I'd rather not have another nap time on the red couch - sleeping in dungeon is generally advised against, mainly because of...
>> SPECIAL CONDITION : Dungeon Fever LV1
...this pesky little thing here. Not really that much of a big deal - just you regular everyday incurable condition that gradually turns you into a mindless cannibalistic monster roaming the dungeons trying to devour anyone you come across. So far, the only known way to get this - and to increase its level after you do - is to spend a lot of time in any dungeon of your choosing, with several sleepovers to really expedite the process. For obvious reasons, easily takes one of the top spots among the list of Dungeon-Diving common occupational hazards - but gets treated more like a slight professional deformation most of the time. After all, the condition is almost completely dormant on lower levels, and, again, the only way to increase the level is to spend more time in the dungeon - so just don't do it, and you're golden
Well, sure, even lower levels of Dungeon Fever come with a bonus of constant compulsive urges to explore some dimensional anomaly, like, right fucking now, damn it - but most Dungeon Divers do that for the living anyway, and their high mortality rate usually takes care of that steadily worsening condition problem in a perfectly natural way. Even if it doesn't - those who managed to live long enough to actually transform are just going to roam the deeper floors of the dungeons, creating additional headache for other Divers and leaving good an honest people on the surface the fuck alone
In conclusion - no big deal, as I said
My particular case is going to more or less resolve itself on its own momentarily, so without further ado:
Status - check
Gift - check
Extra loot - check
I think that's about all of it, so let's get the fuck out
Which is what I fully intended to do, alright, but, I mean, I was passing by this Floor anyway - who wouldn't want to check if those two lovebirds were still duking it out? Turns out - the fight is almost over, and based on how bloody the Boobielicious Trifecta is looking, it ain't going to no decision
>> WINDMILL ROCKS YOU!! (x369) <<
Blurry carousel of violence concludes with a beautiful throwing arc that splatters our wannabe smart-ass across the wall - and here goes the last remaining specimen of now completely extinct legendary creatures. Well, shit - I didn't know that thing could be killed, to be honest, but based on the feeling of Soma oversaturation that quickly fills the hall, that appears to have done did it! Great job, unpaid intern number one, you get some points to your imaginary record and a pat on the back
...
...
...
Fuck
...
Right, Soma. The most important resource needed for any leveling-up shenanigans. Scratch that - the one and only resource needed for any of that shit. That's beyond even common knowledge, that's just... There's absolutely no fucking way that somewhere out there could exist such a complete and total fucked up in the head piece of shit drooling idiot that will make sure that all the status requirements are met without gathering enough Soma first!!
There's just no way! A creature this fucking stupid simply can not exist - it will immediately implode under the pressure of its own stupidity
...
Fuck
...
And then I was about to say that we're still going to be here for a while, but a sudden thought occurred in some part of my body that still possesses a miraculous ability of holding it. The saturation level is insanely high - its on the brink of becoming Miasma at this point, and no matter how big the Power Gem shoved inside my sidekick is, it can't possibly hold all this amount. Sure, this golem has a Seed embedded into it - but what it doesn't have is a biological body hard-wired to instinctively absorb the Soma from the surrounding environment
I do
Granted, I'm not the one who defeated it, but I am still the closest one to this fountain of Soma that has nowhere else to go. So, kill-stealing for the win, and once again - come to papa
>> SOMA : + 2 KK (40%)
...
Fuck ~
...
Two million, huh? I wonder how much XP this fucker dropped initially for even the scraps to be this juicy. Those legendary bellends sure know how to make a long-lasting impression. The fact that I completely forgot about getting Soma seems to be a good thing - because now I won't have to remember about it for quite a while. Brief moment of silence to honor all those grinding sessions that are no longer meant to be
Also, great job, you handsome fuckface - you're a real Rock'n'Rolla!! By the way, I couldn't be asked to drag you all the way back to your initial room, so you live here now
See ya!
『Snik, scratch that Naturalborn bullshit from the status, just in case』
『Where the fuck do you think you're going, you little shit!?』
Yeah, the surface moved on as well - and not a short distance in time, based on all that equipment filling the room and on the fact that all those people running around look like they've been here for a while. The caveman that goes out of his way to display to me the level of reverence suitable for the one called Hope of Kaladerra is obviously with the Guild - which means they’ve already secured the sight, and are busy acting like they own the place. As usual, this memo about who's the biggest dick up in this piece didn't reach the Librarians, who just keep fiddling with the Gate without giving a single fuck - so it is pretty understandable that everybody's shit's emotional now, but still
『Give me that bag of yours! Hurry up, pipsqueak, I ain't got all day!』
『Sure thing, you smelly bald fuck! Why don't I get on my knees as well, while I'm at it - so I can blow you off properly while you help yourself to my stuff, you oversized loot goblin?』
Oh no. I think I said it out loud. My bad
『Wha... You're fucking dead!!』
Whoa, I know it’s usually normal for the Guild employees to be dumb as fuck, but this one's aiming for the Hall of Fame - I mean...
