Watching the state of Connecticut pass from his Amtrak window, Joe had a few hours to ponder the last eight weeks, a long train of thought running through his eighteen-year-old head. He sensed this was the most important summer of his life. Last summer, 1978, felt the same as the band spent weekends playing beach clubs, building a following, and making cold hard cash. What might next year bring… or was it all over?

  It felt like he was at a crossroads in life, at age eighteen! These things shouldn’t come so early. Teenagers aren’t prepared for this. As the train rolled through pastoral southern Rhode Island, Joe wondered how he could manage a double life with his sisters in Providence and Tina in New York. Could he pull that off without disappointing the most important women in his life… all four of them? He had no clue.

  The rural landscape turned suburban, and then urban. Joe’s chest tightened up. He was expecting to get roundly taken to task for overstaying in New York, not enough phone calls, and general worry and disappointment - the usual stuff. Walking through Union Station he realized he’d never been inside the Providence train station before. He walked across Burnside Park carrying his guitar case, duffel bag, and backpack. He sat on a bench in Kennedy Plaza and waited for the Ten Bus. He was home.

  Joe had six arms around his body before the door closed behind him. Jeanie around his waist, Jules claimed his torso, and Jackie had his neck. He placed his baggage on the floor and kissed the tops of their heads. It wasn’t an excited reunion. Jeanie yelped when he walked in and they quietly went to him.

  The hugs were silent until Jules looked up. “What did you get me? You said you had a surprise for me.”

  “Take it easy,” Joe said as Jackie released his neck. “I’ll get around to that.”

  Jackie had a look in her eyes Joe knew too well. “You lied to me,” she said. “You broke your promise.”

  “I didn’t lie but I did break my promise and I feel terrible about that. Can we talk about it later?”

  That’s all it took to initially disarm Jackie, admit you are wrong, or did wrong, and she could get past whatever it was… in time. She and Joe both had the grudge-holding gene. They got it from Mom. Those kinds of people need apologies.

  “Okay,” she said. “I’m glad you’re home.”

  “Me too,” Jeanie said, the last sister still hugging.

  Mom watched from across the kitchen. She smiled. That’s weird. Joe was expecting the traditional shrill scolding and finger-wagging, and then … Mom put her arms out. Joe hesitated, glanced at Jackie, and then he went to Mom… cautiously. As they embraced Joe couldn’t remember the last time they shared a hug like this. It wasn’t a forgiveness hug following a fight. They weren’t hugging out tragedy or sadness. It was an embrace of love. That’s weird.

  Mom exhaled audibly, “Welcome home. I’m glad you’re safe.”

  “I’m glad to be home. I have something for you.” Joe reached into his pack. “It’s not a big deal.” He pulled out an envelope. “I think you’ll like this.”

  He watched his Mom open the envelope and remove prayer cards from St Patrick’s and St John The Devine in Manhattan, as well as postcard photos of each grand cathedral. Mom held them in her hand with a faint smile.

  “This is sweet of you,” Mom looked Joe in the eyes. “Did you go to mass?”

  “Let’s not get crazy here, Ma,” he smiled. “I went into the candle altar thingy. I was going to swipe a candle for you but they were giving these away, so that saved me from breaking a commandment.”

  Mom smiled, actually finding something Joe said amusing. Joe glanced at Jackie with an expression of confusion. Mom hugged him lightly. “Thank you. Now give the girls their gifts. I think Jeanie is going to pee herself.”

  Joe’s jaw dropped. He looked at his sisters. “Did she just make a joke?”

  “I told ya,” Jackie said. “It’s been really weird around here.”

  Joe looked at Jeanie and pointed. “Go to the bathroom. I’ll give gifts as soon as you get back.” Jeanie ran off. “And don’t forget to flush.”

  Mom followed Jeanie to the other side of the house. Jackie leaned against her brother. Jules sat at the kitchen table, hands folded, waiting for her surprise.

  “I have so many stories,” Joe said. “New York is… I don’t have one word that would do it justice.” He lifted his duffle bag onto the table.

  Jeanie returned, sliding in her stockings on the kitchen linoleum. “I’m back.”

  “I can see that.” He unzipped the bag and pulled out a package wrapped in brown shopping bag paper. He had scribbled in colored markers, skyscrapers, the arch, the ferry, a slice of pizza, punk rock cartoon characters with mohawks of various colors, and one girl with purple hair. He handed it to Jules.

  Joe knew his cartoon sketches would mean as much to her as the books inside the paper. She began carefully unwrapping to preserve the artwork. Joe handed Jeanie a long cardboard tube, also decorated with his cartoons.

