Jemdins

  Void.

  A vast bleak bckness only decorated my small motes of dust that disappear into the fog above.

  Confused, and finally coming to my senses after lethargically standing up. I look around me, there is nothing but darkness.

  There is no wind, no sound, no smell. Only me, and the distant horizon that blurs into nothingness.

  Below me, on the ground I am standing on top of light.

  A stark contrast to the darkness surrounding me, the entire vastness of bck is divided into two by the white coming from the ground. Even with the brightness, the darkness around me stands unabated.

  Despite the harsh light coming from the luminous surface, my eyes don't hurt when staring at it.

  Shifting around, it feels as if I am standing on top of gss, the dull but melodic sound of its surface being hit by my foot sounds simir, but while a normal gss door would simply make a crystal like sound, this "ground" makes a sound that echoes strangely.

  Looking down, I see a reflection of "myself".

  A girl, average in height, with dark hair and dark eyes stares back at me with a tired expression.

  Beyond the gss-like surface, there seemed to be something under it. But I couldn't discern anything beyond faint silhouettes and shifting patterns. Kind of like when you close your eyes and stare at darkness through your eyelids, but white instead.

  Somehow, I had a feeling that instead of me "standing" on top of the "ground". I was under the surface, standing upside down instead. As if, despite the gravity pulling me down, I was inside an inverted pool with the true surface being beneath my feet. And the darkness around me being the depths of something instead of the "sky".

  Having nothing to do in this strange pce, I begin walking.

  The sound of my footsteps in the clear and crystal-like surface echoed around the vast emptiness.

  For a while, I simply wandered. I did not feel tired, or sleepy and neither hungry. Not full, but not empty either.

  Eventually, I see something in the distance.

  A floating shape, barely discernible, with a soft red glow. Despite the arguably menacing color, it bobbed up and down and swayed left and right while it moved somewhere. Like a wisp, I felt like it was not something dangerous.

  Like a moth to a mp, I increased my walking speed in its direction to see whatever it is up close.

  It has three triangle-like shapes that float statically around a main body that has some appendages rigidly floating behind it like tails. A small robot looking creature that could fit in the palms of my small hands. The red glow I saw earlier came from an optical opening in its front.

  When it turned towards me, its triangle parts suddenly detached and twirled around the core part, as if it was thrilled about something, and then the creature that resembled a robot flew towards me and began floating around me in circles.

  The only sound that I heard coming from it was the cutting of air and a tinny sound that resembled the switching of a fuse lever if reproduced digitally.

  Eventually, it stopped inspecting me and it just floated there, following me in silence with its curious red iris.

  I reached out and managed to grab it, but even after poking it, twisting and squishing it. There were no reactions other than it protesting by squirming out of my hands and going back to watching me.

  I didn't know what to do with it, so I continued wandering.

  And then I woke up.

  …

  I looked up at the wooden ceiling, sleepily blinking and yawning. And only after an untold number of minutes rolling about in bed in a half-awake state was that the contents of the strange dream finally hit my head.

  "...Even in dreams, I am becoming a girl now."

  Muttering this to myself, I fell back asleep.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  Another day, another dime.

  'Is that how that saying went?...' I said that to myself on a whim, but it didn't really apply to anything I had been doing tely. There isn't even a currency in the vilge in the first pce.

  Having just gotten out of bed after spending a good hour rolling around on top of it since waking up. My daily routine went on like always.

  Brush my hair, wash my face, stretch, put on clothes, start an entry in my diary so I don't forget to fill it ter, and leave to eat breakfast.

  I was just going to grab a fruit from the fruit bowl when I noticed.

  "...Huh."

  I can see above the countertop now.

  'My height used to go only up to the point where my forehead would be right at its height. I'd need to stand on my tip-toes to be able to see what's on top of it properly.'

  It is surreal to experience these changes in perspective once again.

  Not that I perfectly remembered what it felt like when I was a kid for the first time, but the joy of being able to reach higher things is familiar in a nostalgic way.