『Attacking the Hero of the World in front of multiple eyewitnesses and in a presence of several armed HAIAI operatives is not the most rational solution to a current situation』
Thanks for stating the obvious, random four-eyes who's... not really supposed to be here
『I don't give a rat's ass if that bitch right here is a hero or what!! Let those HAIAI pussies try and start some shit - this is a Guild territory now, bitch! You think we're gonna let some...』
『I'll take your statement as an official notice from IDEA about no longer requiring our services, then? We will leave the premise as fast as we can』
『Wha-... Hey, you eggheads didn't open the Gate yet!!』
『I'm sure you will have no problem figuring it all out on your own. Good luck』
『Wait! We... How... What?』
『On a slight chance of a simple miscommunication - which would mean you still need our help in solving this puzzle - I would suggest organizing your men to help with the transportation and installment of additional power banks that have just arrived』
『............................FUCK!!!!!!』
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Awwwwwwwww, and it was just starting to get fun
Anyway, back to that mysterious four-eyes sending an unexpected rescue boat - he literally has four eyes. Two of them are synthetic, and other two are biologically enhanced. Two pairs of magical arms from the back. Six fingers on each of the normal hands. Bunch of other mutations and synthetic implants mixed together all over - only one motherfucker fits that description, really
『Maximillian ?Too Far Gone? Kromwell, I assume? Much obliged』
『Assume away, Troy ?I Thought He Would Be Taller? Celvarion. Think nothing of it, if I thought he had a chance of actually killing you, I wouldn't have intervened. Otherwise, his excessive energy better spent doing as he told - but back to the relevant topic: on a scale of one to suddenly-dropping-dead, how exactly do you feel right now?』
Everybody, meet Max Kromwell - a wicked smart motherfucker with so many extra layers of crazy that even all the other Librarians consider him a bit too fucked up. One of the great many ways through which he achieved such an impossible feat I just briefly described - most of the freaks from the Dominion of Truth prefer to stick to either mutating their bodies, or augmenting it with various magical devices. Combining the two seems to drastically shorten the lifespan of the happy user - an annoying glitch our Max Soon-to-be-not-so-Well set out to fix, using himself as a test subject on account of not wanting to be bothered to look for any other volunteers
Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, the fact that he never appears after My Super Secret Exclusive Dungeon discovery in any of the loops gives you a subtle hint about how successful he'll be with this scientific endeavor of his. But this time - yeah, I'm too early, so it makes perfect sense for him to show up, since nobody really knows what to do here, and they hope this maniac can come up with something
He (probably) won't, but I'm excited regardless - I've never personally met him before
『If you're hoping to get a clue on how to go through that fog wall by splitting my head open and examining my brain, just wait for about three years - and my insides are all yours, to slice them up as you see fit』
『Too long. I was hoping for something within the scope of two days, before we finish organizing the initial batch of sensor data and narrow down priorities. No good?』
『No good』
『OK. Any tips before we get into full gear?』
『Don't waste your time - the only way to pass through this Gate is to be absolutely amazing』
『I feel motivated even more, thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me...』
『I don't think I will, I'm afraid - I still have a few questions about...』
『Yes, my dick does telescopically extend and vibrates, no, I don't have several - all the special features are combined into one』
『Sounds convenient. But I was actually more interested in how possible it would be to completely dry out the whole World Ocean』
『Obvious concerns about environmental damage and overall expenses aside, the task does look reasonable within the static model - but the Spring at the South Pole is just going to fill it back up』
『Plug it in with something?』
『The water coming from within the planet is just going to find another hole, if not several. Brute-force solution is to outpace the Spring by vaporizing and exhausting the excess water into the outer space, so covering the surface with accelerating heaters that can double-time as exhaust pipes and... what kind of time-frame we're dealing with here?』
『Three years』
『Next question. Though, freezing the water and launching the ice chunks might provide less engineering obstacles...』
『No freezing the Ocean, please. How about we freeze the insides of Big Volcano up north instead?』
『We can enhance the natural Decelerating Circuit around Mt Gdormur enough to completely neutralize the Flame, but the whole planet will become an icicle long before that, including the Ocean, which is...』
『No good. Let's focus on blowing the Moon to pieces』
『Creating something that can penetrate the barrier and delivering a sufficient payload will not be a problem. All that's left is to ensure either the survival of the entity that keeps the Moon in the sky or acceptable level of destruction - not possible within the time limit, meaning the falling debris is going to scorch the planet with high probability of eradicating all existing lifeforms, and that is?..』
『Not ideal. Would covering the whole planet with an umbrella be faster - in case the stars start falling for some reason?』
『The shield capable of withstanding comparable impact can be made barely in time, but that excludes light transparency feature and the additional valves for water drainage - so it's going to be a race between Ice Age and Great Flood』
『Man, science is fucking useless』
『Such as she is, we still try our best to do right by her. Anything else?』
『Yeah, how do you destroy someone who doesn't even exist?』