  Jeanie smiled, “What is it?”

  “A baby elephant,” Joe shook his head. “Open the end.”

  Joe reached into the bag and pulled another package out, wrapped in tissue paper. He handed it to Jackie.

  Jules was still opening her gift with paper-saving caution. Jeanie couldn’t figure out the tube. Jackie began removing her paper.

  This is so cool, Jules said, looking at the first book.

  “Pull the and of the tube off,” Joe instructed Jeanie.

  Jackie gasped, “This is beautiful.” She held an artsy-hippie blouse up. She looked at Joe. “You picked this out?”

  “I know the girl who made it by hand. She hopes you like it.”

  “I love it.”

  “And her classmate made those bangle thingies.”

  “They go perfectly with this top.”

  “I know.”

  “Posters?” Jeanie asked, looking into the tube.

  Jules held her book up for Jackie to see, “It’s about how all the New York City parks were built, with lots of pictures, and maps.” She held up another book. “And this is ancient.”

  “That’s a first print from 1895. I have no clue who that author is or if it’s good but you love mysteries.” Joe smiled at Jules. “That’s a musty old mystery. Smell the book.”

  Jules sniffed it. Her eyes got big. “That’s amazing. It smells like an old library.”

  “Isn’t it great?”

  Jules got up and wrapped her arms around him.

  “What’s wrong with you,” Joe took the tube from Jeanie as Jules held him. He removed the posters and then handed them to her to unroll.

  Jackie leaned against him. “Thank you. This is so cool. I can’t wait to wear it.”

  “She’s working on another one.”

  “For me?”

  “I need to know if that one fits.”

  “I hope your boobs fit inside.” Jeanie smiled as she revealed her first poster. “David Bowie!” She peeled it off to see the second, “Freddie!” and the third… “Blondie!”

  Joe turned the tube over. A pile of stickers fell onto the table.

  “Oh, cool.” Jeanie hugged his waist. “Will you put my posters up for me?”

  “Yes, I knew I was making work for myself with those.”

  “What did you get Dad?” Jackie asked.

  “I’ll give him what he likes most, stories. Where is he?”

  “Helping Uncle Ray with his car, again.”

  “What would Dad do with all his free time if he didn’t have three brothers?” Jackie asked.

  “Yeah, being the oldest can be a drag,” Joe said, making wide eyes at his sisters.

  “You love us,” Jeanie smiled.

  Joe nodded. “That’s why I came back… and why I’ll always come back.”

  Dad arrived just as dinner was being served. He smiled at Joe, they embraced, and the family sat down for pot roast dinner. As Mom said grace, Joe looked around the table to see if anyone opened their eyes.

  “Foul,” he declared. “Grace doesn’t count. Jeanie peeked. We need a redo.”

  “How would you know if you had your eyes closed?” Jules asked.

  “I don’t do grace. I just keep an eye on you.”

  Mom did not redo Grace.

  “Tell us about New York,” Jackie said as she served herself. “I bet it was amazing.”

  “It was. I met so many cool people, we played in three clubs and we have a fourth lined up for when we get back. I visited a recording studio and so many record shops I lost count.”

  Joe told his family tales of freaky punks, his new friend from London, and how incredible his time in New York City was. He did not mention barroom brawls, heroin, Simon’s assault, or the main reason he stayed behind, the cartoon girl with purple hair.

  —-- BORN AGAIN —--

  Mom pulled Joe out to the front porch after dinner. “I had a long talk with your sister.” She sat in a wicker chair.

  “Which one?” Joe leaned against the porch railing.

  “Jackie.”

  “I was gone eight weeks. I would hope you talked.”

  “Why do you always wisecrack?”

  “Some people like that about me.”

  “When you called to tell her you were staying longer than planned she was very upset, for two days.”

  “I know. I felt bad making that call.”

  “I don’t understand why you had to stay in New York for two months.”

  Joe felt a scold was brewing. “It doesn’t matter, Ma. I’m home, and everything is fine.”

  “I know,” she reached over and touched his hand. “But you should have called more, as you had promised her.”

  “I understand, but…” Joe decided to make no excuses. “I’m sorry I didn’t call enough but I did send seven postcards. It’s not like I forget my family.”

  “Jeanie loved them. After the first card arrived she ran to the mailbox every day hoping for another. Each card made her so happy.”

  “So, I didn’t do so bad after all, right?”

  “I suppose not,” Mom said with a slight smile. Then her expression turned earnest. “I sense you’re leaving us, maybe not now, but soon. I feel sad about it but I’m learning to accept it. I’m trying my best. I talked to Jackie and she feels the same. She says it’s fate, she has the…”

  “Yes, your Dubois ESP. “

  Mom always insisted that she gave Jackie an ESP gene, a trait Mom got from her mother. The Dubois women had clairvoyance… or so they claimed.