  'On another note… being tall also has its disadvantages.' I thought to myself, remembering how my feet used to always hang off the side of my bed. Being smaller and able to fit into small pces reduces the costs of comfort, something I only realized after growing up and seeing the absurd prices bigger mattresses could reach.

  'Growing up is nice, but also scary.' Just imagining the impending troubles that come with adulthood made me have goosebumps. Not to mention that I am now… a girl. And that comes with its own set of new challenges.

  I gingerly touch my horns, their rough texture in my fingers a reminder of my own circumstances.

  'I also often wonder… just what are the origins of this body of mine?'

  At first gnce one would think "Dragon!".

  …That would be nice.

  Unfortunately, I certainly did not feel like one. Even if I was one I would rather not… have to deal with the implications. The elves don't really care, but the stigma that this race carries would be something I wouldn't be able to handle.

  I don't breathe fire, nor have mighty strength and endurance. I am very certain that normal animals don't sprout flowers when watered. Though I could be wrong, this is a fantasy world after all. I'm abnormally strong in certain areas I admit, more than what an average person could be through natural means. But I wouldn't call myself "powerful".

  At least, not anywhere powerful enough to be comparable to the might of what I think a dragon should be.

  'What am I? What am I not?' I try shaking the thoughts out of my head. It wasn't the first time I had this debate with myself, and they always lead to dead ends. 'I don't know what I want… but if I am to find out about all these things, I need to search in new pces. And to do that, I need to leave Daivette.'

  It is hard to feel positively when I am being constantly reminded of my strange mortality. A dichotomy between my body, my soul, and my thoughts that whittles down the will to wake up everyday.

  I felt tied down. With myself and my past. And with others in the bonds made along the way.

  Biting down the st piece of the fruit I had been eating, I taste the abundant bittersweet fvour and chew the overly fibrous thing. Honestly it is not my favorite fruit, I would even say that I dislike it, but got used to it after some time.

  A tiny voice in the back of my subconscious that resembled my own told me that I was just being too zy to prepare something tastier. So I shouldn't be compining that I picked the one thing in the fruit basket that I disliked.

  With those lingering thoughts, I finished breakfast and left to meet up with Gaviel.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  After Dahlia, the vilge Chief, announced that the trial of passage would be held ter that year, the vilgers weren't all that enthused.

  With the exception of the children in question.

  The oldest ones were already aware about the trials, they had already been honing their skills on their own time.

  The other, younger children are also aware of the trials, but to most of them were simply uninterested because it was such a far off thing that it was far away from their minds. The sense of urgency that comes with a finite lifespan will simply never make sense to them.

  In reality, the trial had become something so normal that it is treated more like a sort of graduation rather than a grand rite. With the exception of the elves that are actually wishing to go outside for long periods of time, without certainty of coming back.

  The trials have the sort of retionship with the elves that encourages "Hey! Let's go on an adventure!" in the eyes of the children, but to more mature elves it turns into "You have a job that needs going outside? Not if you don't have these skills on your resume!". Though all of the vilgers end up going through this rite one day, the most interested in it are the wayward youngsters that yearn for freedom and adventure, and the people that are interested in joining the rangers out of one desire or another.

  A big majority of the kids always go through what the elves call "the adventurer phase". Which I correted to something like teenage rebellion or something simir from my own world.

  I say "a majority" because there are always those few that end up not being appealed to the idea of braving the unknown world outside.

  Both of these situations are exacerbated by the elves' isotionist practices. On one side, people who want freedom and excitement. On the other hand, people who are content with their walls and don't see the point of risking it.

  The Rangers, a faction responsible for both defense and the miscelneous jobs that require going outside, sit on a sort of middle ground between the two. People who feel rather constricted in Daivette, but want to stay close to the vilge.

  'I thought the children would be more excited about this… guess I was mistaken.' There certainly exist some kids that can't wait for their turn to brave the great big world… but they are elves after all. It's not like they are in a rush, and the ones that are really committing their all to passing the trials often get distracted by other things that hamper their already slow progress. Like pying with the other kids and other events.

