Peter didn’t call or write. And I tried not to disturb him. I fully understood that if I made myself known, he would feel bad. I truly valued him as a friend and didn’t want him to suffer even more.

  There was no answer from John either. Of course, he did not glow with love towards me. Only I tried to build castles in my head, even knowing that it was pointless. Dad spent a lot of time with me. Of course, I couldn’t tell him about my strange feelings, because there can’t be a retionship between brother and sister. I heard about this and tried to follow generally accepted concepts. But I still felt very comfortable. The warmth that had been missing for so many years appeared in my life and was wrapping me in the warm bnket of my father’s hugs in the evenings. He read me something before bed, as if I were five again. He looked when I drew something and was sincerely happy. He walked with me and was ready to talk to me about everything in the world. Of course, except for what I didn’t want to talk to him about. Grandmother often tried to point out to him some of my shortcomings. She never wanted to accept me into her world. I tried to ask dad and Ae why she treated me this way, but I never received a clear answer. There was something strange about it all, but I preferred not to think about it too much.

  Unlike me, my dad did not have frequent communication with John, but they communicated at least twice a month. I tried not to ask directly what they were talking about, but dad shared with Ae, and I definitely tried to be there, although I didn’t always succeed. So in three months I was able to learn about four news reports from him out of six, so to speak. From it I learned that Amber never stops chasing after him. Well, that wasn’t surprising to me. It looks like this girl really fell head over heels in love with him. It made me a little angry, but not much. It just tingled me unpleasantly upon realizing this fact. Grandmother wrote John letters with teachings, and he was furious after each of her letters. I knew how much she loved her grandson, but her desire to marry him to Amber and his reluctance to follow this whim of hers created a serious rift between them. He also continued to be angry with dad. And here I could not influence or settle anything. In some ways John was right. Dad paid him little attention before. But in some ways he was wrong, because now he himself was not too eager to get closer to his father. In any case, it didn’t concern me much now. I had to study hard, which I did successfully, and think about my final art work, so that if the result was good, I would have the opportunity to pce my first personal exhibition. True, it still needed to be supplemented with a couple of paintings.

  ***

  One fine sunny day my dad took me to Belfast. He decided to take me to the same botanical garden, the photo of which he showed after the st trip. It was spring, I had a little vacation. The governess asked for a few days off for personal reasons, and we immediately rushed away from home. Moreover, this was my first trip further than our town, but still inside my country. John had a busy session, and therefore he could not come home for Christmas and New Year, but he seemed to be pnning to come in the summer. In general, while he was still on campus, we were supposed to meet after a while, but for now I was happily looking at the trees and flowers. I actually saw many of them for the first time. I inhaled the aroma of some and associatively created stories in my head for future plots.

  Then we went to the restaurant. Dad offered to have a snack. I agreed because my stomach was empty. Today I was wearing a crimson dress, a pale blue sweater, bck tights and bck retro school shoes with ces, a braid of hair encircled my head in the form of a wreath. I didn’t paint my eyes yet, but I had a coral gloss on my lips, which made them look a little fuller.

  John didn’t come alone. He took Amber with him. This girl was fwless as always, her hair y in even curls. Jeans, T-shirt, bck jacket.

  “I can never look like her,” I thought.

  Only her face was sad. But I didn’t attach any importance to this. John walked in right behind her and I got nervous. Skinny jeans and a burgundy T-shirt. He immediately took off the jacket he had casually thrown over it. As he walked past me to say hello to Dad, I smelled his perfume, not too strong and not too faint. And my head started spinning.

  “Impossible,” I frantically grabbed the table, “what is wrong with me?”

  “Are you all right?”

  “Why exactly did he notice this?” I sincerely hated myself at that moment.

  “Yes, it’s just stuffy,” I lied and tried to give my face a calm expression.

  “I’ll take her out into the fresh air, we’ll be back soon,” he said. Then he said something quietly to dad. He nodded in turn.

  “I need to get out quickly, get out, but where... Where can I run away?” I asked myself and couldn’t find an answer. I quickly moved towards the exit, but my legs did not obey me, I walked too slowly.