  “Ma, why are you telling me this?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand and I love you. I think you’re going to be okay.” She put her hand over his. “I’m praying that you will be. It seems to be working.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Joe smirked. “It was your prayers that kept me safe.”

  “They didn’t hurt. You came home and made everyone happy.”

  “That’s a first.”

  “No, it’s not. Some of us just had trouble showing it.”

  “Pfft.’ Joe shook his head. “Some of us?”

  Mom stood, looking Joe in the eyes, and embraced him for just a moment. She cupped his cheek with her hand and walked inside. That was weird.

  After hanging Jeanie’s posters, which meant moving other posters, and rearranging two walls of teeny-bopper decor, Jeanie sat on her bed. She held a metal, hand-painted box Joe had made her years ago to hold the trinkets she collected. He sat beside her on her bed as she opened it.

  “Thank you for the postcards. I love them.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Did you really go to all these places?”

  “I did but I have a confession. I bought five cards all at once when I first arrived. I didn’t send any until I went to the thing on the card.”

  “That was smart," she said. "That gave you a list of places to go.”

  “Exactly. I bought the last two when we decided to stay longer.”

  “I will save them forever.”

  “That’s fine but you’re gonna need a bigger box. I plan on sending you postcards from every city my life takes me… all over the world.”

  Jeanie looked up with love in her eyes.

  After his time with Jeanie, he sat with Jules in the living room looking at her NYC Parks book, showing her all the parks he’d been to, with stories of who he was with… like Sal stepping in dog shit and his friend Tina walking along the Hudson River.

  He then instructed Jackie to meet him in the dungeon in ten minutes. The moment she walked into his room, “Who’s that lady upstairs?” Joe got to the point. “This is some Invasion Of The Body Snatchers shit, isn’t it?”

  Jackie smiled and sat on the end of Joe’s bed, perpendicular, back against the wall. “I told you she’s been chill. She’s been like this since you left. It’s like your going away made her realize she couldn’t hold you back anymore and she finally let go.”

  Joe stared at his sister thinking, ‘How does an almost fifteen-year-old deduce these things?’ “It’s fucking weird,” he said. “Are you sure she’s not taking meds?”

  “I don’t know of any.”

  “We’ll have to do a spy mission like the old days and check her medicine cabinet.”

  “Except we're not looking for Christmas presents.”

  “Our mother is on drugs!” Joe made a horror face of terror. “Argh!”

  “Can you do me a favor?” Jackie asked earnestly. “Since you broke your promise I think you owe me one.”

  “What is it?”

  “Just go with it. Don’t question her. If it’s medication, so what? She seems happy.”

  “We’ll see. Maybe my coming back will trigger her anxiety, like a delayed reaction. Let’s give it a week before we celebrate her rehabilitation.”

  “We’re all happy you’re back but I know it’s not for long.”

  “Okay, Miss Nostra-dumb-ass. If you say so.”

  “Joe, you broke a promise and that hurt. It really did. Then I realized it was the first time you ever broke a promise to me. I thought about it and figured something amazing must be happening in New York for you to do that, so I’m getting over it.”

  “A thousand amazing things happened.”

  “You still owe me.”

  “I gave you a blouse and bangles.”

  Jackie shrugged. “I can’t be bought like the others. What’s her name, your girlfriend who made the blouse?”

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  Joe smiled. Detective Jackie Theroux cracked another case. “Tina.”

  “So, she is your girlfriend?”

  Joe nodded, “And she’s amazing in a thousand ways.”

  “I want to know everything about the girl who made you break your promise to me.”

  “Will that make us square?”

  Jackie smiled. “It depends on how good your story is.”

  Joe told his sister all about Tina, how they met, how smart and beautiful she was, and that he’d never met anyone like her in his life.

  “I can’t even explain what it is,” he said. “She has this fun positive energy. She’s weird, artsy, and passionate. It’s just the way she is. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt.”

  When he finished, Jackie sat quietly for a moment. Jeanie walked in and jumped on the bed just as Jackie was about to ask a question.

  “So, you’re done with Sandy and Claire, and the others,”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Sandy called,” Jeanie said. “Like four times.”

  “And now she’s at college in Vermont. She’ll be fine.”

  Jeanie scrunched her nose. “Do you have a new girlfriend?”

  Joe nodded. “Can we keep it a secret?”

  “I’ll try.” Jeannie then changed the subject. “Is the subway fun?”