  There is nobody with that single-minded determination to achieve something great. This isn't some sort of camp preparing for war or a limited time tournament. It feels more like a mandatory schooling that has no time limit and no penalties if you fail or don't participate, so any pressure that could possibly exist is rendered nil, and the motivation that comes to incentivize people to go through all this comes entirely from self-interest. Self-interest that can be either altruístic or egoistical.

  And then there is me. The outlier.

  'I guess I fit in more in the adventuring side of things. But rather than doing this for fun… I don't know. I would say that I am doing this for a purpose grander than just a whim, but ultimately it is because of my selfish desires that I am going through all of this, so in the end my goals aren't all that different from the wayward teens.'

  I stood there contempting about life for a while.

  "Ghyah!?" Something cold touches the back of my shoulder, startling me.

  Turning around I see Gaviel. Whose expression remains as stoic as ever. His leather gloves were surprisingly chilly, it must have been because of the recent cold weather.

  "I called out to you many times, but you were spacing out."

  "Ah… sorry." I flush a little, embarrassed. And remembering why I was here in the first pce.

  After Samyra and I had a talk, she told me to seek out Gaviel. Not only to fulfill that agreement they had long ago, but also because either way he is one of the people that end up helping with training others that go through the trials.

  I didn't know where he was, so I decided to wait somewhere I knew he usually passed though. But got distracted while waiting.

  "I… um…" My head suddenly goes bnk. I went through the trouble of going all the way here but when it came to asking him to help me I felt egregiously embarrassed.

  It's one thing to be offered help and support and to accept it, but to ask for it? It should be a simple affair, but a strangely prideful part of me was dying of anxiety and mispced fears that kept me from moving forward.

  I take a minute to gather my courage again. The fact that he just stood there patiently waiting for me to continue just made everything worse.

  ".......would...could you maybe…" I stuttered. "….I want to get started on the trials."

  Gaviel takes a moment to think over my words.

  "The rite of passage… Already?"

  I tilt my head, curious about what he is about to say.

  "It has… been only 3 years…" A metaphorical blink of time in his perception. "...Already?" He repeats himself, looking away.

  "Yes."

  "Have your guardians given you their permission?"

  "...Yes." While true, Samyra certainly made her objections known.

  She hadn't outright forbidden me from trying out, but she was not very happy about it.

  Curen tried to smooth things over to the best of his abilities. One side wants to go, and the other doesn't. There isn't a compromise that can be peacefully reached in between these choices, in the end, my departure would be a finality no matter how it is deyed. This had left the couple in a somber mood as of te.

  "Very well." Gaviel ascertained. "To think that the feral child I found in the woods has come so far already."

  "Hey!... I… I tried my best!"

  "Yes you did." He replies. "But now you must learn how to live independently."

  "The trial is a challenge to overcome. But ultimately simple in execution, most of the abilities necessary to pass it are ingrained in Elves during their childhood."

  In fact, this whole trial business shouldn't be something that Syuufarin needs to concern herself with in the first pce. As an outsider, nobody has the right to stop Syuufarin from leaving herself. The elven traditions and rites do not account for such occurrences, and as such there has never been any considerations made.

  Nobody told Syuufarin about this though.

  As an honorary denizen of Daivette, more people worried about the wayward child than not, despite her being a foreigner. If syuufarin had been an adult there would be a different story. But since the situation is like this, the trials turned into an instrument aimed towards keeping the girl here just a while longer.

  "You are going to start from the absolute bottom, however, because you are beginning this early, the opportunity to address this issue arises."

  I sigh. 'I don't want to go live in the forest again… but I guess there isn't any escaping this.'

  Gaviel yawned. "It's still early in the morning… Thankfully I had no pns today. For now, how about I tell you of the animals active during this season?" He dove right into it, beginning with the first thing he could think of.

  I nod and follow behind him.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  3 Years since the death of █████ ██████████

  'It feels like so much time has passed, but at the same time, not.'

  Looking back, high-school took three years to end too. And that time-frame felt like nothing compared to the time I lived here.

