This chapter contains elements of severe abuse/violence.

  My dad is the smartest man I know. Peter, of course, is also smart, but dad knows the answers to all the questions and can solve anything. So, our dad decided to talk to my brother, because according to him, John was not in the mood to talk to him about anything serious before arriving home and was avoiding him and Amber’s family too. Maybe he thought that dad was involved in this decision? The misunderstanding needed to be resolved as soon as possible.

  “Daddy, can’t I find out what you’re going to talk about?”

  “No, daughter. I love you, but this is our man’s conversation, and you will be superfluous. You and I have secrets from John, why can’t we have secrets with him?”

  He patted me on the head, affectionately, as always:

  “You can go shopping with Ae. I already gave her money.”

  “But dad!” — I excimed indignantly, “I don’t like shops. It’s always long.”

  “Sorry, honey, but you’re growing. And no matter how many clothes you have, you grow out of them. Buy something new for dad, okay?”

  “Okay,” I muttered.

  “Well, fine. Hurry up!” He said with a smile.

  There was no choice left. Of course, I liked Ae, but I didn’t like shopping. I didn’t really like going out into the city at all. It was always lively there, cars were noisy, people were running somewhere. And the buzz coming from the taverns and pubs gave me a headache. I didn’t like our big house because it was heavy and a little gloomy, but at home I could communicate with the people I was used to. I could always sit under the trees and listen to the soothing rustling of leaves, read books, sketch ideas out of my head. Or just walk through the forest to the park and listen to the birds and watch the occasional squirrels run by. And then I felt comfortable. Admittedly, I was a little savage and most people wouldn’t understand me. But they didn’t interest me.

  “And yet, Peter loves me,” fshed through my head.

  What about Peter? Yes, he loved me, and even very much. But he could not boast of sociability himself. He is smart, I would even say handsome, but somehow... ordinary.

  “Chris, we have to go!” — Ae poked her head into the room, opening the door slightly, “You’re kind of sour. Soon it will be possible to squeeze fresh juice out of you. What’s happened?”

  “I was just thinking,” I answered.

  And this was the absolute truth. I really didn’t want to go, but I promised dad. I sighed and looked away from the window.

  “Only for a little while,” I begged.

  “That’s OK.”

  She smiled, as always, and it seemed to me that the freckles on her cheeks began to dance.

  “How cute she is,” I thought.

  We bought me a dress of deep emerald color. I really wanted earrings to go with it, but my ears weren’t pierced yet. Dad promised to take me to the salon on my fifteenth birthday. There was not long to wait. I looked up from the dispy with alluring gems and went to buy myself jeans and a shirt. There weren’t too many of these things in my wardrobe. At first, because my parents sewed clothes to order and wanted to see me as a little princess, and then I developed complexes. I was not fat, but not too thin either, and I was not tall. My breasts have recently started to grow, and I definitely shouldn’t expect any roundness like Amber’s.

  ***

  In the evening I could not sit still. I wanted to get some fresh air, and before it got completely dark, I decided to walk around the house. John did not come out for dinner, citing a headache, and grandmother showed Amber all sorts of attention. It looked extraordinary. I would say it was so unctuously that it seemed false to me, and maybe not only to me. Dad also winked at me sarcastically. I was sick of it. Even Amber was more embarrassed than usual, and I felt a little sorry for her. I left the table without waiting for the end of the performance. Dad nodded understandingly. Grandma muttered something after me, but I had no time for her. I returned to the room and colpsed on the bed. I needed a break from this nightmare. I woke up a couple of hours ter and needed to freshen up.

  I walked along the alley behind the house, then decided to sit by the pond in front of the house. And I was just about to sit down when I heard a quiet dialogue. I became quiet.

  “It’s not my fault that someone chose this same pce. I just want to rex,” I decided.

  There was silence for a while, and then the conversation became quieter, and I could only hear fragments.

  “You said... your grandmother... left me…”

  “Oh God, a sweet couple are here,” it dawned on me.

  “... obliged?... Not interesting…”

  I cautiously moved a little closer. It seems they were quarreling.

  “What, so fast? They barely started dating? Peter and I don’t fight. Is this even normal?” - I thought.

  “I try to do everything for you. I even try to please your grandmother, although you know that I don’t like her very much. I’m trying to have a dialogue with your father, and it’s not my fault that my mother doesn’t get along with him. Finally, even though this should be an arranged marriage, I like you. Maybe I even love you. Do you feel it?”