  “I don’t know if fun is the word I’d use. It’s crowded and stinky but convenient, so we used it a lot.”

  “I want to go on the subway.”

  “Someday, you will.”

  When Joe tucked the girls in that evening, Jules pulled him in close for a hug and whispered in his ear. “I heard you have a girlfriend in New York.”

  “I do, but let’s keep it between us, okay?”

  “That’s why I whispered.”

  The odds of three sisters not telling Mom Joe had a girlfriend in Manhattan were a gazillion to one against him. Two days later, after helping Mom get the girls off to school, they talked over a cup of coffee.

  “Okay, hon. Tell me about the girl.”

  “What girl?”

  “Do you think you can keep that from me after you told the girls?”

  Alice demanded the details: name, rank, serial number, height, weight, hair, eye color, how they met, what she was like, and so on.

  “Tina goes to mass. Her Mom is like you, a super Catholic.”

  “That’s nice, dear,” Mom scrunched her nose. “Did you say purple hair?”

  “I did,” Joe smiled. “And it’s absolutely fabulous, luxurious hair.”

  Mom shook her head. “Jesus, Mary & Joseph.”

  “T has better hair than all of them combined.”

  “Ya know,” Mom said, thinking. “You always had a thing for hair. You do your sisters’ hair all the time.”

  “That’s because they’re helpless.”

  “No, the girls like you doing it for them and you always enjoyed doing it.”

  “If this music thing doesn’t pan out, maybe I could become a hairdresser.”

  *****

  Very late in the evening, after the women were down for the night, Joe and Dad sat in the living room. Bill wanted details, and Joe gave him all of it, even the bad stuff. Dad asked a few questions but offered no judgment. He pondered Joe’s predicament. His son had made it clear; that the band was at a crossroads.

  “You want another beer?” he asked.

  “Sure,” Dad said.

  Joe went to the fridge leaving Dad to his thoughts. When he returned with two bottles, the old man had something to say.

  “You have to give Sal a chance to prove he’s on this and getting Johnny help. I agree with you that John Senior should be involved. If Sal drops the ball, you go to Johnny’s Dad.”

  “I don’t trust Sal will get this done.”

  “But he promised you he would, right?”

  “Yes, he did.”

  “Then you should give him a chance to keep that promise.”

  “How long should I give him?”

  “You’re a smart kid. I think you’ll know when the time comes.”

  Joe breathed in deep, then exhaled slowly. “I can’t go to bed like this, my mind is running a marathon. I have to end with something positive.” He looked up at Dad. “That’s a trick Dr. Nichols taught me.”

  “Okay, what good happened?”

  “I met someone special I want to tell you about.”

  “Alright.”

  “This Brit I mentioned at dinner, Simon McManus, he’s the bee's knees.”

  Dad laughed. “I thought it would be the girl.”

  —-- FLASHBACKS —--

  Janie twirled like a ballerina in the street. Her shoulder-length blonde hair flew outwards. She smiled, showing a gap where a tooth once was, a new tooth poking through. Her arms extended like the wings of a delicate bird. Her eyes met Joe’s. Her voice whispered.

  “You must go, Joe. Your life is not here.”

  “Janie!” He abruptly sat up in bed, sweating, his breathing erratic. He calmed himself and took a cleansing breath; a deep inhale, he held it a moment, and then slowly exhaled. He fell back to his pillow.

  The next morning Joe walked Jules and Jeanie to school, one in middle, one in elementary. It was a flashback to his younger teens. On the way back he stopped at the market, the deli, and a bakery. He would spend the entire day at home with his born-again mother and be there when the girls got home. Mom was so chill that it kind of freaked him out. He cooked dinner for the family, his cheese ravioli and meat sauce recipe, learned from Pops, with crusty bread, and a Caesar salad.

  On day two, he walked the girls home from school and helped Jackie cook dinner. He was happy doing what he had been trying to escape all these years. This surprised him. He suddenly found it hard to be alone. The solitude he once valued now felt lonely. Jules and Jeanie hung out in his bedroom listening to the records he brought home. He and Jackie snuck off one evening and walked to DePasquale Square for an Italian Ice. Two days later, they would take the girls along with them. The four siblings sat at a cafe table in the plaza, talking and eating ice cream.

  Joe had no interest in going to the garage. Sal had been home for twelve days, and Joe five days. He was afraid to go because he felt in his bones that Sal would not come through for Johnny. Sal was an enabler. He learned about that in therapy and from books he read on addiction at the New York Public Library. Joe dreaded walking into the confirmation that his instinct was correct, so, he put it off.