  There is no telling how long, exactly, I will be able to exist in this world. The passage of time and my dealings with mortality have turned into sour and complicated topics after coming here. Back then I worried about having a stable job at 15, and if I would have a family in my 40's. So much stuff to stress over.

  'Now I'm just… drifting.'

  Not to say that I don't have goals and desires in mind. I simply don't have anything to do other than coast through life and see where it takes me. There is no goal to chase or duty to fulfill, no path to take. Only an open world where I can go anywhere I want.

  'Such a degree of freedom… is uncomfortable.'

  It's nice. Enjoyable. But as someone used to always knowing where to go and what to do. Having my metaphorical walls and floor taken down and being left in a wide open expanse. It's very easy to lose my way.

  I used to be a simple man with simple goals. Get a job, get money, and try to enjoy other things while doing these. Read, py video-games in my free time. Maybe get a house one day. Nothing complicated, a list of objectives to complete that pretty much anyone would have.

  'Unambitious.'

  I resigned myself and became comfortable with being aimless. But if there's one thing I can do… is to do my best whilst letting fate take me wherever it wants.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  Gaviel taught me lots of things. Most about how to rough around in the forest so I don't end up dead.

  One of the very first things he drilled into my head was what is safe to eat and what is definitely not. Along with a disturbing amount of pnts that are poisonous.

  'I think I… traumatized him a little back then.'

  In my defense I really didn't know better, but now after he very pointedly and desperately made me learn about what, exactly, were the things I shoved into my mouth out of hunger… I'm gd to be even alive right now.

  Then, came bow practice.

  It was a whole thing.

  The forms, the technique, the mentality.

  Gaviel walked me through it. I sort of could use the great bow —The very big one he has that is bigger than me— but my arms are simply too short.

  Instead, I got handed the shortbow.

  Small, doesn't punch as hard, or as far. But it is nimble and quicker to draw. There are many, many things in the forest that the shortbow just isn't going to work. Sheer size, scales, hide, carapace. The animals, mostly monsters, that reside in the forest are better taken care of with the power behind the huge arrows the rangers carry. Something the size of a shortbow is barely if at all used outside, but it makes an excellent training tool for the kids.

  Anyways.

  I'm not a fan of the bow and arrow. The whole thing was interesting at first… but for the life of me I couldn't get it right.

  Gaviel corrected my posture and tried, very hard, to help my aim. I never hit the target, and the way I pulled the drawstring back and held the bow felt awkward no matter what way I tried.

  It's easier with magic because with some creative push and visualisation I can sort of guide my shots. It's simple to imagine a targeting system even if it works off a vague feeling of "go there" while pulling with a sixth sense sort of thing.

  And even then, despite being simpler in execution it is still hard. Like trying to aim properly with a computer mouse set at the highest sensitivity setting, except the mouse is four dimensional and feels like a floppy water balloon.

  At least I have some control over all that.

  With arrows though? I couldn't even get them to sit on the string right, less said about my aim. I'm better off just taking the arrow itself and stabbing it directly on whatever target.

  Gaviel… postponed the bow lessons for now.

  He doesn't like my over reliance on magic.

  In a certain way, I kind of get it. It's good to have more options avaible, and if I get caught off guard and somehow get cut off from using magic I would be in a bad situation.

  It's just… frustrating.

  After doing so well in everything else it feels like I got punched in the gut. Not like I was expecting it to be easy, perhaps I would get better with time and effort. Just how much effort, exactly, was what discouraged me.

  I will keep on going.

  。。。

  My lessons in magic didn't stop either.

  My time got taken up with Gaviel, but it is not like I spent the entire day with him, he also had other things to do.

  I got all my fundamentals down, at least the minimum to begin going into more intermediate stuff. As some mages say, "The grandiosity of magic has depths and heights no one has ever got to end of."

  The "basics" that I know of can be, and have been expanded into different branches that have grown into their own parallel ways. With each ramification also being able to interact with what is considered the mainstream techniques.

  The art of enchanting items, for example, can be considered one such way that magic splits off in a different direction. Despite its differences, it is just another way to answer the same questions. Maybe it is more efficient in certain areas and unique in others, at the core of it, it is still magic, working within the same principles using different methods.