  “Hurry up, come on,” I told myself.

  “Where did you go? Are you the smartest one?!” John’s voice rang out in my ear.

  “Not this, please!” - I thought.

  “Give me your hand. Lean on me.” His voice sounded quite cold. It’s probably for the better. I tried to think about something else, but his presence next to me made me feel strange. And that damn smell of perfume…

  I tried to ignore his offer and speed up my pace. Then he roughly grabbed me by the elbow and took me outside. The entrance to the restaurant was next to the park, and John quickly walked into the park.

  “It hurts me! Let me go! I can not go so fast!”

  For a second, embarrassment fshed in his eyes, and he sharply unclenched his fingers. He took out a cigarette.

  “Wow. I didn’t know he smoked,” I thought and looked at him with curiosity. He took a drag and his face acquired a rexed, mocking expression.

  “Oh, why are you blushing and turning pale?” — He exhaled a ring of smoke right in my face, “it’s stra-ange”

  I tried to run.

  “Oh, little Chris thinks she can run away from me so as not to answer. It’s so funny!”

  He caught up with me a few steps away and grabbed me by the elbow again.

  “It’s no use,” he puffed again, “I don’t know what suddenly happened to you, but it’s so fun to watch.”

  He put out his cigarette. And without letting go of my elbow, but more slowly, he walked back.

  “I think my father has already talked to the narrow-minded blonde, let’s go.”

  “Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.” I felt that my face was no longer burning.

  “Why are you so sure that she is stupid?” — I asked.

  “Because she doesn’t understand that Irene, Kylie and Linda have more in common with me than she does,” he answered seriously.

  ***

  Amber was desperate. Dad tried to calm her down when we returned.

  “I hate you!” She threw these words over her shoulder and left. We started having lunch. The atmosphere was tense. The father just asked:

  “Maybe it wasn’t worth it?”

  “It was worth it, of course. And you finally turned out to be useful,” John said. We finished our meal in silence, and when we were leaving, Dad and John exchanged a few words and went our separate ways.

  “How are you feeling, my girl?” The father was clearly armed.

  “I just felt hot.”

  “Maybe the dress is too small in size?” — He asked, examining me.

  “No, daddy, it is just right.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to see a doctor?”

  “Yes, I’m fine, fine. Just a lot of impressions. Let’s go for a walk through the city streets, if you don’t mind.”

  My father did not refuse. And in the evening, when we boarded the train, I fell asleep almost immediately.

  When we returned, grandma asked dad at dinner:

  “Son, has John already told you when they will arrive?”

  “I’m afraid they won’t come anytime soon,” he said.

  “What does it mean?!” Lady Winnes demanded and began tapping the table with her knuckles.

  “They have difficulties in their retionship.”

  “What kind of difficulties could this scoundrel have?!” — the grandmother began to speak in a raised tone, “he simply does not respect that I spent my time raising him as a wonderful grandson to the delight of his grandmother. It’s your fault. You should have forced him. Are you a father or not?!”

  “I am the father of this young man. That is why I believe that he himself has the right to choose what to do,” dad retorted.

  “What do you know about choice? You have already chosen the woman you wanted and what came of it? You didn’t pay enough attention to your son, and also this…” She contemptuously pointed her finger in my direction.

  “Well, that’s enough, mother!” — the father fred up, “You are not alone here. With all due respect to you, your grandchildren can figure out for themselves what they want. They must remain full-fledged people, and not become pawns in someone else’s hands. I won’t allow this. We’ll talk to you ter when you’re ready for a calm discussion.”

  He took my hand. I just finished my tea. We went out into the hall and I asked:

  “Dad, why was Amber so upset?”

  Dad rubbed his forehead and said:

  “You see, daughter, not everyone can say what they think. Although your brother tries to hide his weaknesses, he still has them. He is not perfect, like all of us. They broke off the retionship. He couldn’t tell her about it because he felt sorry for her. But she reacts quite violently to his negative comments about something. So he asked me to talk about it. Only she got even angrier. Well, I hope that in time she will find a good person to her liking. And your brother will decide for himself how to live.”