  Janie twirled like a ballerina in the street. Her shoulder-length blonde hair flew outwards. She smiled, showing the gap where her tooth once was, a new tooth poking through. Her arms extended like the wings of a delicate bird. Her eyes met Joe’s. Her voice whispered.

  “You must go, Joe. Your life is not here.”

  “Janie!” Joe sat up in bed, sweating. He put his face in his hands. “Fuck.” He fell back on his damp pillow.

  —-- FACE THE MUSIC —--

  Joe walked to the garage on day six. It was time to deal with the band. He had put it off long enough. He went to the garage on a Saturday morning after a Captain Crunch and Fruit Loops breakfast watching cartoons with Jules and Jeanie. He found Sal outside, working on the van. The garage door was open on a crisp sunny day.

  “Where the fuck have you been?” Sal asked, looking up from his work. “We thought you weren’t coming back.”

  “I got home Sunday afternoon. I needed time with my family.”

  “You couldn’t let us know you were in town?”

  Joe shrugged. “How’s Johnny?”

  “He was sick the first few days back but he’s good now.”

  “Have you talked to his dad?”

  Sal hesitated then spit it out. “No. Johnny asked me not to and said he’d clean up on his own.”

  “What the fuck, Sal? That was our deal. His old man would straighten his ass out and get him to rehab.”

  “When you see Johnny, I think you’ll be surprised. It’s been two weeks since he last used. He looks great.”

  “You negotiated with an addict and let him set the terms. Are you really that stupid?” Joe regretted that last line as the words left his lips.

  Sal took a step towards Joe. “You better watch yourself.”

  The heightened voices attracted Pops from inside the garage. He stood on the loading dock and saw Joe staring at Sal. Two feet away, Sal had a big wrench in his hand. Pops noticed Joe looking at that wrench. Sal then pointed the wrench at Joe.

  “Who the fuck are you to decide? Who put you in charge?”

  “I’m in charge of one thing, my life and what I do with it. How many times do I have to tell you? I won’t be in a band with a junkie.”

  “What you decide affects everyone.”

  “One more time. Sal.” Joe leaned in, his nose inches from the wrench. “I won’t watch Johnny kill himself. He needs rehab.” He glanced over, seeing Pops for the first time. Joe lowered his voice. “You decided to let Johnny off without treatment. That affects everyone.”

  “He‘s seeing a doctor.”

  “You’re still in denial, Sal, crossing your fingers and hoping for the best.”

  “Fuck you, Joe! I know your goddamn game. You want Simon in the band.”

  “Hey, lovebirds!” Pops yelled from the loading dock. “Enough of this shit. Calm down and come inside.”

  Sal and Joe glared at each other. Sal wiped his hands and closed the hood of the van. They walked in silence to the loading dock steps. Inside the garage, Pops offered Joe a coffee.

  Sal softened his tone. “You need to see Johnny before you write him off. He’s seeing the same doctor who treated him a few years back.”

  Joe took a sip of coffee at the kitchen table and stared silently while Sal rambled.

  “He’s going to an outpatient clinic he used back in high school. The doctor knows him well. He’s taking care of this. He looks good, Joe. You need to see him.”

  Sal just kept talking, repeating everything he’d said since he’d arrived, without anger. Joe knew Sal was wrong. The punks at Tommy’s said full rehab was the only way out. Even then, it was a long, hard road. Zip’s words rang in Joe’s ears, “Once an addict, always an addict.”

  “I’m not going to argue about this," Joe said. "You know where I stand.”

  “When you see Johnny, you’ll feel better.”

  “You lied to me, Sal. You promised me you’d call Johhny Bats.”

  “Things changed. He’s working on it. You need to see him.”

  Nate walked in at the perfect time. Near the end of the New York trip, Nate was beginning to see things Joe’s way, especially after the canceled job. Nate immediately knew what he walked in on.

  Sal threw him into the fire. “What do you think about Johnny right now?”

  Nate stood silent, for a few seconds, thinking. “I think he looks good and we should give him a chance.”

  “You’re okay with this outpatient plan?” Joe asked.

  Nate remained calm, not wanting to get drawn into the drama. “He’s done this before. Johnny has doctors. What more do you want?”

  Joe was disappointed in Nate. He honestly believed he was with him, standing against Sal’s denial. But he had caved in after Johnny had a good week.

  Sal had other news. “Most of our messages are club owners wondering when we’d be back. We have a new club in Portland, Maine interested in booking us.”

  “None of that matters if Johnny's not clean."

  Sal stared at Joe, slowly realizing he was having none of it. He knew finding clubs up north was part of Joe’s master plan and now he didn’t give a fuck about a bar in Portland. “You’re really gonna be an asshole about this, aren’t you?”