  One way to look at it. I am using the 1+1 method to get a result of 2. And there is a way to use the 2x1 method, or even the √Ⅳ method. They scale and work on different rules and patterns, but ultimately can be interchanged to acquire the same answer.

  In this analogy, enchanting would be as if the practitioner used a carved version that symbolizes the same thing. It's not as versatile compared to the mental gymnastics that a mage does on the fly. It takes more work, but they can drop and pick up the carving anytime they want, along with making many more modifications that expand their abilities beyond the spells a mage has. Since they use a physical medium instead of channeling.

  I'm getting off topic.

  So, magic.

  I began learning concurrent chanting.

  Basically, it's multitasking on another whole level. And also a step inside the world of intermediate and advanced css spells.

  It was easy at first, the beginning started with doing magic while moving, and doing other actions simultaneously. As someone that is an expert at walking and using a phone at the same time it was jokingly easy.

  Then it was doing magic while being chased, that was harder.

  And after that, it was attempting to maintain the concentration needed to do magic while being in active combat. Which… went as well as it sounds.

  …

  Curen ughed in sadistic glee as he lobbed –retively harmless– bolts of mana at me.

  "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!?"

  "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT." He shouted after throwing a curveball that grazed my head as I ducked, cackling all the while in that deranged way he often does. "LESS TALKING MORE CASTING!"

  "AAAAAH!!!"

  …

  I'm not sure if he was acting to look more menacing or if he was enjoying my suffering.

  Working under pressure was a whole new thing. I'm used to the pressure that comes with deadlines and etcetera but that was more of the stressful type of pressure. The pressure of actual danger is something that I eventually got a little bit more used to, just enough to pass Curen's evaluation.

  I can sort of get a spell going while running now, but if I get distracted or interrupted I still end up fumbling the spell.

  And this is just the beginning of what encompasses the art of concurrent chanting.

  The following weeks felt like torture.

  Intermediate spells, other than being more complex, often come with not one, but two matrices that need to be manifested simultaneously.

  That means picturing and solving what boils down to two formus at once.

  I never said I was good at math.

  The years I spent in school gave me a good head start on everything, magic is a sort of science after all, despite all of its fantastical and mysterious nature.

  Doing the same spell over many times is easy, you know the formu, and just copy and paste it. The limiting factor is your focus and your mana.

  Intermediate spells however, work entirely differently. It's not simply two separate formus. Rather, it becomes sort of like two complex gear wheels that function off each other. One function that feeds the other.

  While simple spells work like input -> output, In a fire and forget way. The spells that conjoin formus together need constant focus.

  And that is the name of the game. Focus.

  To split off in many parts and directions, and maintain it even under duress and pressure without deviation.

  This intensive training combined with the ongoing training I was going under Gaviel left me ragged both physically and mentally.

  There were times where I got tempted to give up.

  To just… stop, and let things be. To lie down and not stand back up for a long, long time. It's not like taking a break would end things.

  But… if I stopped, or rexed too much I felt like I wouldn't be able to get back up.

  So I kept going forward.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  There were times… when I was alone and the stars in the sky seemed more distant than usual.

  I thought to myself.

  'It's nice.'

  The thought was den with… not loathing, or distaste. But a mixed bag of uncertainty that made me want to scratch the walls and run away.

  '...Too nice.'

  A gnawing sensation of restlessness.

  Since the beginning, when I came to this vilge, everyone has been nice, understanding and caring.

  People accommodated me, fed me, taught me, made space even when I intruded into their lives.

  They smiled, took care of each other, helped in times of need.

  The cook, Crocus, ever the storyteller and good company, gave me little scraps when I hung out around the kitchen.

  Granny, like an old tree, massive in size and with a presence that is always there. Always knows what to do.

  The farmers, the artisans, and everyone in between. Laughed boisterously and csped arms together in grand shows of comradery. Competing. Supporting. Even if I haven't ever interacted with them much. Like distant clouds in the sky, I could rest in their shadow whenever I could.