『Disregarding an obvious answer to the riddle, my next guess is that we're dealing with a probability-based existence, which can make things a little tricky - those types of entities has a constant margin of error superimposed across the whole set of variables describing their behavior - so, if we're absolutely certain about one thing they do...』
『You know jack-shit about all the rest』
『Feels nice to be comprehended. Although, those types of being tend to have that ?unless observed? gimmick, which we can use to our advantage - if we can provide the conditions where we can directly observe one of the behavioral patterns, we will know if and when it chooses it, thus forcing it to act in a deterministic way』
『What if it chooses some other pattern?』
『We will still know it didn't choose the one we’re observing - and for creatures like that, any knowledge about them is an entity that directly affects their behavior. Hypothetically speaking, but I hope that helps』
『Not unless it's laying a foundation for a sudden epiphany in the middle of some serious shit hitting the fan, but thanks anyway』
『Pleasure's mine - that was surprisingly exciting. I do have to get back to work now, so I hope we can talk more some other time』
『Looking forward - and good luck!』
Goes to show how much people like to talk bullshit about others - despite all the silly rumors, he's such a nice guy! Enough about that, though - I'm sure my useless maid already sniffed out my re-emergence and is making her way here as we speak, so let's hurry up and find Jess. Going to be pretty easy anyway
There's no reason for me to get cold feet, so that must be something else - and I have a pretty good idea about what that ?something? is. A pathetic existence that is currently on the brink of dissolving into a whirlpool of loop-memories still thinks that it gets a say about appropriate course of action. You see, this
>> Leaf of Absence
is about to help me enter a somewhat gray area - which is a term most people use to describe something really-really shitty that they really-really want (or need) to do. I mean, it's definitely bad, no two ways about it - as long as they are themselves not involved. As soon as they have some stakes in the matter - hey, let's not get too hasty, we have to make sure we know all the details first
So they try to work their way around all those morality restrains by over-complicating simple things, over-simplifying complex issues, and essentially just tricking themselves into thinking that what they're doing is somewhat OK - all in order to have their cake and eat it too. Everybody wants to feel like a good person still, after all
That cowardly throwback, for example, quietly suggests leaving it all to chance - which will actually work, believe it or not. Any second now Jess is going to come out of the next corner, we'll bump into each other, I'll fall down in a most hilarious way possible, the leaf will fly off and land on top of her head - mission accomplished. That's what happened before, there's nothing to imply that it's not what will happen now - optimal solution to a complicated moral conundrum, no reason to pass on the easy option, no reason whatsoever
Except for the fact that it's such a pussy move, what the fuck!?
Sure, let's dive into the dungeon on our on accord, grab the leaf with our own two hands, bring it here with our own two feet, but now that it's time to finish the job - oh no, I'm getting heebie-jeebies, I don't think I can do it, I will just let the nature take its course, it's all up to chance now. OK, how about the fact that I know for certain what the outcome will be? Which means I'm still the one doing it - I'm just being a giant bitch about it
Shut the fuck up, you scaredy-cunt!
I don't give a fuck about how it makes me look - or feel, for that matter. And I'm not in the nature of taking shit from anyone - not even from myself
>> ST-counter silently applauding
>> FG-counter doing the Cheerful Dance of Indifference
You two, zip it!
Think I care how many of you fucks agree with me? Well, think again
Think I give two shits about how many mistakes I'll make? Go get your heads checked
I'm the one making the choice, so sticking to it is the easy part
All that's left is to have enough guts to accept the outcome
Funny, I think I've heard something similar before - but I don't have time for that, since I hear familiar steps approaching from behind the corner on the left. Fuck, my blood is boiling again - better reset the mood somehow. Happy thoughts, inner peace, and here she is
『Hey there, Jess. I'm sorry in advance』
『Wha-』
*slap* *absorb* *shine*
The leaf I just slapped on her forehead instantly got absorbed, enveloping Jess with bright light - and giving as a good few of a sexy transformation strip-show that is about to unfold. What a sight to behold - her bark-colored skin turns golden, she grows flowers out of her hair which changes from simple green to a glowing emerald, she spins around striking suggestive poses, gets naked at some point, then some dress from leafs and also flowers appears, then she finally calms down. Hello to you too, Legendary Primordial Super Dryad that didn't get the note about all your other sisters going extinct long ago! Original Jess is just a regular half-blood, though – the leaf is in charge of all this magical transformation shit, which is permanent, by the way, but completely safe, as far as I know. There is this one temporary side effect right after the process that I should mention, and that is...
『What's going... Oh my, what a tasty looking young man we have here! Awww, if you keep frowning like that, you're going to ruin that innocent pretty face of yours. Fufufufufu, come here, don't be shy - this big sister is going to teach you lots and lots of new things about botany!』
Help, this horny sexy lady has grabbed me and now carrying me away with the most obvious evil intentions possible!
But actually, don't help - this situation is not as perilous as it looks, I assure you I can handle it
Through all the hidden desires and all the forbidden fantasies and all the shameful kinks, against the unlimited stamina of a sexually frustrated MILF
Hero will try his best to prevail again
Now, let's fuck
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