  Joe got up and walked toward the back of the garage, found an empty box, and went to his locker.

  Nate shouted. “Your girlfriends called too, Kelly and Claire. Claire left three messages.” He relished knowing Joe’s ex-girlfriend dread.

  “Yeah,” Sal said, “Claire called. I forgot to tell ya.”

  “Okay.” Joe nodded. “I’ll deal with that later.”

  He went back to his business. At his locker, he removed his notebooks and personal items. He placed them in the box. Sal and Nate watched Joe walk that box across the garage to the stereo. He flipped through vinyl, picking his records out and putting them in the box.

  Joe walked his box to the kitchen where Tony watched the silent drama. “Thanks, Pops. If you ever need a favor… something I can do for you, just tell me. You have many chips. I owe you.”

  “Be good, kid.” Tony shook Joe’s hand.

  Joe turned toward the heavy steel door.

  Sal stood up. “What are you doing, moving out?”

  “I never really lived here. I’ve always been half here and half home. I need these things, that’s all.”

  “Are you gonna come back and see Johnny?” asked Nate.

  “Yes, I will but it won’t change my mind. He needs rehab.” Joe stopped and looked back. “If he’s not clean and you won’t replace him, it’s over.”

  As Joe walked out and the door closed behind him, Nate called out. He caught up to Joe on the loading dock stairs. “Hey, man, I almost forgot. How’s Simon doing?”

  “Not good but he’ll recover. He’s got a long road ahead, months of rehab.” Joe gave Nate the barely perceptible nod. “Thanks for asking."

  Joe had made the walk between his home and the garage hundreds of times. The sixth-tenths of a mile never felt so long. He had hoped Sal would put Johnny on the right path as he had promised. That hope was gone.

  —— BIG EARS ——

  Since getting home, Joe had spoken to T every evening. He didn’t have a phone in his room so he sat at the kitchen table, the center of Theroux family life. He was under surveillance by three sisters and their spymaster. Sure, Mom was softer and more chill these days but she did not dismantle her spy network. Joe felt like a fourteen-year-old dealing with his prying siblings.

  “I told you,” He said, his stocking feet up on the table. “two of them are really smart, and one… “ he looked toward the girls. “we’re not so sure about.”

  Jules and Jeannie looked up from their homework. Joe hooked them on half of a fake conversation. T had put the phone down to pee. Joe was talking to no one.

  “I don’t know. She’s been to the doctor. No one knows.”

  Jules furrowed her brow. “Who are you talking about?”

  “Hold on T,” he looked at Jules. “Don’t be rude, big ears. I’m on the phone.”

  “Are you talking about us?”

  “It’s not your business. Stop being so nosey.”

  He went back to the phone, with T back on the line, confused.

  “Yeah, I told you, she has no manners,”

  Jules yelled. “Mom! Joe’s telling Tina that one of us is dumb and I don’t have manners!”

  Everyone in the house heard the tattle-tail whining. She caused a ruckus that got the little sisters sent to their room. Joe laughed. “T, did you hear her? That’s literally the soundtrack of my life, sisters snooping and prying and whining and needing things done for them. It never ends.”

  “And you love it.”

  “I love that I just used Jules’ big ears to get her banished to her room so we can talk privately. I do shit like that all the time. The girls are gullible, even Jackie. They trust me too much and I use that against them,”

  “Oh great,” Tina said, “Is this my future?”

  “Seven years of therapy will teach you a few things.” Joe paused. “I have powers of persuasion and manipulation.”

  Joe needed privacy for this phone call because he knew Tina had a terrible day. She was part of Simon’s rotation of visitors. She had promised Simon she’d be present on the day his bandages were removed for redressing.

  She talked through tears. “It’s horrible, Joe. He has hundreds of stitches. They had to shave his head and peel back his scalp to treat his cracked skull. The scars are going to be hideous. His cheek is a mess, but they’ll fix that soon.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you.”

  “It was hard watching Simon see his injuries for the first time. He tried to be strong but he broke down and wept on my shoulder.”

  “Was anyone else there?”

  “Yes, Tommy and Monk.”

  “Well, at least he cried on the right shoulder.”

  “How can you make jokes?”

  “I’m sorry. It’s either that or cry, and that’s not helping Simon.”

  —-- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN —--

  Joe heard the doorbell ring from his room. Someone answered the door. He strained to hear voices and then followed the footsteps across the house, looking up at his ceiling.

  “Joey!” Jackie yelled downstairs. “Claire is here!”

  “Fuck.”

  Joe knew this moment was coming but he had no intention of seeking it out. Claire was one of the passengers on his long train of thought. He slipped his Levis on.