  Gaviel, a silent bastion, and guiding hand.

  Curen and Samyra… troublesome guardians. But Irrepceable.

  'I care about them.'

  But… this "care" feels shallow.

  Because I am in debt to them, because of gratitude, because I believe they are deserving and should do what I must to honor their generosity.

  Because that is the right thing to do.

  In my heart, though, I asked myself: Why do all this when you haven't even tried to get to know them? They are acquaintances at best. You are a freeloader that takes their time and resources for granted and is pnning to leave them to gallivant around with no destination in mind.

  Because you are weak. A coward that doesn't want to pay their dues. And just a lost kid that is so, so terrified of getting attached to these wonderful people.

  A selfish, rotten piece tells me to settle this debt of gratitude and leave as soon as possible. I don't want to work, don't want to think about how they look at me, and don't want to worry about them.

  I don't know how. I don't know why. I just want to be left alone.

  It's exhausting to care about other people.

  It feels… horridly awful.

  To receive blessings and repay them with revulsion.

  Logically speaking, it makes sense to be grateful.

  And I am.

  'But people are not all totally logical creatures, are they?'

  As much as I wished that my feelings and decisions could be guided by virtues, I recognized that I am not really that type of honest person. It is much easier to be selfish than it is to be selfless.

  Like a child that is drawn by their desires, hopelessly chasing a fluttering butterfly.

  Except, they are also accompanied by the responsible and sour mind of a mature person.

  Guilt? Passion? Love? Despair? Happy? Sad? Panic? Peace? I couldn't understand what I felt. Still don't.

  My head hurts as much as my heart does. Why do emotions have to be so complicated?

  I don't know when. I don't know where. Has my heart always bled so persistently?

  'If all this was just me, or some consequence of my body, I can't tell.'

  It would be easy to bme someone or something.

  Because I don't want to deal with it.

  Guilt.

  People.

  Emotions.

  Responsibility.

  But at the end of the day, I still care. Despite my selfishness, despite being filled with unreasonable anguish and other traitorous thoughts. I still seek their wellbeing and recognition even through the tiredness and the depression.

  It was then, In a night where the sky was clear and the stars seemed just a little closer than usual…

  …That I realized there might be something more to these feelings than what I thought.

  'Love… is difficult.'

  。。。

  On a particurly chilly morning, Samyra and Curen awoke and went through their morning routine as usual.

  As usual, Syuufarin woke up te and the pair had already been eating breakfast for some time. She greeted them with a quiet wave while rubbing her eyes and tugging her unruly bed-hair out of her eyes before joining them.

  Samyra wordlessly fixed the girl's dress that was slipping down her shoulder as she ate, Syuufarin giving a mute reaction to her.

  After eating, Syuufarin, seeming a little more awake than before, went back to her room to change out of her sleeping clothes.

  Just before she left the house to meet with Gaviel, Samyra raised her voice "Bye! Love you!"

  Curen, who was taking his time with his food, blinked twice in surprise. Usually she would say "take care" instead, so he thought that was unusual.

  Syuufarin froze at the door. "..." Clenching and unclenching the hand that was holding the knob, after a moment, she turned her head slightly, just enough for her to see Samyra in the periphery of her vision.

  "...Love you too."

  Her voice was barely a mumble, hesitantly and half-heartedly said. But somehow Samyra heard it clear as day.

  Before anyone could do anything Syuufarin quickly closed the door and left.

  ""..."" A moment of silence passed.

  "HEY! HEY!" Samyra shook Curen back and forth in ecstatic glee. "D-DID YOU HEAR THAT!?" She squealed. "I haven't misheard that right?! She said it! She said 'you too'!"

  Curen couldn't get anything done that day because someone kept bouncing all around the house for the entire day.

  ——— –– –– -- - -

  A/N: Tried doing some concept art! Because I felt like it!

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  Today’s Shower Quote: “Just as every human face is different, so too are the worlds we all dream of. Some people are just incompatible.” — Frederick Bulsara, Guilty Gear Strive