  A short pause, and John’s dissatisfied voice:

  “How stupid you are! We were friends as children, and nothing has changed now. No matter who told you this nonsense, there will be no marriage, you’re not even 18 yet!”

  “Wait!”

  I looked out a little. The moon was shining. But I let my guard down a little. I became interested. Amber grabbed his hand.

  “Please wait. Just once. I really want this,” she begged.

  “What does she want?” - fshed through my head.

  “One…”

  “One,” John grinned, “well, if you insist…”

  He leaned slightly towards her. His lips touched hers, she pressed herself against him...

  “So this is how it should be,” I thought.

  There was a slight groan from her side. It was John who lightly stroked and squeezed her breasts.

  “More...” she breathed.

  I hurried to escape as quietly as possible. How many times have I been told that eavesdropping is bad?

  “But this didn’t happen on purpose,” I mentally said to myself. I ran home. Due to the cluster of bushes near the pond, I could not be seen. I took a breath. Suddenly Amber ran past me, sniffling. I barely had time to press myself against the wall of the house in the shadows. But she didn’t notice me. I went around the house and was going to go in from the back, but the door was locked.

  “We’ll have to wait a little,” I decided. It was completely dark. I walked along the alley and pressed myself against one of the trees.

  “She seemed to like it at first… Peter never did that way. But for me he is a good friend or a little closer. We seem to be dating. Maybe I should propose to him. On the other hand, if my breasts were bigger… What am I thinking about again ?! It’s bad to be jealous! But why was she upset?”

  After standing like that for about 10 minutes, I moved towards the house, and was about to open the door, but then someone pressed me to the wall by the throat. I screamed clunky.

  “Do you want me to do the same for you? Might you like it too?” The man burst into a prickly, nervous ugh.

  I froze. John finally noticed me. I’m such a fool!

  “Did you really think that I wouldn’t see anything?”

  “Let me go,” I whispered, barely audible.

  “I hate it when you eavesdrop! You’ve been told this since childhood. I’m not your nky smartass!”

  He pressed himself closer to me.

  “I’m your sister,” I tried to slip out of his grip.

  “Tell me where, here,” he pointed to my lips, “here,” on my neck, “or maybe here?” - on the chest.

  He pulled back the colr of my dress a little.

  “Oh, I forgot, it’s too ft there. You’re complex, aren’t you? My daughter is the best,” he mimicked his dad, “And when did he take care of me? Always Christina, Christina, and Christina again! How is my daughter doing? And I was left to be raised by my grandmother, who tried to make me as smart as the nky one. Whatever his name is, Piper, I think. I always tried to please her, and now instead of the freedom of a bachelor, she forces me to marry this empty-headed girl?!”

  “But dad…” I tried to object.

  He roughly pushed me against the wall with his full weight.

  “Just tell me where, it won’t hurt,” he continued.

  I was ready to pray to all the gods so that he would not mock me now. I became very scared. My legs buckled, and only his bulldog grip kept me from falling.

  “Okay, I’ll choose it myself,” he decided.

  With one hand he pressed down to squeeze my ass. The other swiped a little casually across my lips.

  “Probably here,” he hissed, and immediately stuck his tongue into my mouth. It was unpleasant for me, but I couldn’t move, he blocked me. I closed my eyes and decided to just wait. He didn’t hesitate to touch me. The seconds passed too slowly. He removed his tongue, but still kissed me. And I, to my shame, began to answer him, somewhat ineptly, but still. His lips were demanding, but warm. I began to sink into this feeling, when suddenly he let me go.

  “You see, it’s not scary at all. You haven’t tried that yet. I forgot, you’re too small. Oops, sorry miss,” he said mockingly.

  I didn’t even notice how my now free hand spped him in the face. In the silence of the night it sounded too loud. He swore dirtily in surprise and said to me:

  “Curiosity is punishable. I would never do this to my sister. You will still answer me for everything.”

  He left, and I slid down the wall. Not his sister? What did he say? How could my brother say that? I will never forgive him now. And yet, I liked it, I liked this feeling. What a fool I am!

  After some time, I got up and, staggering, made my way into the sleepy house. Only from one room there was barely light leaking from the bottom of the door, but did I care? I made my way to my room, threw myself under the covers and cried almost all night. I felt sad and very lonely. What did I do to him?! Only when dawn broke did I doze off.

  But I didn’t know then that every single one of my sobs was heard by one person. And he was in pain too.