  “Okay. Send her down.”

  Joe opened the door to his room and watched Claire’s silhouette come down the basement stairs. As she walked through the shadows of the basement, her facial expression was not, ‘Good to see you.’

  “Where have you been? I’ve called the garage. Are you getting my messages?”

  Joe let her pass and closed the door behind her. “I’ve only been to the garage once. Yes, Sal told me you called…” he paused. “I’m dealing with a lot of shit right now.”

  Claire sat on the end of his bed. “Sal said you spent the summer in New York. You never told me you were going there.”

  Joe sat on his bed but not too close. “I didn’t know at the time.”

  “And he said you stayed longer because a friend was in the hospital.”

  “Yes.”

  Claire stared at him. Joe offered nothing.

  “So, what’s the problem? Why haven’t you called me?”

  “First of all, I’ve never had your home number and I don’t have the number for your new dorm.”

  “I left Sal my number.”

  “That he didn’t give me. He only said you called.”

  “How long have you been back?”

  “Nine days.”

  “What problems are you dealing with that took up so much time you couldn’t try to reach me for nine days?”

  Joe exhaled, “I can only tell you if you promise it doesn’t leave this room.”

  Claire furrowed her brow. “Okay.”

  “You promise?”

  She scooted a little closer. “Yes. I promise.”

  “Johnny’s a drug addict. This is not new but I didn’t know how serious it was. I only knew that he did rehab years ago. In New York, he hooked up with some druggies and now he’s on heroin.”

  Claire exhaled, “Whoa, that is bad news.”

  “Our summer was fun but he made it… stressful at times.” Joe then told Claire the story in more detail; the change he saw in Johnny, the shitty gigs, babysitting, and drama. When he stopped talking, she moved closer again and put her hand on his.

  “I’m sorry. I missed you, Joe. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” Claire moved in to kiss him. Joe didn’t back away but he flinched a little. Her kiss landed on lips that didn’t feel welcoming. Claire leaned back.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Joe had weeks to think about this moment. He decided to use Dr. Nichols’ advice… when in doubt, honesty is the best path.

  “I met someone in New York.”

  Claire’s expression went flat, no reaction, and then she ever so slightly slumped her shoulders and looked away. There were no words for a painfully long seven seconds.

  “What do you mean… met someone?”

  “I met a girl, and we’re… “ Joe thought for a moment. “Her name is Tina. She’s an NYU student and we’re now a couple.”

  “You? With all the girls on the road?”

  “That’s over. I promised Tina that she would be the only one.”

  Claire’s arms went up, “How does that even work?” She stood abruptly and looked down at Joe. “She’s in New York and you’re here. How are you planning on making that work?”

  “I’ll be spending a lot of time in New York,’ he said quietly, pausing. “...because I love her.”

  “Love?” Claire rolled her eyes, “So soon? You’re in love?” She stepped away and faced the wall.

  Joe didn’t like Claire’s tone. It sounded condescending but he let it slide and kept his half of the discussion calm. She was quiet for a moment then turned to him with regret in her eyes.

  “I had an awful summer,” she said, stepping closer and sitting down beside him again. “I left camp early. I’ve been home for over a month.”

  “What happened?”

  “I was fine when I got there. Kevin and I did our usual thing but it didn’t feel right. I was thinking of us. I didn’t want to be with him. That didn’t go so well. He was an asshole. I stuck it out for a few weeks. All I could think about was you. So, I decided to come home two weeks early, but you weren’t here. I heard you guys went to New York but didn’t know the extent of it until Sal got back.”

  “I’m sorry,” Joe put his hand on hers.

  “Not as sorry as I am.”

  There was another moment of silence.

  “I fucked up, Joe. I felt it before I left but it didn’t fully sink in until I got to camp. I was hoping we could…”

  Joe interrupted, “You’re the one who didn’t want that.”

  “I know,” she said, “but the truth is, I did want us to be more. I was just selfishly thinking of my summer away and this trip to France, and… “ her eyes welled up. “I was wrong.”

  Joe hugged her. Claire’s eyes were misty but she kept her composure. She wiped her eyes and sniffed a bit. She wasn’t the emotional crying type. She didn’t say another word about her feelings or her mistake.

  “Tell me about her. NYU? How old is she?”

  “She’s a few months younger than you.” Joe then gave Claire the Tina Costello basics without the glowing review of how incredible she was.

  “And you’re done with girls on the road?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “And you think you can do that?”

  “I told you long ago that’s what I want.”

  “I guess I never believed it.”

  After an awkward few minutes of Joe telling Claire about New York, he escorted her out of the house to the front. Standing on the porch, she turned to him, made eye contact, and exhaled.

  “I’m gonna be keeping an eye on you. If that New York deal falls through...” She stepped off the porch. “Bye, Joe.”

  “I’ll see you around.”

  “Yes, you will.”

  Joe watched her drive off in her green Plymouth Duster wondering what she meant by that.

  —-- YOUR LIFE IS NOT HERE —--

  Joe stayed away from the garage for another full week. He had become skilled at sending passive-aggressive messages; canceling a gig, having Simon step on stage, saying what needed to be said knowing Johnny was listening in a stairwell, the whole box-filling drama, and his kind words to Pops. There was purpose in all of Joe’s words and actions regarding his band. Then he went dark when they wanted to talk.

  As much as he grumbled about his sisters being a pain, he was enjoying his time at home. Which was still weird. Two weeks in, Mom remained chill. When he got bored at home he figured it was time to check in on the band.

  When Joe walked in, he saw Johnny in the kitchen and went straight to him, walking right past Sal. When Sal tried to make small talk, Joe didn’t reciprocate. Sal was correct, three weeks after leaving NYC Johnny looked good.

  “How’s Simon doing?” Johnny asked before Joe spoke a word.

  “He’s not great. Obviously. His injuries will heal but it’s more than physical. He can’t look in a mirror without breaking down, so he doesn’t look.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Give him my best.”

  Joe glared at Sal. It didn’t escape his notice that he didn’t ask about Simon when he last visited. Nate did, and now Johnny, because they genuinely cared.

  Johnny motioned to the back of the garage. “Can we talk?”

  He led Joe back to Tony’s classic cars. Joe enjoyed that Sal was annoyed Johnny had excluded him.

  “You look good," Joe said. "I don’t know if you realize how bad you were.”

  “I do, and I’m sorry, Joe. I fucked up and I want to make it right.”

  Joe was afraid Johnny might apologize and put him in the position of accepting his gesture while standing his ground on the band. His apology meant a lot to Joe. It washed away some of his doubt but he couldn’t give him a free pass on words alone. Joe silently nodded.

  “I’ve been through this before,” Johnny continued. “and I came back. I’ll do it again. I have a doctor and a therapist at the clinic. They’re helping me.”

  “What was that, six years ago, in high school?”

  “Yes.” Johnny looked away. “I was hospitalized for a while. Then they monitored me at this clinic on Eddy Street.”

  “So you’ve been going there for years?”

  “No, only when I need it. I got fucked up at URI during my sophomore year. I went back for outpatient treatment.”

  “Does Sal know this?”

  “I don’t think so. I wasn’t so bad off that time. I was able to keep my treatment quiet.”

  “I don’t know what to say but I know I can’t do what we did in New York, never again.”

  “Sal told me how you feel and I overheard you at Tina’s place. I can’t go to the hospital, Joe. It makes me fucking crazy.”

  “I can only imagine.”

  “I’d like a chance to prove I can fix this. I just need a little time.”

  “Time we have. I’m taking the train to New York to visit T later today. I’ll pop in when I get back, see how you’re doing.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “I don’t know. I’m in no rush.”

  Joe lightly embraced Johnny with one arm then slipped out the garage door without speaking to Sal or Nate, another passive-aggressive play.

  As Joe rolled out on the Amtrak to NYC, he watched the modest skyline of Providence thinking his life may not be here. From his window he observed the same countryside roll by. He had spent thirteen days with his family. Things were weird with Mom being a better version of herself, but good. His sisters were happy. Each had told Joe how pleased they were he and Mom were in a better place. He thought about Johnny and how this outpatient thing seemed like a loophole they were exploiting. Joe did not feel good about not involving Johnny Bats.

  He moved his mind to positive thoughts. As the train rolled into New Haven, a major stop on the northeast corridor rail line, he considered this city in Connecticut might be a marker, the boundary between his old life in New England and his new life on the other side, in New York. He dozed off thinking of how happy T would be in a couple of hours when he walked back into her life unexpectedly. He slept a while.

  Janie twirled like a ballerina in the street. Her shoulder-length blonde hair flew outwards. She smiled, showing the gap where her tooth once was, a new tooth poking through. Her arms extended like the wings of a delicate bird. Her eyes met Joe’s. Her voice whispered.

  “You must go, Joe. Your life is not here.”

  “Janie!” Joe lunged forward in his seat, sweating. He looked around. His fellow passengers met his eyes and then looked away. He took a deep breath, held it, and exhaled very slowly. He leaned back in his seat looking out the window. The New York skyline grew nearer.

  “Fuck,” he said under his breath. “The dream is back.”